Changes

MrD is now 15 years old. He is a big brother to a new baby in our home.  He is dabbling between the worlds of young teenager & physical adulthood.  We appreciate it is a tough place to be.  He remembers how it feels to be bullied, yet he enjoys dabbling in it himself at times.  This week has been tougher.  Spring is coming, but not quite flourished.  He is dabbling in interpersonal warfare.  Verbal banter/sparring is our latest vexation, coupled with negative attitude and ticks.  Relentless grunting and armpit fart noises are his normal.  Thankfully the forced air between his lips bellowing-like-an-elephant noise has subsided.  Ticks seem to relieve built up tension and drive us crazy, so no real reason for him to stop or control them, right?  The solution eludes us.  I am tortured with the usual mothering worries in between exhaustion:  Is he eating enough?  Is he getting enough nourishment?  Is he getting enough sleep?  Is he fatigued enough from daily exercise?  Is he getting enough love and attention?  How much is enough?

He messed with a girl on Monday, "set her off" so to speak.  She wasn't innocent either, blasting him that he has no friends & no-one likes him.  Who knows what MrD was doing to help stimulate her verbal blast.  Last year she blasted him for sitting in "her" chair.  Like it has her name on it (it doesn't).  He purposefully sat in her usual spot.  She ordered him to get out of her chair.  He replied, "woof"  which was taken as calling her a dog (bitch), which he did indeed mean to imply.  MrD does not swear, but he dances around it cleverly.  We talk about these events, thankfully he will give me the pieces & eventually I get to the bottom of the story.  I suspect she may have been blasting him this round because of his relentless armpit fart noises, but MrD wouldn't tell me.  Tuesday we talked about ways to get better communication.  Like if she is talking like that, he could tell her not to talk down to him.  He could go with the classic hands over ears lalalalalalalala to draw attention to her behaviour if an adult is near.  He told me on Wednesday he held out his hand & said, "truce" and she accepted.  I told him that was a great choice & I'm glad he thought of it.  Wednesday he waved his (stinky) shoe into another boy's face.  Sigh.  When asked why, he said he didn't know.  When pressed that he must know why, he admitted he just felt like it, it was funny.  I reminded him that the school does have an anti-bullying policy & it can & will be used against him if he keeps it up.  He said it was, he got detention.  I have asked at the school that the detention be altered to time with the counselor but agreed that he did earn himself a consequence.

My goal this year is to continue to use this blog as an unloading & thoughtful zone for positive & negative events.  There is a lot of positive forces in MrD's life which I am thankful.  He is still progressing in Taekwan-do & is over the half way to getting his black belt.  He is passing his courses for grade 9.  He is doing well at Sylvans & almost at grade level.  An adult male friend has expressed interest in a platonic friendship of sorts.  MrD can help with odd jobs and our friend can help model communication & problem solving while gently guiding better choices.  Like a big brother, with the flavour of Behaviour Interventionist.  I have had it as a goal for a few years to get a BI for MrD, but it just hasn't been panning out, at all.  I am grateful that we have a gentle compromise in that direction now.  When it is tough, I white knuckle it.  When it is nice, I just have to remind myself to enjoy it, not to take it for granted since those are such precious short time spans.

Tattletale-tattletale

MrD has a knack for turning almost every adult he encounters into a tattle-tale at some point or another.  Its frustrating, and occasionally amusing.  I learned in MrD's elementary days from a wise experienced teacher the sweet definitions.  A "tattletale" is someone who tells on another to get them into trouble and maybe make them-self look good too.  "Telling" is communicating because they don't know what to do but want to help the other person learn & not make the mistake anymore.  Its dumbfounding how many people forget this distinction!

So I get these stinking phone calls, usually when I've worked a night shift & need my sleep, or I'm working & can't leave the site, or I'm sick & dearly needing to rest.  "MrD did this", "MrD did that" says a teacher, a teachers-assistant, a vice principal, a counsellor, a principal...  So then I hear them out: he wouldn't do his work; he wouldn't sit down when told for the x'th time; he won't stop making annoying  noises; he won't climb out from under the desk; he won't stop fidgeting with paperclip/eraser/ruler/pen/pencil/mechanical pencil...; he had a tantrum & tipped over a desk (only happened once); he won't come down from the goal post.

Its okay to laugh now, we sometimes do after it passes.  Inevitably when we do the "back-chaining," "sleuthing," or "following the chain of events," (all the same don't you think?) an adult has been inconsistent or unfair.  Or a classmate has set him up, he took the fall, no one saw the starting sequence, so the overt/subvert bullying keeps happening.  Grrrrrrrrr!  So we talk through the Integrated Education Plan ( IEP ) and I remind said tattletale to send MrD to the counsellor, the IEP teacher, the office.  He's been going to the office for things since grade 3, it has no bite, its not scary.  Going to the office means giving him a chance to take his mood out of the classroom & hopefully an experienced "professional" adult will communicate with him and get to the bottom of it.

Despite firmly reminding MrD that I'm sleeping today, to stay out of trouble, to not make the phone ring, I got a call from the vice principal.  He's been sent to the office multiple times last week & again today.  Sigh.  I make a point of calling each & every school professional by their first name to level the playing field.  I don' t lord my title over them unless they are being patronizing & inattentive.   Of course I've had 4 broken hours of sleep and now have to deal with this.  I listened patiently, then set in with quizzing what happened, where, when, who, what was done, has he spoken with the 2 professionals that are well versed in his communication style which is outlined in the IEP...  A kid last week has been bragging about masturbating during class & putting his thumb up his own rectum.  This disgusts MrD to no end, who wouldn't be disgusted by this?  Now all it takes is said kid to gesture to repulse MrD and derail his classroom experience.  After talking with MrVP I ask to talk with MrD.  I ask him bluntly & almost sternly what happened, what was done, when, why.  He diverts around with some excuses now, he missed the morning break & didn't get a snack; his knee hurts and the ibuprofen isn't working anymore (not quite true since I've observed it works well for up to 6 hours with him); masturbator kid upset him, BINGO.  I tell MrD that to him, that kid does not exist, he's invisible, to ignore him.  I ask to talk with MrVP again.  MrVP was writing down all MrD's responses.  I reminded MrVP that the masturbator kid  is bullying, and even though no one saw it (how convenient) kids know how to do things when adults aren't watching.  So I advised that he needs to get to the bottom of the now overt bullying going on.  MrD does not have any siblings to train him in the realities of "the set-up and the fall" game that most people are well versed in.  Even though this is grade 8 high-school, it still feels like the adults are doing the bullying at times like this.

Sense of senses

Our internal environments are controlled by our senses.  Autism children seem to read their senses more acutely and more intuitively, but have difficulty communicating it.  Parents are the #1 authority on their autistic child's behavior and mood.  Yet we take a backseat to other people's opinions or get shoe-horned into a label of "overprotective parent." (negative labeling with judgmental overtones anyone?!?)  We all know of 5 senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.  Most people forget energy is like a sense, it dominates our mood, our spirit, and our physical presence.  If we are tired there are gradients of fatigue that influence how snappy or defensive we come across.   Animals are highly capable of reading energy levels and often make a natural pairing with autistic children.  

