Changes

MrD is now 15 years old. He is a big brother to a new baby in our home.  He is dabbling between the worlds of young teenager & physical adulthood.  We appreciate it is a tough place to be.  He remembers how it feels to be bullied, yet he enjoys dabbling in it himself at times.  This week has been tougher.  Spring is coming, but not quite flourished.  He is dabbling in interpersonal warfare.  Verbal banter/sparring is our latest vexation, coupled with negative attitude and ticks.  Relentless grunting and armpit fart noises are his normal.  Thankfully the forced air between his lips bellowing-like-an-elephant noise has subsided.  Ticks seem to relieve built up tension and drive us crazy, so no real reason for him to stop or control them, right?  The solution eludes us.  I am tortured with the usual mothering worries in between exhaustion:  Is he eating enough?  Is he getting enough nourishment?  Is he getting enough sleep?  Is he fatigued enough from daily exercise?  Is he getting enough love and attention?  How much is enough?

He messed with a girl on Monday, "set her off" so to speak.  She wasn't innocent either, blasting him that he has no friends & no-one likes him.  Who knows what MrD was doing to help stimulate her verbal blast.  Last year she blasted him for sitting in "her" chair.  Like it has her name on it (it doesn't).  He purposefully sat in her usual spot.  She ordered him to get out of her chair.  He replied, "woof"  which was taken as calling her a dog (bitch), which he did indeed mean to imply.  MrD does not swear, but he dances around it cleverly.  We talk about these events, thankfully he will give me the pieces & eventually I get to the bottom of the story.  I suspect she may have been blasting him this round because of his relentless armpit fart noises, but MrD wouldn't tell me.  Tuesday we talked about ways to get better communication.  Like if she is talking like that, he could tell her not to talk down to him.  He could go with the classic hands over ears lalalalalalalala to draw attention to her behaviour if an adult is near.  He told me on Wednesday he held out his hand & said, "truce" and she accepted.  I told him that was a great choice & I'm glad he thought of it.  Wednesday he waved his (stinky) shoe into another boy's face.  Sigh.  When asked why, he said he didn't know.  When pressed that he must know why, he admitted he just felt like it, it was funny.  I reminded him that the school does have an anti-bullying policy & it can & will be used against him if he keeps it up.  He said it was, he got detention.  I have asked at the school that the detention be altered to time with the counselor but agreed that he did earn himself a consequence.

My goal this year is to continue to use this blog as an unloading & thoughtful zone for positive & negative events.  There is a lot of positive forces in MrD's life which I am thankful.  He is still progressing in Taekwan-do & is over the half way to getting his black belt.  He is passing his courses for grade 9.  He is doing well at Sylvans & almost at grade level.  An adult male friend has expressed interest in a platonic friendship of sorts.  MrD can help with odd jobs and our friend can help model communication & problem solving while gently guiding better choices.  Like a big brother, with the flavour of Behaviour Interventionist.  I have had it as a goal for a few years to get a BI for MrD, but it just hasn't been panning out, at all.  I am grateful that we have a gentle compromise in that direction now.  When it is tough, I white knuckle it.  When it is nice, I just have to remind myself to enjoy it, not to take it for granted since those are such precious short time spans.

Setting expectations

I think one of the most important aspects of raising a child with Auspergers autism is expectations.  Specifically, being aware of my expectations and being prepared to revise them.  I get bogged down with the everyday trivial crap, the backtalk, tantrums, delaying, dawdling etc etc.  I have every expectation that MrD will be able to drive a car, to graduate high school, to have a meaningful job or career, and to have an independent life.  He is smart and capable and once in awhile I get these blessed reminders.  I just finished a school Integrated Education Plan (IEP) meeting, and there is success being reflected there.  His behaviours are much less frequent and less disruptive than the elementary school reported to the high school.  He’s passing all his classes.  He’s still bouncing around socially, trying to fit in. 

I am so glad to be past the elementary school system.  Children are treated in such a disciplined and narrow way where there is no room to determine independent learning or growth other than as an adult professional tells you.  Educators are limited in the scope of what they can accomplish, but they forget they have training and a toolkit of skills that they don’t always use.  I am only one parent, I influence the home environment.  It drives me crazy to be the one reminding the professionals that THEY are the adults, THEY are the ones that should be able to handle what flies every day.  How is it that a child can do this so routinely, so regularly, and yet be a surprise each and every time.  In a way, is he smarter than the professionals and enjoying running circles around them?  It is no different that when your dog runs away, and then does running fly-bys, enough to collect the food you are offering or a pat & then run away again.  Who is running the show there?  Other students are learning by MrD.  He giggles about the English teacher teaching about how to properly use a colon.  Every time she says the word colon, he giggles.  Soon enough classmates are also giggling too.  Disrespectful?  Yes.  Funny?  Darn tootin’ yes!  He has learned that humor is universal social situation butter, and he figured it out all on his own.  He has dabbled in multiple social experiments of misbehavior over the years.  I think it is amazing that he has graduated to humor.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand the same joke every day isn’t funny.  Neither is repeating the same slap-stick physical joke is only a one hit wonder.  Maybe he will be the next Jim Carey?  

