Metal on metal

MrD likes to make horrible screeching noises like a 5 year old girl.  Most adults first day at the rodeo politely say, "MrD, please don't make that noise, it hurts my ears."  5 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Like metal on metal I tell ya.  "MrD, why do you do that?  Its upsetting everyone, please stop.  4 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!" Follow that  by anyone bellowing, "Stop it!"  Hopefully without any physical contact.  3 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Do not pass go, do not collect any $$.  I've tried, "Stop practicing weird!"  which minorly works, then its about 10 minutes delay before the next "Screeeeechhhh!"  Then tried,  "Ah, that's so sexy, can you do it again?"  Response, "GRRRRRR!!!!"  Bingo, I hit a nerve.  Score another one for creative problem solving!  Despite being 13 years old, MrD does not like any graphic kissing on TV, nudity, or the word "Sexy."  Mwwahh haa haa haaaaaaaaaa!  Another tool in the parent kit, what a child majorly dislikes, is often leverage against rotten behaviour.  I don't care if the noise is stimming, it's gotta go, and fast.  Another chip in the mountain of socializing a child to be a functioning human being.

Repetition

Repetition, life is full of it.  Patterns, games, daily activities, work, making things, doing things...  We learn by repetition, but also by making mistakes.  How's that go again?  We are doomed to keep repeating the same things until we learn to do it differently.  I have noticed MrD has gaps in his memory that repetition alone do not seem to fill.  When he is blocked, he starts "stimming," currently rolling from room to room, jumping and touching door frames 3 times, selective hearing (not new), and most interestingly - lying.

Lying is a topic unto itself, but apparently it is seen as a positive stage of change in Auspergers autism development.  In order to lie, you need to understand that the other person has a different way of thinking than yourself.  We all lie for different reasons, that's human.  Lying about who put the carton of milk back in the fridge empty; who left a big mess on the counter or table; why is there no homework.  Small lies lead to bigger lies unfortunately.  The dilemma is how to teach lying has rules too.  Lying teaches mistrust when carried too far.  Do I bust him harshly for boldface lying about not having homework, or do I allow natural consequences to get him with a failing grade?  Do I allow the messes to continue to the point where there's a bug infestation or the need to replace furniture?  Do I lecture about it briefly, harshly & extremely to hammer home the point that consequences happen?  Do I quit lecturing and make him pay for damages with money & extra chores?  It all depends on the lie, the sincerity of the apology, and about forgiveness so that compassion is factored in.  This doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring the lie, it is about learning and relearning until it is understood lying is wrong.  No one really stops learning, this is no different.

It is the memory gap that drives me crazy right now.  We keep repeating the same crappy problems, no one sequence of events is right each time to hammer it in that we have to behave appropriately.  I have gotten to the point where I feel like I want to scream, "Control yourself!!!" when he's rolling across the floor for the 3rd time in an hour.  Sometimes I do, he says, "Oh, sorry" and then does it again in a few minutes!  Even using the same harsh interruption of standing in his way mid roll so he is forced to become interrupted doesn't work.  Understanding why he does things helps, but doesn't crack the mystery.  Sometimes he's bored, anxious, pestering about wanting to play video games and being made to wait, or brewing about something I don't know about yet.

I have been searching online about problem solving, and teaching strategies for our situations.  There is no information about how to break into this type of uncharted territory.  That is why I blog my experiences.  It forces me to think concretely and put it out there to be real.  I have anxiety about blogging these experiences.  Am I overstepping, am I putting too much details, am I revealing too much family or personal information, am I at risk of compromising my son's right to privacy as a child.  Then there's friends & family, how much do I allow their thoughts and opinions to influence this.  I do lean on those trusted people to hear me out, and that helps my problem solving too.  I am thankful to have other intelligent minds in my life to help me bring this child forward in his life to be the best adult he can be.

Compassion?

How about I teach a way to think and learn about compassion?