Most people are familiar with circadian rhythm fatigue that brings an afternoon lag.  Those are often morning people.  Some people are aware of "sundowning" on the dementia spectrum, where erratic & nasty behaviours appear in the late afternoon or early evening.  Hardly anyone knows about "sun-rising," which is also seen within the dementia spectrum when anytime of the morning erratic & nasty come out to play.  Sun-riser people are the ones historically that everyone knew to leave them alone until they've had their first cup of coffee & cigarette of the day.  I believe those are often the night owls and shift workers that prefer evening shift.  

Children need predictable routine for meals and sleep schedules. Teenagers are a different thing again.  They are in a huge growing spurt with hormone shifts and moods.   They flip to evening or night hours easily but often require more sleep than children.  That answers the morning zombie state of many teenagers.  I think the most interesting part is that we can and do change our rhythms but we seem to have a natural setting we gravitate to. We have a natural adult weight we gravitate to so it makes sense sleep/wake cycles do too.  When we travel across time zones and need to re-acclimate on return, we do it gradually if its at all possible to avoid a sleep deprivation hangover slam.  Over a few days going to bed one hour earlier & getting up a bit earlier the next day is the kindest way to re-adjust our sleep.  Its the same for children and teenagers.  BUT sometimes I have to be The Bad Mom and let MrD get to sleep when he does, and then get him up 30 minutes earlier than the usual time, just to force the bedtime clock back into adjustment.  Yes, it means a tired morning and a crabby supper hour, but the next day isn't quite as bad a repeat since bedtime is tired and less fight.

Enter creative problem solving.  There's a schedule, and MrD does NOT want to cooperate, get up, or get on with the day.  Sigh.  Sometimes I start his day with tickling, that feeds attention and laughter which we all need. Then I give him a time limit to get up & dressed by, 5 minutes, or else he gets a splash of water tossed on him.  This is a graduation from a squirt gun which seems to have mysteriously gone missing.  I set the kitchen timer, when it beeps, he gets wet.  That helps set the action & consequence process.  I'm sure I won't win any parenting awards for it though.  It does work better than grabbing all the warm blankets and hauling them out of the room leaving him cold on the bed.  The next strategy is starting his morning earlier & earlier until he starts cooperating on his own, then I can back off a bit.  Good Morning!

Metal on metal

MrD likes to make horrible screeching noises like a 5 year old girl.  Most adults first day at the rodeo politely say, "MrD, please don't make that noise, it hurts my ears."  5 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Like metal on metal I tell ya.  "MrD, why do you do that?  Its upsetting everyone, please stop.  4 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!" Follow that  by anyone bellowing, "Stop it!"  Hopefully without any physical contact.  3 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Do not pass go, do not collect any $$.  I've tried, "Stop practicing weird!"  which minorly works, then its about 10 minutes delay before the next "Screeeeechhhh!"  Then tried,  "Ah, that's so sexy, can you do it again?"  Response, "GRRRRRR!!!!"  Bingo, I hit a nerve.  Score another one for creative problem solving!  Despite being 13 years old, MrD does not like any graphic kissing on TV, nudity, or the word "Sexy."  Mwwahh haa haa haaaaaaaaaa!  Another tool in the parent kit, what a child majorly dislikes, is often leverage against rotten behaviour.  I don't care if the noise is stimming, it's gotta go, and fast.  Another chip in the mountain of socializing a child to be a functioning human being.

A well timed...

I had trouble titling this post.  A well timed hissy fit?  When's my turn?  Why all the tantrums?  Make the yelling stop?  There are multiple times a week when yelling is the only way to get through selective hearing.  I can ask, remind, repeat, nag, yell, swear, and still not be acknowledged or obeyed.  Drives us crazy for everyday crap like flushing the toilet, brushing teeth, cleaning up own messes, stopping annoying behaviour or noises...Ad nauseam.

We have some methods that work:  removing privileges to electronics for a day or more;  adding chores; canceling play dates; earlier bed times.  Those don't always have as much bite as a more inappropriate solution.  Or should I say, "creative problem-solving"?  I have learned that if someone stockpiles dirty clothes and does not care if they go without clean ones, they still stink.  I don't have to put up with that, I re-fragrance with nice stinky perfume!  Man does that ever get the message in!  I don't pick up dirty dishes, I refuse to go along cleaning up behind someone who is capable of doing it themselves.  So privileges are suspended until the mess gets dealt with.  Conversing with other parents and adults is so crucial to help provide my own sanity break.  That in itself is sometimes enough problem solving.  Its worth it for the long run goal, independence & understanding WHY we do certain routines every ding-dang day.  No, I would not let it get to the point of bug infestation or mould or anything gross.  My job is to hammer in the message that being self sufficient is a life long skill.  MrD's job is to somehow assimilate it.

I have a high tolerance for ignoring certain things.  I have to.  Ever received, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..." in a store?  Anywhere?  And yes, sometimes I wait until Mr D forgets why he's Mom-ing me, and THEN bellow back, "WHAAAATTTTT?!"  Which is delightfully startling and embarrassing for him.  At times I do get to my breaking point.  Those moments really shine.  I feel awful for it but I would never let on.  I sometimes have to have my own tantrum to hone in the point that I am human, I have a breaking point, and I do not deserve to be crapped on with such awful behaviour.  Its stressful and exhilarating at the same time.  I do hold back, I don't call names and I don't condescend.  I do call him out that its got to stop, that this is not how a family treats each other (with toxic behaviours).  Once the storm passes, the tears and noses are wiped, the apologies & hugs come through, the most miraculous thing happens. Niceness.  Honest, genuine, real niceness and cooperation for about a week anyway.  All that week I think to myself, why did I wait so long?  My own meltdown was so worth it.  Complacence and tolerance factor in.  I am not afraid to challenge Auspergers Autism behaviours.  I am not afraid of the ensuing tantrums, broken stuff, tears, crocodile tears, screaming, and defiant behaviour.  I learned long ago that those are exactly when not to back down, to stand firm and continue to challenge.  If I do, crap gets even more entrenched, and the stubbornness is even more fierce.  Life is full of challenges, nothing stays the same so its best learned at home before the real world clobbers him.  Also I think timing is a valuable teacher.  If I have a tantrum every time I don't get my way, well, I'd be raging multiple times a day.  Not worth it, MrD would learn that Mom's having a hysterical moment, again, and quickly learn to ignore me more.  Like the, "WHAAAATTTT!" the shock factor is what makes it work.

I have to admit, I need to make myself "take my turn" a little more often than once every month or two.

