feet?

creeping feet

MrD has been growing, fast.  I noticed among the grade 7 boys, the taller ones did something unusual with their feet.  They would reach out with their foot to touch something or someone, almost affectionately, for lack of a better word.  When I think of it, its creepy, who wants someone else's nasty creeping feet touching them?  It seems to be some indirect way of making contact, or possibly just bugging.  I've been noticing that MrD has less of a need to "hang" from monkey bars and goal posts.  That's possibly because its winter, and grade 8 highschool does not have playgrounds like the elementary schools do.  Now he's all about stretching, really stretching, complete with pathetic drawn out horrible noises.  If he's not stretching, he's flopped out upside down on the recliner or sitting on his bean-bag chair intently touching the blinds or walls.

Another fun observation lately is the obvious.  If I ask MrD to go get something familiar on the counter among 6-15 other items, it can be right under his nose & he can't find it.  Strange but true.  A conversation with another Mom who's son is all grown up mentioned pointing.  Its common to point at something in the distance as a conversation reference.  Something in the spacial cue and vagueness makes it impossible to pinpoint what is being pointed at, therefore, meltdown is imminent.  Reflecting on this conversation I recalled a similar event.  Driving MrD downtown, I noticed up along the upper skyline was a blinking orange light moving along the hill.  It was likely snow removal equipment or a tow truck.  I asked MrD if he saw it and he did not.  He proceeded to get very upset by something that was directly ahead in both our line of vision. He really & truely could not see it and demanded repeatedly where is it, to show him, louder and louder.  I know his vision is excellent by how he brags of playing "punch-buggy" with his bioDad and frustrating because he wins a lot more points.  It's just interesting observations for a child who is so detail oriented to miss something right in front of him.

Another day, another tantrum

 Hoarfrost looks almost dangerous, yet is incredibly fragile and temporary.  I don't believe Hell to always be hot, sometimes it is ever so bone-chillingly cold.  

Yesterday was tough.  Its always worst when I'm not feeling well, regardless of illness, shift-work or general overwhelming fatigue days.  I realize MrD is competing for attention, I know at 13 he still needs attention.  I have always tried to encourage him to amuse himself.  At times he just can't, currently its most awful when he's competing for "who feels worst" title.  That pisses me off.  I realize it is part of his self centric self and that he will always be young for his age.  That doesn't change the fact that he has no right to kick me when I'm down, or anyone for that matter.  He has a sore knee, which we will address at an upcoming doctor appointment.  He's been complaining of it for awhile now, but I have been allowing common sense to watch & wait to see if it settles down or gets worse.  I understand that pain is pain, and it is what the person says it is.  Pain also reduces his coping.  I struggle with the reality that at times its better & worse, and sometimes becomes an excuse to not do things he didn't want to do anyways.  Yet, in the midst of yet another tantrum, because he can't have his own way (computer time), he chose to hit his sore knee.  Somehow, he was trying to emphasize he is hurting more.  Immature coping, paired with Auspergers logic, how the hell do I figure this out?  Thankfully my husband took MrD for a drive, he saw MrD railing for attention I did not have to give, and that MrD had no right to be demanding in such a vicious way.  I had a chance to read this long article, Why French parents are superior.  I realize it is a commentary of social differences.  The gem was that children need to be taught patience, to wait, and to accept it.  That's a very real life skill.  I have worked for 13 years to teach this, but I still have to remind myself that MrD is a work in progress.  The proof is that MrD can do so many things independently already.  He can walk to & from school, safely ride his bicycle, use the telephone, electronics, washer/drier, dishwasher, feed the pets...  He just can't always cope as expected, that is why Auspergers autism is often known as an invisible disorder.  Every day we have another example of why adults have to adapt their thinking to the problem at hand of how to get forward movement out of this child.  He came home tearful and apologetic because he almost got himself an early ride all the way to his Dad's home.  Thankfully my husband realized my son was playing in bullying and manipulations, not just unmet needs of attention.  I suppose those are signs of MrD's advancing thinking modes, certainly not modes that we will ever encourage.

Sense of senses

Our internal environments are controlled by our senses.  Autism children seem to read their senses more acutely and more intuitively, but have difficulty communicating it.  Parents are the #1 authority on their autistic child's behavior and mood.  Yet we take a backseat to other people's opinions or get shoe-horned into a label of "overprotective parent." (negative labeling with judgmental overtones anyone?!?)  We all know of 5 senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.  Most people forget energy is like a sense, it dominates our mood, our spirit, and our physical presence.  If we are tired there are gradients of fatigue that influence how snappy or defensive we come across.   Animals are highly capable of reading energy levels and often make a natural pairing with autistic children.  

