Gotta love that adult sounding word, consequences. It sounds so official, judgy almost. Or that is how it is often used in parenting by parents discussing it with other parents. I certainly haven't enjoyed the connotations that go with it. Opinions are like anuses, everyone has one! I digress. I've been at managing consequences for 16 years now. I've been told by many well meaning (and some meddling) people in my life that I am not firm enough; not strict enough; not consistent enough when dealing with MrD, so that is why he acts out. Sure, I'm human, I can't be perfect. The big BUT in the room is, I am the parent in charge of MrD, it is my choice how I do or do not react or respond to MrD's behaviours or actions. I have done all the modifications I can to the best of my ability to give my son the best chance of success. I set a routine; I delegate chores; I monitor his internal & external environments (food, sleep, stimulation, bullying, boredom, stress...). And I dish out consequences.
I have done chore charts, prize charts, counting 1-2-3, praise, silence, arguing, bribing, with-holding privileges, spanking, corner sitting, timeouts, copying dictionary pages, extra chores... You name it, I have probably tried it. They all work, briefly, until they get burnt out. Complacence sets in and here comes the inevitable human factor, inconsistency. I'm a Mom, not a warden. I choose not to have my son live in fear of me. Don't forget the wildcard that MrD is a teenager on the Autism spectrum.
Now he's sixteen and not interested in a drivers license or dating. He is interested in gaming Xbox style. There's my "carrot in front of the horse" motivator. We had the Nintendo DS portable hand game system for many years, with rules attached to usage. The rules were built on & refined as we encountered problems. The kicker is that video games are very addictive. I have allowed some marathon gaming sessions to let it burn itself out. And then we talk about the anxiety driven "gotta gotta gotta play, must play NOW" sensation the games drive. And we talk about how anxiety and addictions can drive unhealthy thinking. Specifically, if we don't choose to control and direct our thinking patterns, our choices will not be in our control. That's where learning to limit set is so crucial. A marathon gaming session is fun. So is playing games on Facebook all afternoon (or night). The trick is to be aware of how our time is passing, so that the choices are not all consuming. This is so crucial to keeping impulse-ivity in check. Like online shopping, gambling, gaming, chat rooms, TV marathons... We all need to veg out and to enjoy our down time. Rest and relaxation do not have to be productive to be restful. I fell like I am rambling now.
My newest "consequence" is really quite brilliant. I used to say for every 5 minutes overtime on gaming, the reduced game time next round would double. It has to "sting" a bit you see, and to an elementary child learning math, they get it faster that way. Compound interest is not just for adults! Then I up the ante that if it is 15 minutes overtime chores of my choice-not his would be added in for each 5 minutes over. Cue the arguing, whining, wheedling, banging, thumping, yelling and tantrums. "But that's not fair!" Now the game changes into how much protest can MrD generate to punish me for daring to be an adult. How much can he dish out to me to make me as miserable as he thinks he is for being slighted so unfairly. How dare I tell him what to do! How dare I be a responsible parent! Now who's unfair to who with this railing moaning LOUD tantrum cycling up & down repeatedly for up to 2 hours. Those dramatic tantrums happen for other things too, so they've been seen before. Its a matter of weathering the storm and waiting for the energy of it to drain out. Then tears & a hug and a short talk since it was complete over-stimulation from the prolonged game time and my anxiety compounding nagging to get off the game. There you have a classic emotional sh!tstorm. I defy any "well-meaning-but-meddling-judgmental-advice-giving-adult" to be able to handle that without some mistakes.
One of the newest (Xbox) game time rules we have is this: "before game time starts, it must be agreed on between us specifically when the end time will be." If the end time is not honored, then consequences will be had. I am trying not to nag anymore. I realized tonight, sitting quietly nearby waiting for the game time limit to expire and the excuses for why he can't stop the game just yet. My cell phone doesn't lie about time, I can quietly look at Pintrest and remind him every 2 minutes he is overtime. Now, for every minute overtime, I can "fine" him a chore. He has far more energy & strength than I do, I may as well put it to work for me. He owes me 8 chores now.