Homework Aversion Power

Is it wrong to hate my son's homework more than he does?  MrD is such a smart person, he can do so many things.  Unfortunately he is insanely stubborn.  When he doesn't want to do something, he will do it as slowly and painfully as possible.  He has no insight into how this is a negative vortex that uses up all available precious free time & energy.  I have been indirectly studying how he thinks and learns. As anyone knows, it is much easier to learn when we are interested in the topic.  Most people don't have the luxury of learning only what they like. In the school system we take our due diligence & learn the prescribed curriculum and muddle through as best we can.  The goal is to pass, and to pass well enough that it counts cumulatively especially if we want to continue onward to college or university.

Much to every teacher's horror, MrD has terrible study & work habits that he's been honing for years.  In grade 1 he had printing homework, the teacher reported finding it hidden behind the class bookshelf.  That is problem-solving and intelligence right?  It's even harder to be the parent who has to receive these updates with child in earshot, and not react.  This son of mine, despite the initial faint smirk and firm clear language that this is not the way to "do" homework, grabbed onto the tiny smirk & took that as positive.  I had no idea he would grab that micro-expression so quickly and lock it into his memory.  He's always worked best for patience and approval.  His favorite flavour of approval seems to be with a twist.

What's a micro-expression?  We've all seen them, registered them, thought quizzically with why something doesn't jive in conversation, and ultimately ignored them.  They do ring alarms with our intuitive knowledge.  Have you ever received a gift and thought, "ugg, what the hell am I going to do with this?" but politely said with a smile, "Thanks!  This is so great!"  Chances are that smile wasn't genuine, your eyes didn't crinkle to match the smile, but it passed.  Before the smile, right as you thought it your body language briefly gave your initial impression away.  Watch other people & you will see it, it's brief but it's there.  That's a white lie made to help make the other person feel better and it keeps the relationship gliding.

Unfortunately micro-expressions are very easy to misinterpret.  I'm certain that is how some family feuds, street wars and office dynamics are corrupted.  High school is rife with these mini-dramas.  A fight can break out because someone didn't like how another person looked at them.  Experience, maturity  & insight helps level out these things a bit.  How about fights that break out online in chat-rooms or message-boards?  They often start because someone negatively misread another's tone or voice.  All interactions start with our own bias & mood.  How do you teach self awareness to someone that only wants to learn "cherry picking" style?

Back to hating homework.  MrD has a memory that snaps things he likes in fiercely, iron clad.  If he is struggling or doesn't want to learn something it doesn't stick.  The more he dislikes something, for whatever reason, the more resistant he is.  I have figured out the key is to trick ourselves into wanting to learn something based on the merit we may need it sometime.  That doesn't always work either but it helps.  If I don't want to learn something that I have to, I have learned to make myself start earlier and to work more often in short chunks of time.  AND I reward myself with doing something I really like to do.  Homework is one of our current problem solving dilemmas.  MrD has pure stubborn resistance power.  Even with tangible rewards, he forgets & lets the dislike predominate.  Somehow we will break this habit & substitute it for better ones.  It takes heavy detective work to find out WHY MrD dislikes or even hates a subject.  Sometimes it's the class, the time of day, a particular classmate, an assignment, or even the teacher or teacher's assistant.  I wish stubborn were a superpower that could be used for good, not evil, sigh.

Practical intelligence

More good news, the jacket was returned.  I'm hoping Mr D has learned something from this.  I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell's books, currently "Outliers."  I have read "The Tipping Point," and "Blink" as well and they generate a lot of interesting thinking for me.  They were so good I plan to reread them, which is unusual for me.

The "Outliers" book I am 1/3 of the way through.  I finished a section last night about "practical intelligence" which really resonated with me because it is so similar to what other professionals call "social skills."  The chapter was all about genius intelligence/skills and how some people succeed in life and others can't seem to.  It drew parallels in my mind to autism studies since some are well known historically to be genius minds.  Temple Grandin refers to the fact that autism teaches that we all have genius capabilities, and studying autism may show how we find these gifts of knowledge.  Autistic brains do think differently, they can skip around in topics, leap from facts and experiences like lightening depending on how extensive their mental library of resources is.  Some lack the ability to focus while others cannot escape their focus to the neglect of everything else.  I know it is in these extremes that gifts and strengths are hidden.

Practical intelligence is something we learn socially.  We learn how to interact, to communicate, manners, and hidden social rules.  If we fail to learn them, we end up with egg on our face or ultimately become socially excluded.  Some people even exclude themselves socially, because social events make them greatly uncomfortable.  It's not that they are sociopaths, we all seem to fear & revile that.  Its that they never had help learning how to navigate the rules.  I know this is why autistic children need to be exposed to as many new experiences and changes as they can.  Any child who's environment is narrow and unyielding to change would have social handicaps.  If you do not know how to navigate a rocky conversation, to smooth talk, to wheel and deal, or even how to be legitimately heard, those are handicaps too.

I have experienced many many tantrums, screaming-stomping-break things tantrums.  I would not miss any of them for fear of upsetting MrD.  The tantrums are his way of rejecting what he is overwhelmed with.  I do not fear tantrums, they are just noise and they pass.  Life is full of uncomfortable events & situations.  I wouldn't be doing my job as "bad Mom" if I didn't make sure MrD was uncomfortable at times, pushed from his comfort levels, and challenged.  Tantrums are hard but life is harder.  MrD doesn't have the advantage of having a sibling like I did growing up.  Many sibling fights simply prepared me for the world that life isn't fair, life is hard. If life were easy, it would be boring.  The world is a big place, there's no sense hiding a child from it because of an invisible handicap like autism.  Hiding from adversity is denying the chance to learn, to live, and to finding adventures.

I know I casually refer to Temple Grandin's work, and I mean no disrespect.  I strongly encourage anyone interested to read her works, she has a unique and enlightening insight to the autistic mind.  She has overcome many difficult life experiences & is a champion of facing challenges while breaking down biases.

Apologies & School of life

Good news, MrD apologized for his earlier lie about not having homework.  When another chance arrived, I asked him, "think carefully before you reply, Do you have homework?"  To which he immediately started to blurt an answer, stopped himself, and answered, "wait a minute" & went to check his backpack.  He proceeded to dig out his homework and do it, no problem.  He is concerned about being trustworthy and it bothers him to be considered anything less.  Hoorrayy for small miracles!