Most people are familiar with circadian rhythm fatigue that brings an afternoon lag.  Those are often morning people.  Some people are aware of "sundowning" on the dementia spectrum, where erratic & nasty behaviours appear in the late afternoon or early evening.  Hardly anyone knows about "sun-rising," which is also seen within the dementia spectrum when anytime of the morning erratic & nasty come out to play.  Sun-riser people are the ones historically that everyone knew to leave them alone until they've had their first cup of coffee & cigarette of the day.  I believe those are often the night owls and shift workers that prefer evening shift.  

Children need predictable routine for meals and sleep schedules. Teenagers are a different thing again.  They are in a huge growing spurt with hormone shifts and moods.   They flip to evening or night hours easily but often require more sleep than children.  That answers the morning zombie state of many teenagers.  I think the most interesting part is that we can and do change our rhythms but we seem to have a natural setting we gravitate to. We have a natural adult weight we gravitate to so it makes sense sleep/wake cycles do too.  When we travel across time zones and need to re-acclimate on return, we do it gradually if its at all possible to avoid a sleep deprivation hangover slam.  Over a few days going to bed one hour earlier & getting up a bit earlier the next day is the kindest way to re-adjust our sleep.  Its the same for children and teenagers.  BUT sometimes I have to be The Bad Mom and let MrD get to sleep when he does, and then get him up 30 minutes earlier than the usual time, just to force the bedtime clock back into adjustment.  Yes, it means a tired morning and a crabby supper hour, but the next day isn't quite as bad a repeat since bedtime is tired and less fight.

Enter creative problem solving.  There's a schedule, and MrD does NOT want to cooperate, get up, or get on with the day.  Sigh.  Sometimes I start his day with tickling, that feeds attention and laughter which we all need. Then I give him a time limit to get up & dressed by, 5 minutes, or else he gets a splash of water tossed on him.  This is a graduation from a squirt gun which seems to have mysteriously gone missing.  I set the kitchen timer, when it beeps, he gets wet.  That helps set the action & consequence process.  I'm sure I won't win any parenting awards for it though.  It does work better than grabbing all the warm blankets and hauling them out of the room leaving him cold on the bed.  The next strategy is starting his morning earlier & earlier until he starts cooperating on his own, then I can back off a bit.  Good Morning!

Metal on metal

MrD likes to make horrible screeching noises like a 5 year old girl.  Most adults first day at the rodeo politely say, "MrD, please don't make that noise, it hurts my ears."  5 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Like metal on metal I tell ya.  "MrD, why do you do that?  Its upsetting everyone, please stop.  4 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!" Follow that  by anyone bellowing, "Stop it!"  Hopefully without any physical contact.  3 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Do not pass go, do not collect any $$.  I've tried, "Stop practicing weird!"  which minorly works, then its about 10 minutes delay before the next "Screeeeechhhh!"  Then tried,  "Ah, that's so sexy, can you do it again?"  Response, "GRRRRRR!!!!"  Bingo, I hit a nerve.  Score another one for creative problem solving!  Despite being 13 years old, MrD does not like any graphic kissing on TV, nudity, or the word "Sexy."  Mwwahh haa haa haaaaaaaaaa!  Another tool in the parent kit, what a child majorly dislikes, is often leverage against rotten behaviour.  I don't care if the noise is stimming, it's gotta go, and fast.  Another chip in the mountain of socializing a child to be a functioning human being.

Homework Aversion Power

Is it wrong to hate my son's homework more than he does?  MrD is such a smart person, he can do so many things.  Unfortunately he is insanely stubborn.  When he doesn't want to do something, he will do it as slowly and painfully as possible.  He has no insight into how this is a negative vortex that uses up all available precious free time & energy.  I have been indirectly studying how he thinks and learns. As anyone knows, it is much easier to learn when we are interested in the topic.  Most people don't have the luxury of learning only what they like. In the school system we take our due diligence & learn the prescribed curriculum and muddle through as best we can.  The goal is to pass, and to pass well enough that it counts cumulatively especially if we want to continue onward to college or university.

Much to every teacher's horror, MrD has terrible study & work habits that he's been honing for years.  In grade 1 he had printing homework, the teacher reported finding it hidden behind the class bookshelf.  That is problem-solving and intelligence right?  It's even harder to be the parent who has to receive these updates with child in earshot, and not react.  This son of mine, despite the initial faint smirk and firm clear language that this is not the way to "do" homework, grabbed onto the tiny smirk & took that as positive.  I had no idea he would grab that micro-expression so quickly and lock it into his memory.  He's always worked best for patience and approval.  His favorite flavour of approval seems to be with a twist.

What's a micro-expression?  We've all seen them, registered them, thought quizzically with why something doesn't jive in conversation, and ultimately ignored them.  They do ring alarms with our intuitive knowledge.  Have you ever received a gift and thought, "ugg, what the hell am I going to do with this?" but politely said with a smile, "Thanks!  This is so great!"  Chances are that smile wasn't genuine, your eyes didn't crinkle to match the smile, but it passed.  Before the smile, right as you thought it your body language briefly gave your initial impression away.  Watch other people & you will see it, it's brief but it's there.  That's a white lie made to help make the other person feel better and it keeps the relationship gliding.