Nurses have advocated teaching about pain management.  It was thought that if someone had pain, they would tell you about it.  Not everyone can communicate pain.  A very real way to think of it is that if you told me you had a headache. If I could not see your pain, it must not be very tangible, maybe its not real since its not real to me?  You are able to continue talking with me and don't seem to be in pain.  It was through nurses intelligent observation and sensible logical measurements pain became measurable.  The 0-10 scale combined with clear descriptors of qualities of pain, that it became a tangible thing to manage.  

How about anxiety?  It is a type of mental pain.  If you have never experienced a moment of panic, how would you know or empathize?  Here is an extreme way to think about it.  You have just consumed a whole pot of coffee.  Some people are acclimated to that much caffeine so think about enough to feel jittery.  Then go into a closed small dark closet, sit down and will yourself to be still.  Remember there is caffeine racing through your veins, its small and dark.  Soon enough you need to go to the washroom, but the door is jammed, it will not open.  Try being calm and serene, its not happening.  Now all that urge to urinate is creating bowel cramps from the pressure of sitting with a full bladder, but that damn door will not open.  It is not just the anxiety that is the problem, it is the compounded symptoms.  Now the door bursts open and relief is imminent.  Oops, you had an accident on the way to the washroom, you are now embarrassed and no one can understand why.  You are very flustered, you cannot tell them why since you don't want to admit to being silly enough to be locked in a closet.  Maybe you are more jittery, breathless, talking more excitedly (hyper-caffeinated) in attempt to divert attention from your oopsie moment.  Don't you think you are coming across kinda strange flapping your hands around talking mile-a-minute?  Kinda looks like stimming now somehow.  Stimming is a way to relieve anxiety, directs it, and is repetitive thereby calming, something controllable.  

There are ways to relate and teach all emotions in this way.  I've been trying to identify feelings and talking about them with MrD as if they are individual people.  Anxiety comes to town, sometimes accompanied by Scared and Mad.  Mad and Angry are similar but one is stronger than the other.  Sad, Lonely, and Bored are often related, but confusing to decipher.  Happy, Silly, Content are welcome.  Start with the extremes then the subtle becomes more and more clear.  We all learn by starting simple and building on it.  Treating these things this way makes it more logical and then when feelings pop up, it is easier to identify the cast to figure out the story.

Media

I learned when my child fixates on something to the exclusion of all others to be cautious & seriously question it.  Video games are designed to be addictive.  They're repetitive & reward based, solve or conquer.  They're fun, but they need to be limited.  Its hard to be the one to always take the high road, to do things the hard way.  I have to set limits on TV, computer time, & video games in our home.  Its not reasonable to exclude them, but I can teach boundary setting a little at a time.  I'm a mean Mom that way.  Occasionally I let the video games go on for a whole afternoon, thats okay too.  I received good advice to allow it once in a while because the body sets consequences of boredom, frustration hunger, thirst & bathroom breaks that cannot be ignored indefinitely.  The fallout of a grumpy boy is not sweet, downright nasty usually.  Thats where the hard road fits in, sourcing out the root of the tantrum is usually hunger & fatigue.  Snack time, quiet, distraction & later discussion of the frustration sometimes helps.

So, electronics are addicting but repetitive and socially acceptable.  Stimming is not.  Stimming is self stimulating at a primal level to relieve stress or anxiety.  Sometimes they are referred to as "ticks." Some kids spin, rock, self harm, knock, hum,  click or grunt.  It is hard to be vigilant for stimming because it changes.  Is biting your nails, tapping a pen, clenching your jaw, licking your lips, blinking repeatedly or flinching stimming?  The clue lies in the behaviour.  Is it impossible to stop mid stim?  Is it tantrum status if interrupted?  The problem I've found is that the bigger a deal I make about the stimming, the more anxiety is created & the more entrenched the stimming becomes.  Thats a vicious circle no one wants to be in the middle of.