I recently wrote about natural consequences as a possible outcome for choices.  Recently MrD was schooled there.  He was (as usual) in his own little cloud, minding everyone else's business, the last kid out of a local sports group he goes to.  Somehow his jacket was missing, but another was left in its place.  He was very upset thinking that someone had stolen his jacket.  I'm not pleased either, but I'm not angry.  Losing a brand new $35 winter jacket, purchased just in the nick of time for cold weather is annoying.  I did send him right back in to check the lost & found bucket.  MrD was escalating his tantrum and in a nasty mood over it.  I had a hard time cutting through that to tell him to knock it off and listen to me.  We talked about the fact that someone probably took his jacket by mistake.  I told him that this is only one thing that can happen when you don't pay attention to the things going on around you and be on task, it could be worse.  If at long last he "gets-it" it will be a cheap lesson for his lifetime remembering.  Unfortunately his favorite toque was in the pocket and may be lost for good.  The most interesting thing about life lessons, they usually stick.  We talked through the fact that if someone really needed it, I would have preferred they ask rather than take it.  I am well aware that MrD is the one who needs the jacket, that is who it was purchased for.  It was important to revisit the concept of kindness and not vindictiveness over this mistake.  Teaching kindness is important, but I don't want him to be a "push-over" either.  That's life: Balance, imbalance, learn, repeat.

We had an event like this a few years ago where he insisted he had to take 3 brand new shirts to school to show the teacher on the last day of school.  He was really excited about those shirts as they had glow in the dark motifs on them.  He argued with me relentlessly that he had to bring them, that he promised.  He couldn't answer when I asked him what he would do if they went missing, other than to argue that they won't.  I relented and allowed him to make the mistake.  As predicted they were set aside and lost in the shuffle never to be seen again.  I didn't like being right but he needed to find out the hard way.  He still argues relentlessly about certain things.  It makes me curious what the life lesson will be that changes his mind about arguing extensively.

Down time

Video games, the bane of my patience and the love of my son.  They're great, they teach repetition, problem solving, pattern recognition.  They jump over the hurdle of anxiety that we can't do something because its not real, just a game.  They also build huge amounts of physical tension ("stress") while MrD's playing because he has to sit still, pay attention, direct the game, and ignore his environment.  That's a great way to veg out, until it's time to get off the game.  I have learned without limits, it is impossible to get cooperation.  If he's not off the game by the agreed on time, then he will forfeit double time the next day, or lose game time completely the next day.  Much whining, and arguing ensues.  I'm not his friend, I'm his Mom, I have a right to direct how he uses our resources.

A certain amount of parenting is being uncomfortable, making a child do what they know they should do, but don't want to.  Pushing a child to be uncomfortable (within reason) is how they learn.  We learn  math & english skills with repetition.  We learn to face uncomfortable situations by jumping in or researching first & they trying.  We learn by watching someone else do it first or falling on our face.  We teach overcoming anxiety every day in small & large ways.  We do no favours hiding our own emotional discomfort all the time.  It is exhausting constantly titrating to push or to hold back.

Back to video games, they're addictive but fun.  There's a balancing act we have to teach.  I like to experiment to see what happens.  There's sound playing layers of music or a constant drone, turn it down or allow it to scream.  There's blinking lights, changing colours, changing screens, changing challenges.  Imposing a short time limit is stressful, but so is allowing a free for all for an afternoon.  Its important to also interrupt him frequently on some games, just for the experience.  It is important to allow the experience of these factors and then talk about it.  I am trying very hard to appeal to MrD's sense of intelligence and growing experience & awareness.  It can't hurt to encourage him to think about it.

I find playing repetitive pattern solving games like solitaire, tetris, bejeweled or angry birds, relaxing, but after awhile my mind wanders away.  I said it, I get bored.  Interestingly, MrD is a terrible audience to video games, he's like a bad backseat driver!  I almost forgot how important it is to have the audience experience since I have lots of forced time in that seat.  I think it is great to be an audience because I learn how the other person problem solves and learn different strategies, or at least how they strategize somewhat.  MrD learns that he can't have his way, he can't impose his will, he is not in control, and there's nothing he can do about it.  That's life too!

We need to play more board games & card games.  They are so vital to turn taking, winning & losing, and strategy.  Most importantly of all, human interaction.  Electronics are taking over the world, its a digital age of internet, TV, advertising, games, shopping, communications, reading and entertainment.  They seem to omit social manners, interactions, and respect for space & property.  Most interestingly, they seem to promote addictive behaviours.  I can't go anywhere without seeing someone glued to a cell phone.  Is that anxiety I see when someone is constantly checking facebook?  Is it misdirected nervous energy?  Is it depression masked as addiction thinly veiled in obsession with email?

I am really impressed with human resiliency.  More and more people are dumping their facebook accounts after realizing that it is a glorified high-school setting of competing for status.  Not to mention it can be a horrendous time vampire.  I'm hoping that is saturation and intelligence at work for people to realize, they control their media not vice versa.  I believe this to be an active example of problem solving at its more complex levels.  If our heads are down too long, eventually we realize when we come up for air that something is amuck.  We intuitively recognize a pattern of "something's wrong" with our time usage.  Pattern recognition leads problem solving.  This is why I fight so hard with my son over the every day battles.  If I don't interrupt him and teach him what I am seeing, he cannot easily recognize it himself.  To allow mistakes and not always engage in the battles, he hopefully can also learn that he needs to control it.  We all learn self control, by experience and trial & error.  Thankfully, we don't have to learn everything that way, all humans are intelligent to some degree.  I strongly feel that fostering an awareness of feelings is crucial to knowing WHY things are right & wrong.  Without feelings, we would all be sociopaths to some degree.

Repetition

Repetition, life is full of it.  Patterns, games, daily activities, work, making things, doing things...  We learn by repetition, but also by making mistakes.  How's that go again?  We are doomed to keep repeating the same things until we learn to do it differently.  I have noticed MrD has gaps in his memory that repetition alone do not seem to fill.  When he is blocked, he starts "stimming," currently rolling from room to room, jumping and touching door frames 3 times, selective hearing (not new), and most interestingly - lying.

Lying is a topic unto itself, but apparently it is seen as a positive stage of change in Auspergers autism development.  In order to lie, you need to understand that the other person has a different way of thinking than yourself.  We all lie for different reasons, that's human.  Lying about who put the carton of milk back in the fridge empty; who left a big mess on the counter or table; why is there no homework.  Small lies lead to bigger lies unfortunately.  The dilemma is how to teach lying has rules too.  Lying teaches mistrust when carried too far.  Do I bust him harshly for boldface lying about not having homework, or do I allow natural consequences to get him with a failing grade?  Do I allow the messes to continue to the point where there's a bug infestation or the need to replace furniture?  Do I lecture about it briefly, harshly & extremely to hammer home the point that consequences happen?  Do I quit lecturing and make him pay for damages with money & extra chores?  It all depends on the lie, the sincerity of the apology, and about forgiveness so that compassion is factored in.  This doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring the lie, it is about learning and relearning until it is understood lying is wrong.  No one really stops learning, this is no different.

It is the memory gap that drives me crazy right now.  We keep repeating the same crappy problems, no one sequence of events is right each time to hammer it in that we have to behave appropriately.  I have gotten to the point where I feel like I want to scream, "Control yourself!!!" when he's rolling across the floor for the 3rd time in an hour.  Sometimes I do, he says, "Oh, sorry" and then does it again in a few minutes!  Even using the same harsh interruption of standing in his way mid roll so he is forced to become interrupted doesn't work.  Understanding why he does things helps, but doesn't crack the mystery.  Sometimes he's bored, anxious, pestering about wanting to play video games and being made to wait, or brewing about something I don't know about yet.