Unfortunately micro-expressions are very easy to misinterpret.  I'm certain that is how some family feuds, street wars and office dynamics are corrupted.  High school is rife with these mini-dramas.  A fight can break out because someone didn't like how another person looked at them.  Experience, maturity  & insight helps level out these things a bit.  How about fights that break out online in chat-rooms or message-boards?  They often start because someone negatively misread another's tone or voice.  All interactions start with our own bias & mood.  How do you teach self awareness to someone that only wants to learn "cherry picking" style?

Back to hating homework.  MrD has a memory that snaps things he likes in fiercely, iron clad.  If he is struggling or doesn't want to learn something it doesn't stick.  The more he dislikes something, for whatever reason, the more resistant he is.  I have figured out the key is to trick ourselves into wanting to learn something based on the merit we may need it sometime.  That doesn't always work either but it helps.  If I don't want to learn something that I have to, I have learned to make myself start earlier and to work more often in short chunks of time.  AND I reward myself with doing something I really like to do.  Homework is one of our current problem solving dilemmas.  MrD has pure stubborn resistance power.  Even with tangible rewards, he forgets & lets the dislike predominate.  Somehow we will break this habit & substitute it for better ones.  It takes heavy detective work to find out WHY MrD dislikes or even hates a subject.  Sometimes it's the class, the time of day, a particular classmate, an assignment, or even the teacher or teacher's assistant.  I wish stubborn were a superpower that could be used for good, not evil, sigh.

Down time

Video games, the bane of my patience and the love of my son.  They're great, they teach repetition, problem solving, pattern recognition.  They jump over the hurdle of anxiety that we can't do something because its not real, just a game.  They also build huge amounts of physical tension ("stress") while MrD's playing because he has to sit still, pay attention, direct the game, and ignore his environment.  That's a great way to veg out, until it's time to get off the game.  I have learned without limits, it is impossible to get cooperation.  If he's not off the game by the agreed on time, then he will forfeit double time the next day, or lose game time completely the next day.  Much whining, and arguing ensues.  I'm not his friend, I'm his Mom, I have a right to direct how he uses our resources.

A certain amount of parenting is being uncomfortable, making a child do what they know they should do, but don't want to.  Pushing a child to be uncomfortable (within reason) is how they learn.  We learn  math & english skills with repetition.  We learn to face uncomfortable situations by jumping in or researching first & they trying.  We learn by watching someone else do it first or falling on our face.  We teach overcoming anxiety every day in small & large ways.  We do no favours hiding our own emotional discomfort all the time.  It is exhausting constantly titrating to push or to hold back.

Back to video games, they're addictive but fun.  There's a balancing act we have to teach.  I like to experiment to see what happens.  There's sound playing layers of music or a constant drone, turn it down or allow it to scream.  There's blinking lights, changing colours, changing screens, changing challenges.  Imposing a short time limit is stressful, but so is allowing a free for all for an afternoon.  Its important to also interrupt him frequently on some games, just for the experience.  It is important to allow the experience of these factors and then talk about it.  I am trying very hard to appeal to MrD's sense of intelligence and growing experience & awareness.  It can't hurt to encourage him to think about it.

I find playing repetitive pattern solving games like solitaire, tetris, bejeweled or angry birds, relaxing, but after awhile my mind wanders away.  I said it, I get bored.  Interestingly, MrD is a terrible audience to video games, he's like a bad backseat driver!  I almost forgot how important it is to have the audience experience since I have lots of forced time in that seat.  I think it is great to be an audience because I learn how the other person problem solves and learn different strategies, or at least how they strategize somewhat.  MrD learns that he can't have his way, he can't impose his will, he is not in control, and there's nothing he can do about it.  That's life too!

We need to play more board games & card games.  They are so vital to turn taking, winning & losing, and strategy.  Most importantly of all, human interaction.  Electronics are taking over the world, its a digital age of internet, TV, advertising, games, shopping, communications, reading and entertainment.  They seem to omit social manners, interactions, and respect for space & property.  Most interestingly, they seem to promote addictive behaviours.  I can't go anywhere without seeing someone glued to a cell phone.  Is that anxiety I see when someone is constantly checking facebook?  Is it misdirected nervous energy?  Is it depression masked as addiction thinly veiled in obsession with email?