Tattletale-tattletale

MrD has a knack for turning almost every adult he encounters into a tattle-tale at some point or another.  Its frustrating, and occasionally amusing.  I learned in MrD's elementary days from a wise experienced teacher the sweet definitions.  A "tattletale" is someone who tells on another to get them into trouble and maybe make them-self look good too.  "Telling" is communicating because they don't know what to do but want to help the other person learn & not make the mistake anymore.  Its dumbfounding how many people forget this distinction!

So I get these stinking phone calls, usually when I've worked a night shift & need my sleep, or I'm working & can't leave the site, or I'm sick & dearly needing to rest.  "MrD did this", "MrD did that" says a teacher, a teachers-assistant, a vice principal, a counsellor, a principal...  So then I hear them out: he wouldn't do his work; he wouldn't sit down when told for the x'th time; he won't stop making annoying  noises; he won't climb out from under the desk; he won't stop fidgeting with paperclip/eraser/ruler/pen/pencil/mechanical pencil...; he had a tantrum & tipped over a desk (only happened once); he won't come down from the goal post.

Its okay to laugh now, we sometimes do after it passes.  Inevitably when we do the "back-chaining," "sleuthing," or "following the chain of events," (all the same don't you think?) an adult has been inconsistent or unfair.  Or a classmate has set him up, he took the fall, no one saw the starting sequence, so the overt/subvert bullying keeps happening.  Grrrrrrrrr!  So we talk through the Integrated Education Plan ( IEP ) and I remind said tattletale to send MrD to the counsellor, the IEP teacher, the office.  He's been going to the office for things since grade 3, it has no bite, its not scary.  Going to the office means giving him a chance to take his mood out of the classroom & hopefully an experienced "professional" adult will communicate with him and get to the bottom of it.

Despite firmly reminding MrD that I'm sleeping today, to stay out of trouble, to not make the phone ring, I got a call from the vice principal.  He's been sent to the office multiple times last week & again today.  Sigh.  I make a point of calling each & every school professional by their first name to level the playing field.  I don' t lord my title over them unless they are being patronizing & inattentive.   Of course I've had 4 broken hours of sleep and now have to deal with this.  I listened patiently, then set in with quizzing what happened, where, when, who, what was done, has he spoken with the 2 professionals that are well versed in his communication style which is outlined in the IEP...  A kid last week has been bragging about masturbating during class & putting his thumb up his own rectum.  This disgusts MrD to no end, who wouldn't be disgusted by this?  Now all it takes is said kid to gesture to repulse MrD and derail his classroom experience.  After talking with MrVP I ask to talk with MrD.  I ask him bluntly & almost sternly what happened, what was done, when, why.  He diverts around with some excuses now, he missed the morning break & didn't get a snack; his knee hurts and the ibuprofen isn't working anymore (not quite true since I've observed it works well for up to 6 hours with him); masturbator kid upset him, BINGO.  I tell MrD that to him, that kid does not exist, he's invisible, to ignore him.  I ask to talk with MrVP again.  MrVP was writing down all MrD's responses.  I reminded MrVP that the masturbator kid  is bullying, and even though no one saw it (how convenient) kids know how to do things when adults aren't watching.  So I advised that he needs to get to the bottom of the now overt bullying going on.  MrD does not have any siblings to train him in the realities of "the set-up and the fall" game that most people are well versed in.  Even though this is grade 8 high-school, it still feels like the adults are doing the bullying at times like this.

Practical intelligence

More good news, the jacket was returned.  I'm hoping Mr D has learned something from this.  I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell's books, currently "Outliers."  I have read "The Tipping Point," and "Blink" as well and they generate a lot of interesting thinking for me.  They were so good I plan to reread them, which is unusual for me.

The "Outliers" book I am 1/3 of the way through.  I finished a section last night about "practical intelligence" which really resonated with me because it is so similar to what other professionals call "social skills."  The chapter was all about genius intelligence/skills and how some people succeed in life and others can't seem to.  It drew parallels in my mind to autism studies since some are well known historically to be genius minds.  Temple Grandin refers to the fact that autism teaches that we all have genius capabilities, and studying autism may show how we find these gifts of knowledge.  Autistic brains do think differently, they can skip around in topics, leap from facts and experiences like lightening depending on how extensive their mental library of resources is.  Some lack the ability to focus while others cannot escape their focus to the neglect of everything else.  I know it is in these extremes that gifts and strengths are hidden.