I have been searching online about problem solving, and teaching strategies for our situations.  There is no information about how to break into this type of uncharted territory.  That is why I blog my experiences.  It forces me to think concretely and put it out there to be real.  I have anxiety about blogging these experiences.  Am I overstepping, am I putting too much details, am I revealing too much family or personal information, am I at risk of compromising my son's right to privacy as a child.  Then there's friends & family, how much do I allow their thoughts and opinions to influence this.  I do lean on those trusted people to hear me out, and that helps my problem solving too.  I am thankful to have other intelligent minds in my life to help me bring this child forward in his life to be the best adult he can be.

Compassion?

How about I teach a way to think and learn about compassion?

Nurses have advocated teaching about pain management.  It was thought that if someone had pain, they would tell you about it.  Not everyone can communicate pain.  A very real way to think of it is that if you told me you had a headache. If I could not see your pain, it must not be very tangible, maybe its not real since its not real to me?  You are able to continue talking with me and don't seem to be in pain.  It was through nurses intelligent observation and sensible logical measurements pain became measurable.  The 0-10 scale combined with clear descriptors of qualities of pain, that it became a tangible thing to manage.  

How about anxiety?  It is a type of mental pain.  If you have never experienced a moment of panic, how would you know or empathize?  Here is an extreme way to think about it.  You have just consumed a whole pot of coffee.  Some people are acclimated to that much caffeine so think about enough to feel jittery.  Then go into a closed small dark closet, sit down and will yourself to be still.  Remember there is caffeine racing through your veins, its small and dark.  Soon enough you need to go to the washroom, but the door is jammed, it will not open.  Try being calm and serene, its not happening.  Now all that urge to urinate is creating bowel cramps from the pressure of sitting with a full bladder, but that damn door will not open.  It is not just the anxiety that is the problem, it is the compounded symptoms.  Now the door bursts open and relief is imminent.  Oops, you had an accident on the way to the washroom, you are now embarrassed and no one can understand why.  You are very flustered, you cannot tell them why since you don't want to admit to being silly enough to be locked in a closet.  Maybe you are more jittery, breathless, talking more excitedly (hyper-caffeinated) in attempt to divert attention from your oopsie moment.  Don't you think you are coming across kinda strange flapping your hands around talking mile-a-minute?  Kinda looks like stimming now somehow.  Stimming is a way to relieve anxiety, directs it, and is repetitive thereby calming, something controllable.  

There are ways to relate and teach all emotions in this way.  I've been trying to identify feelings and talking about them with MrD as if they are individual people.  Anxiety comes to town, sometimes accompanied by Scared and Mad.  Mad and Angry are similar but one is stronger than the other.  Sad, Lonely, and Bored are often related, but confusing to decipher.  Happy, Silly, Content are welcome.  Start with the extremes then the subtle becomes more and more clear.  We all learn by starting simple and building on it.  Treating these things this way makes it more logical and then when feelings pop up, it is easier to identify the cast to figure out the story.

Another's shoes

A big part of being Mom to MrD is to be aware of his perspective.  This goes a huge way into figuring out why he struggles.  Sometimes its not enough, but at least I'm trying.  Perspective taking is something I have had to be creative about in teaching my son.  Owning pets really helps, pets have feelings, ideas, and most importantly rights.  If you doubt that, you just need to read about animal abuse stories and think about the atrocities committed.  Animals can go a long way to helping teach compassion.

Perspective is important, so is compassion.  Then there is a line that is overboard and we are ripe to be taken advantage of.  I have found that teaching extreme polar opposite ends of why we have manners and why we do things a certain way helps form a framework to fill in the subtleties that create grey areas.  It seems that the big details help to make it make sense, with time.  Teaching why rudeness is unacceptable means talking about why you would not wear your muddy shoes into another's home, sit at their table and then swing those filthy feet up onto their table.  That shows why feet should never be on the table.  Building on that, sitting on your chair rather than waving your butt at your table-mates while you lean over & kneel badly in your chair picking something up is also rude.  See how the rules and rationale build with concrete examples.  Temple Grandin openly spoke of learning table manners and her mother's frustration with her eating with her mouth open.  It wasn't until Ms Grandin went to a friends home for a meal and was horrified to see others talk and eat with their mouths open.  She told of telling her mother that it was like looking into a open garbage truck and it was aweful.  Only THEN was it real for her mother to complete the teaching of why it is rude.  These types of lessons are everywhere to talk about and learn from.  They are commonly referred to as "teachable moments" and are often more valuable than instruction or formal lessons.

Being compassionate is not the same as being another person. It is the understanding that their experiences are similar but different than our own that is a milestone with Auspergers Autism.  From there we learn about lying, which is another milestone.  You have to understand other people have different perspectives or lying is irrelevant. Then begins discussions about lying, white lies, blatant lies, and trust, or erosion of trust as a result of lies.  The children's story about "Henny Penny, The Sky is Falling" is now relevant again.  The trick is finding less juvenile examples that are equally interesting.

Music has influence

Having noise as part of background environment is fairly normal for most people.  I've gotten back into having music using "SHOUTcast - Songbird" free from the internet.  The music selection is phenomenal!  For a long time we needed quiet because TV & Radio cause fractured attention with the screaming-sonic-boom-volume commercials.  Its hard for regular people to enjoy media with jacked up volume interruptions, try being a little more sensitive to sensory stimuli and wah-la, an instant recipe for frustration.  There are two enviroments we can control to some extent; internal and external.  (More blog posts upcoming about environments)

Sometimes when problems arise you have to go all the way back to the basics to figure out where is the hijacker that is making a problem or behaviour so maddening, or just contributing.  There have been numerous studies about music popularity and it is now known that top-40music follows recognizable patterns.  I hear more and more overlap in music genres now than ever before.  Patterns are identical or tweaked to be faster, slower, mechanical, interrupted, or enhanced somehow.  A musical brain would be fascinated by the myriad of facets of musical patterns.  A musical brain is often a mathematical brain, or one that recognizes patterns.

Motivational upbeat music has a tempo of about 80-90 beats-minute.  High octane exercise music has a tempo about 100-130 beats per minute.  Relaxing calming music has a tempo 60-70 beats per minute.  Ever noticed sleepy music is never on the radio in the morning?  Thats intentional.  It is a challenge to play with this information.  Afternoon lag?  Time to crank up the music and do something active.  The boost lasts longer than caffeine & sweets without the dehydration or energy crash.

Today I cranked up the Dance tunes, and getting up was easier for me and MrD.  I intend to experiment with music in our environment during meals, homework, and of course bedtime.