I am really impressed with human resiliency.  More and more people are dumping their facebook accounts after realizing that it is a glorified high-school setting of competing for status.  Not to mention it can be a horrendous time vampire.  I'm hoping that is saturation and intelligence at work for people to realize, they control their media not vice versa.  I believe this to be an active example of problem solving at its more complex levels.  If our heads are down too long, eventually we realize when we come up for air that something is amuck.  We intuitively recognize a pattern of "something's wrong" with our time usage.  Pattern recognition leads problem solving.  This is why I fight so hard with my son over the every day battles.  If I don't interrupt him and teach him what I am seeing, he cannot easily recognize it himself.  To allow mistakes and not always engage in the battles, he hopefully can also learn that he needs to control it.  We all learn self control, by experience and trial & error.  Thankfully, we don't have to learn everything that way, all humans are intelligent to some degree.  I strongly feel that fostering an awareness of feelings is crucial to knowing WHY things are right & wrong.  Without feelings, we would all be sociopaths to some degree.

Repetition

Repetition, life is full of it.  Patterns, games, daily activities, work, making things, doing things...  We learn by repetition, but also by making mistakes.  How's that go again?  We are doomed to keep repeating the same things until we learn to do it differently.  I have noticed MrD has gaps in his memory that repetition alone do not seem to fill.  When he is blocked, he starts "stimming," currently rolling from room to room, jumping and touching door frames 3 times, selective hearing (not new), and most interestingly - lying.

Lying is a topic unto itself, but apparently it is seen as a positive stage of change in Auspergers autism development.  In order to lie, you need to understand that the other person has a different way of thinking than yourself.  We all lie for different reasons, that's human.  Lying about who put the carton of milk back in the fridge empty; who left a big mess on the counter or table; why is there no homework.  Small lies lead to bigger lies unfortunately.  The dilemma is how to teach lying has rules too.  Lying teaches mistrust when carried too far.  Do I bust him harshly for boldface lying about not having homework, or do I allow natural consequences to get him with a failing grade?  Do I allow the messes to continue to the point where there's a bug infestation or the need to replace furniture?  Do I lecture about it briefly, harshly & extremely to hammer home the point that consequences happen?  Do I quit lecturing and make him pay for damages with money & extra chores?  It all depends on the lie, the sincerity of the apology, and about forgiveness so that compassion is factored in.  This doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring the lie, it is about learning and relearning until it is understood lying is wrong.  No one really stops learning, this is no different.

It is the memory gap that drives me crazy right now.  We keep repeating the same crappy problems, no one sequence of events is right each time to hammer it in that we have to behave appropriately.  I have gotten to the point where I feel like I want to scream, "Control yourself!!!" when he's rolling across the floor for the 3rd time in an hour.  Sometimes I do, he says, "Oh, sorry" and then does it again in a few minutes!  Even using the same harsh interruption of standing in his way mid roll so he is forced to become interrupted doesn't work.  Understanding why he does things helps, but doesn't crack the mystery.  Sometimes he's bored, anxious, pestering about wanting to play video games and being made to wait, or brewing about something I don't know about yet.

I have been searching online about problem solving, and teaching strategies for our situations.  There is no information about how to break into this type of uncharted territory.  That is why I blog my experiences.  It forces me to think concretely and put it out there to be real.  I have anxiety about blogging these experiences.  Am I overstepping, am I putting too much details, am I revealing too much family or personal information, am I at risk of compromising my son's right to privacy as a child.  Then there's friends & family, how much do I allow their thoughts and opinions to influence this.  I do lean on those trusted people to hear me out, and that helps my problem solving too.  I am thankful to have other intelligent minds in my life to help me bring this child forward in his life to be the best adult he can be.

Another's shoes

A big part of being Mom to MrD is to be aware of his perspective.  This goes a huge way into figuring out why he struggles.  Sometimes its not enough, but at least I'm trying.  Perspective taking is something I have had to be creative about in teaching my son.  Owning pets really helps, pets have feelings, ideas, and most importantly rights.  If you doubt that, you just need to read about animal abuse stories and think about the atrocities committed.  Animals can go a long way to helping teach compassion.

Perspective is important, so is compassion.  Then there is a line that is overboard and we are ripe to be taken advantage of.  I have found that teaching extreme polar opposite ends of why we have manners and why we do things a certain way helps form a framework to fill in the subtleties that create grey areas.  It seems that the big details help to make it make sense, with time.  Teaching why rudeness is unacceptable means talking about why you would not wear your muddy shoes into another's home, sit at their table and then swing those filthy feet up onto their table.  That shows why feet should never be on the table.  Building on that, sitting on your chair rather than waving your butt at your table-mates while you lean over & kneel badly in your chair picking something up is also rude.  See how the rules and rationale build with concrete examples.  Temple Grandin openly spoke of learning table manners and her mother's frustration with her eating with her mouth open.  It wasn't until Ms Grandin went to a friends home for a meal and was horrified to see others talk and eat with their mouths open.  She told of telling her mother that it was like looking into a open garbage truck and it was aweful.  Only THEN was it real for her mother to complete the teaching of why it is rude.  These types of lessons are everywhere to talk about and learn from.  They are commonly referred to as "teachable moments" and are often more valuable than instruction or formal lessons.