Happiness

So if stimming brings happiness, what else can be substituted?  Repetitive non-stressful things like crafts, puzzles, pets, bike riding, sports, baking, or other hobbies....  Okay, how about spinning your own yarn? weaving?  Spinning & weaving is commonly associated with crazy.  The perception is wrong, not the interest.  A strong analytical mind is naturally drawn to pattern seeking, mathematics, and music.  Weaving is a rhythmic, repetitive pattern based skill.  Spinning fibres into yarns is also a moving meditation.

Why is society hung up with creating things?  It is not on trend.  Look around you, someone had to figure out how to make the fibre, & then the math to create all the common textiles today.  Pattern based minds figured out the best weave structure to make denim fabric for the jeans that are everywhere.  Try it.  Go get interested in a new hobby, and try to discuss it among other people.  Watch them glaze over with boredom, or their attention wander away.  Weaving is associated with something tedious, hard to do, time & labour intensive.  What does all the TV & video gaming produce?    Why does "crafting" have such a negative stigma?  Something to do with the language; Home made vs Hand made.  A home made pie or cookies are well loved & have yummy romantic associations.  A home made craft brings forward the idea or feeling of something crappily made or kids immature art projects.  Picture a crochet doll cover over the toilet paper or crochet toilet seat cover.  Does that compare to a hand made card or a home made afghan blanket to cuddle on the couch with.  How about ripping old sheets & making a rag rug out of them?  Well, now there's some social approval coming through. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle.  Its hammered into us, repeatedly, almost brainwashing really.  Caring about how we use our resources should never have become a trend, why isn't it just normal.  It wasn't that long ago there was another mantra: use it up, wear it out, or do without. That's been obliterated by cars & appliances that have built in obsolecence after 5 years or less, they break, and it costs more to repair them than to replace them.  Our landfills can't handle it.  Consumers demand lowest prices, best value.  Manufacturers cut corners with a 4cent part that should've been a 9cent part & then the product quits prematurely.  Rant rant rant.  Do you think an average mind will have the patience to sit down & figure out how to fix this broken DVD player?  An autistic detail oriented problem solving mind can.

Stimming

Its not cool to make someone feel bad about stimming.  We all do funny little things when no-one is looking; hello, ever picked your nose in the car, scratched your groin in an empty store isle, deliberately stepped on something on the ground just to hear it crunch...  The trick is to see if you can quietly teach substitutions in behaviour.  As soon as you attach shame, the stim is reinforced,  and even harder to extinguish or swap out.

I really dislike the grunting stim, a series of quiet gutteral throat clearings, it gets on my nerves!  I have been trying to teach that practicing this limits the breath.  When a real anxiety situation presents, the anxiety is already primed to jump in.  Breath is an integral part of meditation & stress reduction practices.  Try it right now:  take a deep breath in, all the way to the bottom of your lungs.  Notice you instinctively sit up straighter to do it.  Let the breath go out slowly, 3-4 times slower than it came in.  Do it several times, feel the oxygen pour in, makes you feel brighter, makes your heart rate slow slightly,  makes you feel a bit light-headed even.  That's the kind of energy needed to make decisions.

We've all been in crisis at some time or another.  Your heart feels like its going to leap out of your throat, beating so hard & fast its revved right out, talking mile-a-minute or so breathless you can't talk.  I feel anxious just re-reading that.  Thats a mind-body connection.  It can be learned to tune into it, to acknowledge it, to let it wash over without reacting to it.  My son has to learn this over & over & over again.  It doesn't stay with him, there's a gap in his memory I can't figure out.  He's really resistant to letting go of the grunting, because it makes him feel good, and because he's not aware he's doing it sometimes, and because he likes it.  Its human nature to learn & relearn what we like, there's comfort in that.  No one likes to be told what to do, what to learn, what to say.  The challenge is figuring out the block, to understand it, before knowing what comes next.  Sometimes it makes sense right away, often it needs to be set aside to percolate on the periphery while I do something else.