Change is transition

September brings grade 8 into our lives for MrD.  Its exciting and scary.  I remember vividly certain things about grade 8, the chaos, the newness, the anticipation, then the eventual, "that's it?"  I'm a generation X gal, apathy was the flavour for everything.  Much Music, neon colours, Goth, heavy metal, bubble-gum-pop-music, and more advertising than any generation before.  This and a family with heavy influence in critical thinking and social games, not much was a surprise it seems.  Now I see it was full of so much extremes and contrast, but it was normal.

MrD doesn't always handle transition well.  "Front-loading" helps, in which we talk about what's coming up next, sometimes in great detail.  With enough preparation he does quite well.  If we're going to the mall, he knows that is  a big busy place with lots of people milling around.  It used to be I'd have to remind him of the environment, which stores we needed to go to, and what we needed to do or get while we were there.  With practice it is enough now to know, we're going to the mall.  Familiar transitions are almost always easier than new experiences, that seems to apply to everyone.  Strangely we have transitions every day to get out of our house to go out that have resistance attached.  I still haven't figured out if its anxiety fueled or control or rebellion.  Its getting to be the same way to get out of the car once we're home to go into the house.  Its a mystery to me.

The elementary teacher-aid & high-school counsellor have done a phenomenal job of front-loading the high school experience.  MrD has had numerous tours of the high school at different times of day, seen the layout, walked the halls and learned what he will be navigating.  There have also been discussions about crowded hallways, awareness of body space, how much space a backpack takes & not to club people with it accidentally.  There have been giggling conversations about farting in busy halls, so there's definitely an awareness of noxious odors!  Then there's the daily schedule, students go to the teachers, opposite to how most elementary school programming is.  Time also has to be measured and judged.  "I forgot" or "I got lost" aren't excusable for very long.  MrD accepts these new big transitions quite well.  I suspect it is because he has not had a traditional one family upbringing with the same friends in elementary school and high school that I was so bored with during my education.  Then there's the interesting remixing of friendships & enemies, strange alliances that aren't obvious, and the ever present hormone soup swirling around.  That there is the monkey in the system, the mystery to why locker slammings, stuffings and bullying in general appear.  Kids know the rules, so they're subtle, they do things when adults don't generally catch them.  That's the big dread of grade 8.  Unpleasant events once, or repeatedly are enough to make anyone snap.  I'm hopeful the grade 8 year will be a success, yet I do not have much faith in the school system after all the subtle bullying episodes from elementary school.

Thinking challenges

I am really fed up with advertising media and their bag of tricks.  They pray on insecurities, fracture attention spans, irritate, annoy and rarely amuse.  How many products do we really need?  As a child I don't remember such a  gluttony of average products all in the name of variety.   Cleaning products, personal care products, vehicles, medications, food... Do we really need all of the products?  They will all do the same thing more or less.  I'm tired of the insulting barrage of: are your teeth white enough?  is your laundry clean enough?  is your car trendy enough? are you fat enough?  is your food tasty enough?  are you depressed enough?  is your erection floppy enough?  is your armpits wet or stinky enough?  are you tired enough?

Once you turn the advertising upside down like this it really changes the validity of their promises.  I think the general public need to rebel against this overpowering pounding of media and demand better.  Are people really the stupid sheep marketing patronizes in this way?  Do we need to be lead to every thought & conclusion in the name of promoting the economy?  Our landfills & recycle stations seem to show a different story.

I'm posting this rant for the simple rationale of thinking exercises.  Once we fall into habits of complacency and ultimately apathy, change no longer happens.  If I allow myself to think of my son as disabled, then he is.  When he is driving me crazy with selective hearing, non-compliance, or just laziness, I am the one who is stressed.  Once I wrap my brain around it, again, and turn the frustration on its head it goes away and I can problem solve again.  Labels can be positive or judgmental.  I am striving to choose positive labels to prevent the inevitable, "You are what you think" from happening.  Right now my son is very interested in Les Stroud "Survivorman."  Even more surprising is that he is equally interested in marketing and media psychology.  I can't help but giggle that they are the same thing, just different environments!

Score keeping?

Often we struggle the same way, day after day, week after week.  Occasionally I have an idea or a friend triggers something I have learned & forgotten in my "bag of tricks" to being a mom.  I have been thinking on our current particular cycle of horrible.  My son's father & I have been split up since Mr D was very small.  It is normal in our family for Mr D to commute in the car every other weekend at the halfway meeting point.  Mr D is an excellent car traveller because of this.  He's great at sleepovers too.  I have always told him that no matter what he is loved. He will always come back to me, and I will always come back to him.  This has immensely helped with transitions when he was small.  Now that he's a big 13 year old, the rules change.

There are definitely differences in rules between Mom & Dad's homes.  MrD's happy to go to Dad's house.  He comes back and is usually all discombobulated.  He's been allowed to stay up later, doesn't take his vitamins, different eating schedule & different foods...  Its just different.  He also hides his autism from his father, knowing Dad doesn't understand his need to be annoying, to do things repetitively, to have rituals.  My husband & I do understand, and we put up with a lot, within reason.  "Pick your Battles" is the old adage of advice that filters through.

So he comes back tired, smelly, caffeinated, and wide awake.  This is no fun to wrestle with school looming the next day.  I developed a new rule recently & it helps, but not on Mondays.  By 8pm MrD needs to be in the tub or shower (his choice), 830pm out & drying off, snacking if needed & teeth done.  This is a tall order, even with reminders to a kid with a poor sense of time.  We know this & are not too ridged about the exact time, the goal is to get  him to be responsible and independent for his jobs.  If he's ready before 830pm he can have "Boomer time," and take the cat (Boomer) to bed to cuddle while reading.   9pm is the end of Boomer time.  If he's dragging along, it cuts into his time.  If he's still not ready for bed by 9pm, fines start.  25cents/5minutes until 915pm, then after 915pm it doubles to 50cents/5minutes.  He's starting to see money has value so this works.  He whines & complains & argues every minute of the way, but as long as he's still getting ready for bed, no big deal.  A little melatonin (1.5mg) also helps on these evenings.

Monday comes, he's tired, slow to wake up, & dragging along every step of the way to get to school.  He gets out the door, but its his choice to eat or not.  Its his choice to get dressed or go to school in his pyjamas. Its his choice to grab his lunch, watch & key.  To be fair, I do remind him some but I'm trying to back off on that.  If he doesn't eat his lunch, I usually get phone calls from the school that he's being defiant somehow.  After school, I figured out that I need to work him, to not allow him much "down time."  I've noticed if I allow him too much down time on a Monday, he drifts along & fights me all afternoon, and all evening.  So I set the timer for 15 minutes and told him to be ready to go to help me get groceries.  That gets us out of the house.  About 2 minutes before I was leaving I hollered, BYE!  I was almost backing out the driveway before he came barreling out of the house to join me.  I told him to go back & wash his hands, then lock the door.  His hands were filthy & he didn't do it afterschool like I'd asked.  Automatic car locks helped reinforce the point.  He complied & away we went.  It was a big grocery haul, he enjoyed helping pick & lift groceries, visiting the sample ladies helps too.  When we got home he was great helping unload groceries, feed the dogs their supper (his job), cleaned a carpet mess, and helped haul the mega load of laundry back upstairs to the bedrooms.  He's just got enough time to preview the book he paid half for, "Survive, the ultimate Edition." by Les Stroud host of Survivorman.  Out the door again to TaeKwanDo, just in time.