Being compassionate is not the same as being another person. It is the understanding that their experiences are similar but different than our own that is a milestone with Auspergers Autism.  From there we learn about lying, which is another milestone.  You have to understand other people have different perspectives or lying is irrelevant. Then begins discussions about lying, white lies, blatant lies, and trust, or erosion of trust as a result of lies.  The children's story about "Henny Penny, The Sky is Falling" is now relevant again.  The trick is finding less juvenile examples that are equally interesting.

CopyCat

I have noticed that mimicry is a favorite way of learning social skills for my son.  He can repeatedly and accurately recite things that he thinks are hilarious from TV's The Simpsons and The Big Bang.  I make sure to watch some with him & we can talk about wether it is appropriate or rude.  The truth is that often rude things are funny, BUT we have to know why it is rude to appreciate the context.  We are human, sometimes we laugh when we see a stranger fall down, or when someone bends over & their pants split.  Misfortune is fodder for comedy.  If we can't laugh, we'd be crying all the time!  Sometimes it is healthiest to step back from a day of misfortune and laugh at it rather than rolling over & showing our belly and wallowing in it indefinitely.

Mimicry is how we learn to retell jokes in a funny way, or to tell a story without killing it with boredom. Mimicry is the oldest form of flattery.  Mimicry is learning, and so is repetition.  Repetition builds familiarity and memory.  We learn musical lyrics, times tables, tying our shoes with repetition.  Often saying we can't do something is a lie we tell ourselves, maybe we just don't want to do something.  This is exactly why I have forced my son to join into social situations when he doesn't want to.  It is like trying new foods, you have to taste it first to know if you will like it, sometimes repeatedly.  Occasionally I feel like a Bad Mom forcing my son to step up and do something himself like paying for a dollar store item.  I can see and feel his anxiety building.  I do prepare him in advance & we talk through the steps.  Talking about something is not the same as doing it.  Many of us have similar anxiety in driving situations.  I used to have anxiety about parallel parking, merging, and driving with a median on my left.  With practice and repetition skills gets better and the anxiety backs off.  Social skills are like that too.

Understanding Anxiety is key to succeeding the job of controlling it.  It is a huge misconception to say we can beat anxiety, or overcome anxiety, it never really goes away.  Anxiety isn't a bad thing unless it is uncontrolled, it is linked to our "fight or flight" survival instincts.  Do we run & hide or do we fight.  Anxiety has to be toned down, beaten back, owned in order to control it.  Everyone has to learn to do this themselves.  Anyone that goes through life avoiding anxiety often ends up with more severe punishing circumstances like hoarding, addictions, being housebound, panic attacks...  I strongly think that anxiety is a root of many labels in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders manual that doctors reference to.  That book is also known as DSM-IV-TR, is a manual published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) that includes all currently recognized mental health disorders.  People that live with mental disorders are not at fault for their problems, they are just different and need help and acceptance.

Meditation or relaxation techniques are essential tools to control anxiety.  Many times I have had to step into a surprise situation and tell myself, "OhshitwhatdoIdo...take a deep breath."  Taking-a-deep-breath-blowing-it-out-slow, repeat, gives a pause long enough to let my brain help me deal with the surprise.  It also enables oxygen to be available to my brain to make decent decisions.  Hyperventilating begets oxygen overload with full adrenaline charge which feeds anxiety and horrible physical symptoms (heart racing, slightly dizzy, feel lousy, feel scared, paralyzed and numb with overload).  That's great if a tree is going to fall on you, it gives you immediate energy & strength to try to jump out of the way.  Not so good if a neighbor dog confronts you aggressively, or a stranger in a parking lot comes up to your car screaming at you crazily.  It takes time to learn skills, learning to identify our issues is hard.  If life were easy, we would be bored.

Literal thinking

I love the sense of humor my son is developing.  He's enjoying literal humor and sarcasm, sometimes we even enjoy it too.  Digging out of overflow laundry situation means putting my workhorse huge front loading washer & drier to work.  I think every family should skip the heavy duty machines & invest in proper super sized machines, they are sooooo worth it.  I have to remember to check pockets carefully or it means those machines become tumblers for rocks, paper clips, super stubby pencils, candy wrappers, sticks, and all other manner of flotsam.  I picked up his jacket & thought it was surprisingly heavy, better check everything.  Once I started I couldn't seem to get to the end of it.  On second inspection, I find a jacket AND a vest, each zipped to the other in  a continuous garment!  They were arranged to seem as if the vest was over the jacket because the jacket was inside out.  Another one of his arrangements, smile!

After dinner in front of the TV it was my son's turn to take the dishes & load them into the dishwasher.  He starts pushing the TV table to the kitchen.  I asked why would he do that.  His reply was to put it in the dishwasher.  He was really thinking to put the TV table into the dishwasher!  He was embarrassed when teased that the table won't fit once he realized his goof.

