Transitions of change

My son commutes between our home & his fathers home.  It is not new or unusual, it is our normal since he was 10 months old.  Many children have to do this so it is normal when arranging play-dates with other families to navigate this.  I believe these transitions have helped to bring a level of flexibility to his life.  If he had the same home, same school, same rules, same same same, he would probably be a lot more ridged person.

It is not without struggles.  Mr.D has to follow different rules and keep track of them.  Life is like that.  There are different rules at a restaurant, at school, at the movie theatre, at friends homes...  Unfortunately our two households seem to follow different schedules for the basics of getting up eating, and bedtime.  These fundamental differences really show up in coping, or lack of coping.  I mentioned in the last post about dealing with challenges and negativity.  Mr.D is a lot more negative for awhile.  He describes it as a "black hole or a  void."  I work with dementia clients and one fellow transitioning through dementia described the it as "a blackness that creeps in and is heavy."  I found it interesting that as my son gets older and is able to think about things he came up with such a deep description.  So, its not my imagination that he is in a very negative place and it does change him.  Last year a psychologist recommended to me to limit transitions.  I can't see how that would ever be possible.  Life is full of transitions.  The meal ends, the movie ends, a car accident, a birth or a death, marriage, divorce, transition is part of life.  As much as I struggle with my son when he returns home, I love him no matter what.

When he was a small child and anxious about going to see his Dad, I would tell him that its okay, he's safe, no matter what he would come back to me and I would always come back to him.  I cried inside later but I kept it from him.  No one said that being a mother came with such complicated feelings.  I realize I am not here to be his friend, I am here to do the hard part, to get him through childhood to become a functional, kind, and independent man.  So, when he comes home he needs more hugs.  He needs a gentle pull back into routine with love.  He backtracks and delays and dawdles getting his jobs done, because he is remembering yet again how to get along in our home.  Sometimes there is lots of yelling too.  When we talk about it I remind him that if he followed through instead of just answering and not acting, the yelling would stop.  I can't stand over him to watch him get naked to get into the shower, he wants his privacy.  I can't stand by & crowd him to get his teeth done when he's standing in the mirror making faces or jumping just to see his bangs bounce.  Privacy vs taking responsibility vs owning responsibility.  One day these things won't be a big deal, but they've been ongoing for so many years now it feels like he'll never master them.  I know he can do his tasks, the trick is getting him to own them.

Thinking challenges

I am really fed up with advertising media and their bag of tricks.  They pray on insecurities, fracture attention spans, irritate, annoy and rarely amuse.  How many products do we really need?  As a child I don't remember such a  gluttony of average products all in the name of variety.   Cleaning products, personal care products, vehicles, medications, food... Do we really need all of the products?  They will all do the same thing more or less.  I'm tired of the insulting barrage of: are your teeth white enough?  is your laundry clean enough?  is your car trendy enough? are you fat enough?  is your food tasty enough?  are you depressed enough?  is your erection floppy enough?  is your armpits wet or stinky enough?  are you tired enough?

Once you turn the advertising upside down like this it really changes the validity of their promises.  I think the general public need to rebel against this overpowering pounding of media and demand better.  Are people really the stupid sheep marketing patronizes in this way?  Do we need to be lead to every thought & conclusion in the name of promoting the economy?  Our landfills & recycle stations seem to show a different story.

I'm posting this rant for the simple rationale of thinking exercises.  Once we fall into habits of complacency and ultimately apathy, change no longer happens.  If I allow myself to think of my son as disabled, then he is.  When he is driving me crazy with selective hearing, non-compliance, or just laziness, I am the one who is stressed.  Once I wrap my brain around it, again, and turn the frustration on its head it goes away and I can problem solve again.  Labels can be positive or judgmental.  I am striving to choose positive labels to prevent the inevitable, "You are what you think" from happening.  Right now my son is very interested in Les Stroud "Survivorman."  Even more surprising is that he is equally interested in marketing and media psychology.  I can't help but giggle that they are the same thing, just different environments!

Sharing the positive energy

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

This is a prayer of St Theresa, AKA St. Therese of Lisieux.  I found it taped to a file cabinet at work, copied it and put it back.  I had to do some internet searches to find the author.  Sometimes comfort & care come in the most mysterious ways.  Drink them in as they come, they serve to fill the reservoir of self.  I know I need it to get up every day & do my best to raise MrD the best I can and to be a good person at the same time.