This was sooooo much better than the usual argue, whine, yell-a-thon we usually do.  Draining his energy & keeping him busy in a positive way is the key.  I wish I'd figured it out sooner.  I also wish schools would take a lesson from this and exercise children right at the start of the day, maybe there would be a bit less behaviour problems overall.  Mr D was happy, busy, and helping, just the person he was on Friday before he had his weekend.

You will have to turn your head to view this, I still don't know how to rotate pictures in picassa to get it right to post.  There's also a giant pile of "waiting to be washed" on the floor, but this was about a 7 load backlog.  Hooray for young legs to haul it all back up the stairs.  That counts as "helping when asked" for his weekly allowance!

“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein

Parent Power

I have been through each of the "monster moments" described in the previous post.  Every parent seems to get a turn at them eventually.  Wanna know the unwritten Parent Power solutions?  Remember this first.  Parents can't always deal with inhumane treatment in soft sweet ways.  Kids don't always retain learning that way either.  The old, "If you don't stop ____ right now I'm going to count to 3 then you will _be in trouble_."  1-2-3 chances to correct then consequence time doesn't work for nasty behaviour.  It just gives the kid 3 more times to repeat & practice being obnoxious some more!  An animal doesn't sweetly or firmly count to 3 & consequence, the offspring gets cuffed.  I don't advocate for hitting children, but a well timed swat on the bum via bare hand is sometimes warranted.  Sometimes kids get away with things a bit too long, enough to really stand on our last nerve.  This happens personally because I'm stuck, I can't seem to figure out WHY is my son doing X, and HOW do I get him to stop it before I'm certifiably crazy. Its compounded by the fact that rotten behaviour almost always comes through when I am working lots, run down, or sick.  Definitely seems to stem from the need for attention.

Attitude problem?  Figure out what is the fight about.  Jack won't put on his shoes.  Fine.  He can wear them or carry them, his choice, no other choice.  If its winter outside, cold feet are unpleasant.  If its summer and hot outside, hot pavement is not nice on bare feet, sock feet stand a chance until he steps on a rock or something.  

Screeching noise?  This is just plain bullying by the child.  Sandy is purposefully stepping on Mom's last nerve & enjoying it.  I asked an experienced Mom who raised her children, some grandchildren & foster children.  This was a knowledgeable Mom who loved children & did her best.  She said that she drank a glass of water in front of the screeching child, and as soon as that child opened her mouth to sound off, the rest of the water was thrown in the child's face.  I used to blow into my son's face when he was a small screecher, but when the problem reared up again, water helped.

School trouble?  Well, drastic times call for drastic measures.  The smart parent thing to do is be involved in elementary programs.  Get your criminal record checked at the start of each school year (its free), get your driver's abstract on file.  Be a presence at school at least once a month if you can.  A younger elementary school student needs more sleuthing to find out WHAT is driving the child's behaviour.  Is it bullying, misunderstanding, stolen lunch, miscommunication???  An older child may just be practicing pre-teenage attitude.  How do you feel about auditing elementary classes.  I am prepared to do this & my son knows it.  He is only getting one warning that I will spend the day at school with him.  Socially it would be so "un-cool" to have Mom there every day all day.  Not the attention from his friends he was after I'm sure.

Accidentally on purpose missing the bus?  This one I have avoided.  My son understands that if I have to drive him to school because he wasted his morning time & missed the bus, just picture this.  I would drive him to school wearing my ugly red housecoat, pyjamas, and nasty slippers.  If I'm particularly mad I would put my hair into a towel wrap.  Once we arrive at the school I am fully prepared to escort him to the front door & give him a big hug in front of everyone.  I haven't had to do it.  Yet.

I'm sure psychologists & child education experts would cringe at any of these solutions.  They're not exactly politically correct, and may even border on what some people would define as abuse.  I think if used inhumanely, harshly, as part of power & control they are definitely abusive.  Again, there are no laws against parent abuse, just child.  Any behaviour correction plan could be construed as abuse if they are done in anger or cruelty.  Parent power isn't about power or control, its about correcting nasty child behaviours that no one should be subjected to.  If you don't have any parent friends, don't sit in your car after-school.  Go stand near the doors with some of the other parents, introduce yourself, start some conversations, share a complement.  Parents are all soldiers in the battle of raising children to be functional independent kind adults.

Mom Power

There are many days I struggle hard with the everyday details of raising my son.  Like every parent I am trying my best to get him to the end goal, to be an independent, intelligent, kind adult.  Its so easy to get bogged down in minutiae that fog the general plan.  As my son gets older and struggles to pick & choose between independence and obedience we lock horns in battle routinely.  How do you teach someone independence when they are constantly pushing boundaries, testing limits of patience and generally appearing willful?  I have found that every time we are struggling hard, I am too close to the conflict.  There are common wisdom cliché's like "you can't see the forrest for the trees," and "pick your battles."  It is really good to allow the school of hard knocks to teach a  few lessons.   As all parents do, I am constantly fluctuating between deciding to engage in battle to call him to task, or let him suffer the consequences.

My patience runs thin regularly, I am human too.  I suspect that my son would test the patience of Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and the most experienced behaviour therapists in the world.  He is not manipulative, resistant, or defiant. Those are negative labels.  My son is intuitive, intelligent, and seems to be learning behaviour by feel.  Some people learn to park by feel, BUMP, bang, CRUNCH!  Imagine pin-balling through life, navigating all the social rules, doing pretty well at it, & then BUMP, I thought I had that rule mastered already?  Huh, there's another sub-rule in there, GHHAAAA!!!  I will post a real example of that when it comes up later so its fresh reading.

What is Mom power or Parent Power?  Mother's have been utilizing this forever, it is real time direct, tried & proven child handling strategies.  Beware, these well meaning mothers are human, with thoughts, feelings and limited time energy and resources.  Their strategies will probably never be found in any child rearing textbooks anywhere, but, they work.  No one can take the parental abuse children hand out indefinitely, there are no laws protecting the parents or adults from obnoxious children.  When my son was small once a week I would go for coffee with a few friends during precious school hours.  Inevitably the conversation would turn to our kids.  "Jack has really been pulling attitude lately, I tell him to put his shoes on & he says NO!, what did you do?"   "I can't take it anymore, I can't go to the grocery store or take Sandy in the car anymore, the little monster has decided she likes screeching, repeatedly, for no apparent reason; I don't know what to do."  "Fred has been getting into trouble at school daily now, he's almost on a first name basis with the receptionist, the principal & vice, I can't take the daily phone calls anymore."  Can you feel the desperation?  The isolation, the sheer willpower to pull through just the one current maddening behaviour?  This is the real parenting that no one warns you about.  We've all seen a kid melting down in the grocery store.  Look at other people's expressions.  Some are super judgmental, others give a sigh, meet that parent's eye & knowingly nod the "its not your fault, the kid's just having a monster moment."