Next phase of the evening, shower time.  Usual obnoxious dancing around, delaying, not on task performance.  Pet the cat, read some Calvin & Hobbes, dance around some, jump & touch every door frame in his path...  Bellowing erupts, to "GET YOUR ASS INTO THE SHOWER, NOW!"   Naked & bouncing, he hops into the bathroom, butt first.

Evidence of thinking

Every day there is interesting little findings of some sort or another in (sometimes) surprising places.  Yesterday I asked my son to bring the laundry hamper downstairs.  My belt was on the floor & I asked him to pick it up but not to put it into the laundry.  Because I didn't specify where the belt should go, this was what I found.

I have no idea why my belt was arranged like this.  Go ahead, I dare ya to open any of those drawers.  The only one you would be able to access is the top one, unless you have to removed the arranged belt.  I find similar arrangements, often more complicated than this one, fairly regularly.  Its especially maddening when I need to be somewhere at a certain time & I find these snarls in the way.  I don't know why these complicated arrangements appear.  When my boy was very young it used to be a nuclear meltdown situation if I messed with one.  Then as he grew older, he would just re-arrange & make it again.  I've been mostly lucky that sometimes now he forgets why he's done this & if the arrangement vanishes its not a big deal.  Mostly now I laugh when I find these arrangements, because they are evidence of my son's imaginative thinking.

Listening

My son's selective hearing is very frustrating to our family.  We had his hearing tested & it's normal.  He can hear conversations that are none of his business.  He can hear crinkling in the kitchen that inspire him to investigate.  He can purposefully hear some silly  musical twists that make lyrics of songs hysterical & distorted from the original interpretation (I do that too!).  "You can call Me Al" is an old 80's song, can't think of the band right now, but I've always heard it as, "You can call MEEE--owww!"  Lots of people do this to lyrics, it makes life more fun.

When it comes to everyday jobs of getting ready for school, the bus, bed...  Well, I can ask him, did he brush his teeth?  He will either reply, "Okay"  or "In a minute." & continue reading comic books or building Lego.  He has done the social pattern of answering the question, but skirted compliance.  Let me tell you, this is really maddening when pushing 10pm & school the next day.  Time doesn't stop or wait, jobs still have to be done.  We've done all the parent tricks:  asking, repetition, yelling, begging, pleading, guilting, removing privileges, swearing...  Do not pass Go, do not collect any dollars.  Hold that thought, meaningful tangent coming.

Not that long ago he liked singing a really annoying song, repeatedly.  Did I mention repeatedly, in a horrible falsetto voice?  regardless of telephone conversations in progress, headaches, parent fatigue, REPEATEDLY.  The song was, "chicken wing, chicken wing, hot-dog and balognee, chicken & macaroni"  With the addendum of "Hanging with my homies" later on when he understood what a homie was (slang for a friend).  I have a really high tolerance for all things annoying.  I learned a long time ago that if I ignore the annoying current trick, it fizzles out because it has no effect. Didn't work this time, drats.  So, after putting up with this for a few weeks, it occurred to me, he needs to sing, he needs music, he needs reaction & attention.  I have never been great at playing by dictator rules, I usually duck & navigate my own way until the tyranny abates.  I finally had a "duh" moment, and thought, I can fix this, change the lyrics to words he doesn't like.  Well now, here's the new & improved lyrics: "Sexy things, sexy things, penis and vagina, boobies & _I forget the last word_."  We have a winner!!!  Every time the chicken wings song came out we would chime in with the new lyrics right over top, louder.  It took about 2 days, but it worked!

Back to the selective hearing topic.  My son was having trouble with stopping his preferred task of reading Calvin & Hobbes to get on task.  Who doesn't like Calvin & Hobbes? Thats great reading, normally a parents job is to encourage reading.  Its also somewhere in the unwritten job list to get children to comply on their own, to take ownership & responsibility for everyday tasks.  Now when I get the dreaded reply, "in a minute" or "Okay" I ask him again, with really syrupy sweet names.  "Honey Bunny, are your teeth done yet?" "C'mon sweetheart, its time to go!"  "Sweet'ums, get out of the tub please."  The more saccharin the better!  Now its a challenge to come up with sweeter & sweeter phrases with the added ante of saying, would you like me to open the front door for the whole neighborhood to hear?  Compliance achieved!  He got quite mad about this until I explained it to him this way.  He's dabbling between little kid & teenage independence worlds.  If he chooses to behave like a little kid, then I have to treat him that way.  If he wants his independence, then he should prove it by cooperating with these basic everyday jobs.