Practical intelligence is something we learn socially.  We learn how to interact, to communicate, manners, and hidden social rules.  If we fail to learn them, we end up with egg on our face or ultimately become socially excluded.  Some people even exclude themselves socially, because social events make them greatly uncomfortable.  It's not that they are sociopaths, we all seem to fear & revile that.  Its that they never had help learning how to navigate the rules.  I know this is why autistic children need to be exposed to as many new experiences and changes as they can.  Any child who's environment is narrow and unyielding to change would have social handicaps.  If you do not know how to navigate a rocky conversation, to smooth talk, to wheel and deal, or even how to be legitimately heard, those are handicaps too.

I have experienced many many tantrums, screaming-stomping-break things tantrums.  I would not miss any of them for fear of upsetting MrD.  The tantrums are his way of rejecting what he is overwhelmed with.  I do not fear tantrums, they are just noise and they pass.  Life is full of uncomfortable events & situations.  I wouldn't be doing my job as "bad Mom" if I didn't make sure MrD was uncomfortable at times, pushed from his comfort levels, and challenged.  Tantrums are hard but life is harder.  MrD doesn't have the advantage of having a sibling like I did growing up.  Many sibling fights simply prepared me for the world that life isn't fair, life is hard. If life were easy, it would be boring.  The world is a big place, there's no sense hiding a child from it because of an invisible handicap like autism.  Hiding from adversity is denying the chance to learn, to live, and to finding adventures.

I know I casually refer to Temple Grandin's work, and I mean no disrespect.  I strongly encourage anyone interested to read her works, she has a unique and enlightening insight to the autistic mind.  She has overcome many difficult life experiences & is a champion of facing challenges while breaking down biases.

CopyCat

I have noticed that mimicry is a favorite way of learning social skills for my son.  He can repeatedly and accurately recite things that he thinks are hilarious from TV's The Simpsons and The Big Bang.  I make sure to watch some with him & we can talk about wether it is appropriate or rude.  The truth is that often rude things are funny, BUT we have to know why it is rude to appreciate the context.  We are human, sometimes we laugh when we see a stranger fall down, or when someone bends over & their pants split.  Misfortune is fodder for comedy.  If we can't laugh, we'd be crying all the time!  Sometimes it is healthiest to step back from a day of misfortune and laugh at it rather than rolling over & showing our belly and wallowing in it indefinitely.

Mimicry is how we learn to retell jokes in a funny way, or to tell a story without killing it with boredom. Mimicry is the oldest form of flattery.  Mimicry is learning, and so is repetition.  Repetition builds familiarity and memory.  We learn musical lyrics, times tables, tying our shoes with repetition.  Often saying we can't do something is a lie we tell ourselves, maybe we just don't want to do something.  This is exactly why I have forced my son to join into social situations when he doesn't want to.  It is like trying new foods, you have to taste it first to know if you will like it, sometimes repeatedly.  Occasionally I feel like a Bad Mom forcing my son to step up and do something himself like paying for a dollar store item.  I can see and feel his anxiety building.  I do prepare him in advance & we talk through the steps.  Talking about something is not the same as doing it.  Many of us have similar anxiety in driving situations.  I used to have anxiety about parallel parking, merging, and driving with a median on my left.  With practice and repetition skills gets better and the anxiety backs off.  Social skills are like that too.

Understanding Anxiety is key to succeeding the job of controlling it.  It is a huge misconception to say we can beat anxiety, or overcome anxiety, it never really goes away.  Anxiety isn't a bad thing unless it is uncontrolled, it is linked to our "fight or flight" survival instincts.  Do we run & hide or do we fight.  Anxiety has to be toned down, beaten back, owned in order to control it.  Everyone has to learn to do this themselves.  Anyone that goes through life avoiding anxiety often ends up with more severe punishing circumstances like hoarding, addictions, being housebound, panic attacks...  I strongly think that anxiety is a root of many labels in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders manual that doctors reference to.  That book is also known as DSM-IV-TR, is a manual published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) that includes all currently recognized mental health disorders.  People that live with mental disorders are not at fault for their problems, they are just different and need help and acceptance.

Meditation or relaxation techniques are essential tools to control anxiety.  Many times I have had to step into a surprise situation and tell myself, "OhshitwhatdoIdo...take a deep breath."  Taking-a-deep-breath-blowing-it-out-slow, repeat, gives a pause long enough to let my brain help me deal with the surprise.  It also enables oxygen to be available to my brain to make decent decisions.  Hyperventilating begets oxygen overload with full adrenaline charge which feeds anxiety and horrible physical symptoms (heart racing, slightly dizzy, feel lousy, feel scared, paralyzed and numb with overload).  That's great if a tree is going to fall on you, it gives you immediate energy & strength to try to jump out of the way.  Not so good if a neighbor dog confronts you aggressively, or a stranger in a parking lot comes up to your car screaming at you crazily.  It takes time to learn skills, learning to identify our issues is hard.  If life were easy, we would be bored.