I've been struggling with my son's behaviours for thirteen years. Some are cute, others are downright obnoxious. The problem is they are often the same behaviour. So a behavior that was cute or even funny, like hiding homework behind the class book shelf in grade 1, is now a longstanding problem in different variations. It was silly, even smart at the time, now its a lousy habit. That microsecond that I was human & approved the inappropriate behaviour with a small smile, well, now its entrenched. yay. It doesn't seem to matter which adult micro-approves, thats what sets it in place. I can repeat myself, clearly, concisely, loud or quiet, threaten, bribe, or fine, yet we still struggle with everyday basic sequences. I'm talking getting ready for school, getting ready for bed, getting out the door to get to an appointment... Something is messed up with the transitions. I know that to get through these trials I need to set the expectation that he will reach for independence. The problem is the every day implementation of it.
Factor in that his behaviour & response are emotion driven, its not rational, just full on maddening.
Problem solving is like this, the theories are all well and good. Not so helpful in practice. I have to be lock & key with every move until its mastered before I back off. Then we have a setback, or he forgets, & we start up again. Every day is sort of like the movie "Groundhogs Day" with Bill Murray. The day starts out about the same, repeatedly, and seem familiar but they're not. Its nice in a way that if yesterday was a bad day, it doesn't taint the new day. Its awful to every day be reminding of basic functional patterns like making sure he's got his lunch, backpack, planner, and house-key before bombing out of the house at the last possible second to the school bus. It takes a looooonnnnnnngggggg time, but eventually he masters a sequence. Occasionally he masters it quick. Of course, we have setbacks & the sequence has to be rebuilt because it doesn't fit anymore.
Okay, here's a current functional problem solving in progress. Getting out the door. Thats what is understood to be a "transition." Life is full of transitions, there's no avoiding it. Going out, coming home, the movie ends, getting ready for the day, getting ready for bed, a car crash, losing a job, being late... How do you teach "transitioning" when there is a gap in daily memory? We have lists to help give the responsibility, they're only good if referenced to. Comic books, Leggo, TV, the cat, an itchy back, and more can all derail transitions. So every day I am there to keep the reminders flowing to get out the door with everything needed to succeed the day. Occasionally I am inconsistent. Shift work does that & so does life. Hiding human inconsistencies doesn't help an auspie solve everyday challenges, real life isn't consistent & neither are people. When I back off & am less insistent on the everyday preparations for each day, he goes off into his own orbit. I like his happy place, there's lots of interesting things going on there, I wish I could go there too. But when the clock is running out, and its getting more pressure based, things get worse. Bring on the Mom voice, asking, reminding, nagging, yelling, threatening, bribing... Mostly none of that bag of tricks works. Backing off & allowing natural consequences isn't always an option. If he misses the school bus, well, now I have to drive him or he walks. Driving him is kinda what he's after, more time with me. I'm all about getting him independent in his life skills. I have already said that if I have to drive because he missed the bus I will go in my housecoat, jammies & slippers and walk him to the front door, a public deterrent I hope. He's still not quite on top of the whole strangers & interacting to let him walk alone regularly. That would be better if he had another kid to walk with, but he's excluded a lot. Thats another post later.