Prepared

I try very hard to keep prepared & to teach my son this skill.  It affects everything, from cleaning up after yourself, to having everything ready to go to get out the door.  As we all know, if you don't put away your breakfast dishes, they will be there waiting for you later.  "I'll do it later," is the common thought right.  Well, then later comes, you have other chores to do, and other commitments to run off to.  Later never comes.  Next thing you know its tomorrow morning & there's the stinking dishes from yesterday, still sitting there.  This is typical action & consequence in real life.  Being prepared to get out the door has its own obstacles.  I have found that I have to break it down, every day, to the essentials.  If I leave it open to guess, stuff gets missed, like lunch.  The natural consequence for that is to go hungry and to play on your friends generosity to share their lunches.  When there's a lack of friends because of exclusion practices in play, who's going to share their lunch?  Then it snowballs into a hungry morning since there's nothing to snack on.  Then a hungry grumpy lunch time with nothing to do or eat while everyone eats their lunches.  Other kids can sense he's on the brink of not coping, so they tease his last nerve because thats what kids do (and its kinda fun to push him around a bit, power play stuff).  Then the afternoon is where the struggle really shines.  Being outside on the playground is usually okay, outside is nice, there's other things to think of and do.  Class starts again & the hungries set in.  This wouldn't bother a regular kid the same way because they would've mootched of their friends lunches.  My auspie kid didn't.  So now there is learning to do, behaviours to keep in check.  Again with other kids zeroing in on this, they quietly but steadily take turns bugging the last nerve.  It doesn't take long for a full on Mad to erupt, this ends the learning, the concentration, and the coping that was on thin ice anyway.  Off to the school office, where the Mad is out of the classroom, but needs to be vetted somehow.  No adult seems to know how to communicate or address the Mad, or defuse it.   Enter Yelling, and what looks like Uncooperative arm & arm with Defiant.  Or thats what it looks like to any adult that has no knowledge or comprehension of the backstory.  See, autism is invisible now.  My son has been punished like this multiple times every school year.  Despite multiple communications, extra snacks stashed in the backpack, and repeated occurrences, it keeps happening from time to time.  Sometimes it happens if he was busy minding the social interactions in play during lunch between his classmates.  Sometimes he's way off task & no one was around to check & cue him to get on with it, eat your lunch.  The fallout overflows to the school bus ride home, where other kids, even much younger ones, enjoy poking the last shreds of nerves.  Then if he's really lucky, he can't communicate it to the bus driver because he's so overwhelmed & fed up, HE gets punished by the bus driver with a disciplinary warning bus note.  Next transition is coming home, bang the front door, with Mad & Unpleasant in full power.  The cats know to hide.  I know that he needs to calm down but there's no way he's gonna snack at this point.  On goes happy cartoons, with my direction, "
on the next commercial, go wash your hands & face so you can snack."

This is just one day, that can happen several times a week.  I've seen it happen enough to know the whole sequence.  I've done the "sleuthing" the "planning" and the "problem solving."  It doesn't do any good to hide him from daily interactions or events.  Life isn't fair, or easy.  If an auspie kid is never made to go through the everyday challenges, how will they ever learn to figure it out themselves?  We've had lots & lots of problem days, similar & different to the one described today.  Sometimes all the planning & preparedness just goes out the window.  Thats life isn't it.

Bullying

This is such an unhappy topic everywhere.  There are school policies, there are unspoken social rules, there are rules of etiquette.  Kids don't follow rules on the playground.  Regular kids know how to bend around the rules, to lie, to partially lie, to "cover their butt" and to think on their feet for basic strategies.  Bullying is not new, it isn't getting better & it isn't going away.  It comes out in lunch treasures being stolen, exclusion, mean pranks,  name calling and soon escalates to hitting.  Teachers can't monitor it all, kids know this, they run the school-ground.  If the school isn't policing the name calling fiercely, the other behaviours wash in, like the tide the ebb & flow through the day.  I think that is impossible for an auspie to grasp so much inconsistency.  AND autism is mostly an invisible disorder so those kids are punished harder with these every day social interactions.  You can teach a kid to lick their lunch in front of the other kids to get them to back off, or to clearly reply, "What will you trade me for it?"  Not so easy if things are already missing.  So after 2-3 weeks of this going on you report it to the teacher who has a talk with the class about stealing and fairness it gets better for while.  Why does it take 2-3 weeks to get on top of?  Life, and that delightful child gap memory that filters & processes differently doesn't tell you until he's really mad about it.  So the stealing resumes and occasionally a desirable lunch item is laced with soap or hot sauce before it goes to school, with a hope & a prayer that no on will go out of their way to accuse of poisoning their kid.  The ones that complain loudest are often the ones enjoying delivering the unfairness.  They are hopefully learning a lesson that they should not take what is not theirs, to ask before taking, and that other people have rights too.

Behaviours

I've been struggling with my son's behaviours for thirteen years.  Some are cute, others are downright obnoxious.  The problem is they are often the same behaviour.  So a behavior that was cute or even funny, like hiding homework behind the class book shelf in grade 1, is now a longstanding problem in different variations.  It was silly, even smart at the time, now its a lousy habit.  That microsecond that I was human & approved the inappropriate behaviour with a small smile, well, now its entrenched.  yay.  It doesn't seem to matter which adult micro-approves, thats what sets it in place.  I can repeat myself, clearly, concisely, loud or quiet, threaten, bribe, or fine, yet we still struggle with everyday basic sequences.  I'm talking getting ready for school, getting ready for bed, getting out the door to get to an appointment...  Something is messed up with the transitions.  I know that to get through these trials I need to set the expectation that he will reach for independence.  The problem is the every day implementation of it.

Factor in that his behaviour & response are emotion driven, its not rational, just full on maddening.

Problem solving is like this, the theories are all well and good.  Not so helpful in practice.  I have to be lock & key with every move until its mastered before I back off.  Then we have a setback, or he forgets, & we start up again.  Every day is sort of like the movie "Groundhogs Day" with Bill Murray.  The day starts out about the same, repeatedly, and seem familiar but they're not.  Its nice in a way that if yesterday was a bad day, it doesn't taint the new day.  Its awful to every day be reminding of basic functional patterns like making sure he's got his lunch, backpack, planner, and house-key before bombing out of the house at the last possible second to the school bus.  It takes a looooonnnnnnngggggg time, but eventually he masters a sequence.  Occasionally he masters it quick.  Of course, we have setbacks & the sequence has to be rebuilt because it doesn't fit anymore.

Okay, here's a current functional problem solving in progress.  Getting out the door.  Thats what is understood to be a "transition."  Life is full of transitions, there's no avoiding it.  Going out, coming home, the movie ends, getting ready for the day, getting ready for bed, a car crash, losing a job, being late...  How do you teach "transitioning" when there is  a gap in daily memory?  We have lists to help give the responsibility, they're only good if referenced to.  Comic books, Leggo, TV, the cat, an itchy back, and more can all derail transitions.  So every day I am there to keep the reminders flowing to get out the door with everything needed to succeed the day.  Occasionally I am inconsistent.  Shift work does that & so does life.  Hiding human inconsistencies doesn't help an auspie solve everyday challenges, real life isn't consistent & neither are people.  When I back off & am less insistent on the everyday preparations for each day, he goes off into his own orbit.  I like his happy place, there's lots of interesting things going on there, I wish I could go there too.  But when the clock is running out, and its getting more pressure based, things get worse.  Bring on the Mom voice, asking, reminding, nagging, yelling, threatening, bribing...  Mostly none of that bag of tricks works.  Backing off & allowing natural consequences isn't always an option.  If he misses the school bus, well, now I have to drive him or he walks.  Driving him is kinda what he's after, more time with me.  I'm all about getting him independent in his life skills.  I have already said that if I have to drive because he missed the bus I will go in my housecoat, jammies & slippers and walk him to the front door, a public deterrent I hope.  He's still not quite on top of the whole strangers & interacting to let him walk alone regularly.  That would be better if he had another kid to walk with, but he's excluded a lot.  Thats another post later.

Happiness

So if stimming brings happiness, what else can be substituted?  Repetitive non-stressful things like crafts, puzzles, pets, bike riding, sports, baking, or other hobbies....  Okay, how about spinning your own yarn? weaving?  Spinning & weaving is commonly associated with crazy.  The perception is wrong, not the interest.  A strong analytical mind is naturally drawn to pattern seeking, mathematics, and music.  Weaving is a rhythmic, repetitive pattern based skill.  Spinning fibres into yarns is also a moving meditation.

Why is society hung up with creating things?  It is not on trend.  Look around you, someone had to figure out how to make the fibre, & then the math to create all the common textiles today.  Pattern based minds figured out the best weave structure to make denim fabric for the jeans that are everywhere.  Try it.  Go get interested in a new hobby, and try to discuss it among other people.  Watch them glaze over with boredom, or their attention wander away.  Weaving is associated with something tedious, hard to do, time & labour intensive.  What does all the TV & video gaming produce?    Why does "crafting" have such a negative stigma?  Something to do with the language; Home made vs Hand made.  A home made pie or cookies are well loved & have yummy romantic associations.  A home made craft brings forward the idea or feeling of something crappily made or kids immature art projects.  Picture a crochet doll cover over the toilet paper or crochet toilet seat cover.  Does that compare to a hand made card or a home made afghan blanket to cuddle on the couch with.  How about ripping old sheets & making a rag rug out of them?  Well, now there's some social approval coming through. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  Its hammered into us, repeatedly, almost brainwashing really.  Caring about how we use our resources should never have become a trend, why isn't it just normal.  It wasn't that long ago there was another mantra: use it up, wear it out, or do without. That's been obliterated by cars & appliances that have built in obsolecence after 5 years or less, they break, and it costs more to repair them than to replace them.  Our landfills can't handle it.  Consumers demand lowest prices, best value.  Manufacturers cut corners with a 4cent part that should've been a 9cent part & then the product quits prematurely.  Rant rant rant.  Do you think an average mind will have the patience to sit down & figure out how to fix this broken DVD player?  An autistic detail oriented problem solving mind can.