One step forward

Today was a beautiful sunny day.  My son had a happy weekend morning ignoring cartoons in favor of Nintendo DS in his jammies & blanket nest in the living room.  He ate brunch in a reasonable amount of time, got dressed when he was asked to.  The difference is there was no timeline to pressure him.  He had the option to go out for a co-ride on the back of a motorcycle or help me dig out the front yard.  He chose to stay home & help dig, he loves to dig.  It got too hot mid-day to dig so that was postponed.  He went into the backyard & was inspecting the well overgrown lawn & yard.  He took it upon himself to dig out the push mower & started mowing down that grass.  Without my asking him to.  I'm still reeling from the sequences of gifts from my son today.  No arguing.  No whining.  He saw a problem he could fix, and he went at it.  If I could do cartwheels, I would!

After about 5 minutes I asked him to let me put some sun lotion on him, which he narrowly allowed.  Skin cancer is a serious thing & worthy of prevention.  I sweetened the effort by telling him how proud I am he chose to do this job himself, without my asking.  When the job was done I would pay him $10, which is very pleasing to a kid.  He allowed me to get him his hat to keep the sun off & he wore it.  Every 5-10 minutes or so he would stop & need a drink of water or iced tea.  Or he would stop & investigate something or arrange something in the yard.  He found a dead mouse that our old dog killed.  He called out & told me about it, but didn't touch it.  He scooped it up with the dog doodie scooper & asked me to get a bag so I could put it directly into the garbage can, which I did.  About 40 minutes into this yard project, he started getting frustrated, the job is only half done.  Some sunlotion had melted into his eye with sweat.  He was frustrated with his hair being in his eyes & wanted to chop a bunch of it away himself.  He whined and sniveled about his hair being too long & why did I make him wear the stupid sunlotion.  To the point that if I make him wear sunlotion again he would like to chop off his head.  Now we're talkin', here comes the extreme language, a proper meltdown was imminent.  I suggested to stop rubbing his eye with his sweaty shirt since that will not help.  I suggested to go wash his hands & face & try a damp cool  washcloth, which he did eventually.  Much milling through the house ensued, sans shirt, eye rubbing in progress via tissue.  I suggested a tissue may have powder lint that may not help as well as a damp washcloth.

Once the eye was rinsed with saline the meltdown averted briefly, until annoyance with his hair resumed.  I said to leave it, & we can jump in the car & go get it cut properly so no one will make fun of any self barbering later at school.  He struggled with this, he really dearly wanted to chop it away himself.  Finally we got out of the house to the barber.  Where we waited for an hour & I had to keep reminding to leave the eye alone, amidst his squirming, & fidgeting.    Home again, a cold drink, & the mowing resumes, YIPEEE!!!  Considering the push mower isn't exactly easy to use, its warm out, and the lawn looks choppy now.  I have to go & check & praise his progress every 10-15 minutes at his request, but its done.  Another cold drink, & he's raking, on his own, without request or prompting.  I'm not sure if this is my son, he looks, sounds and smells like him.  Okay, the rake he picked isn't working & he's getting frustrated again.  I told him to hold on, I think there's a better rake, to let me get it for him.  He finished the raking, stuffed the rakings into a garbage pail, then stuffed them into the compost bin.  He's hopping inside the garbage pail stuffed in the composter to pack it down!  I let it ride.  We later patiently explained that squashing the contents of a composter means it won't decompose & it will have to be dug out again.  My son took it well, with a simple, "oh" response.

This could've been a complete nuclear event, with a smashed rake & mowed un-identifiable dog toys all over the lawn.  I was nearby, but not interfering.  Its almost like there's an invisible bungee cord between us.  When I am feeling well, and he is having success with an idea, it is a wonderful thing.  My son is happiest outside so I was fairly certain this would be a success.  We don't have a whole lot of stellar days, but this counts!  The happiness held on right through bedtime & on into the next morning.  A bright light in our home, I am thankful.

Listening

My son's selective hearing is very frustrating to our family.  We had his hearing tested & it's normal.  He can hear conversations that are none of his business.  He can hear crinkling in the kitchen that inspire him to investigate.  He can purposefully hear some silly  musical twists that make lyrics of songs hysterical & distorted from the original interpretation (I do that too!).  "You can call Me Al" is an old 80's song, can't think of the band right now, but I've always heard it as, "You can call MEEE--owww!"  Lots of people do this to lyrics, it makes life more fun.

When it comes to everyday jobs of getting ready for school, the bus, bed...  Well, I can ask him, did he brush his teeth?  He will either reply, "Okay"  or "In a minute." & continue reading comic books or building Lego.  He has done the social pattern of answering the question, but skirted compliance.  Let me tell you, this is really maddening when pushing 10pm & school the next day.  Time doesn't stop or wait, jobs still have to be done.  We've done all the parent tricks:  asking, repetition, yelling, begging, pleading, guilting, removing privileges, swearing...  Do not pass Go, do not collect any dollars.  Hold that thought, meaningful tangent coming.

Not that long ago he liked singing a really annoying song, repeatedly.  Did I mention repeatedly, in a horrible falsetto voice?  regardless of telephone conversations in progress, headaches, parent fatigue, REPEATEDLY.  The song was, "chicken wing, chicken wing, hot-dog and balognee, chicken & macaroni"  With the addendum of "Hanging with my homies" later on when he understood what a homie was (slang for a friend).  I have a really high tolerance for all things annoying.  I learned a long time ago that if I ignore the annoying current trick, it fizzles out because it has no effect. Didn't work this time, drats.  So, after putting up with this for a few weeks, it occurred to me, he needs to sing, he needs music, he needs reaction & attention.  I have never been great at playing by dictator rules, I usually duck & navigate my own way until the tyranny abates.  I finally had a "duh" moment, and thought, I can fix this, change the lyrics to words he doesn't like.  Well now, here's the new & improved lyrics: "Sexy things, sexy things, penis and vagina, boobies & _I forget the last word_."  We have a winner!!!  Every time the chicken wings song came out we would chime in with the new lyrics right over top, louder.  It took about 2 days, but it worked!

Back to the selective hearing topic.  My son was having trouble with stopping his preferred task of reading Calvin & Hobbes to get on task.  Who doesn't like Calvin & Hobbes? Thats great reading, normally a parents job is to encourage reading.  Its also somewhere in the unwritten job list to get children to comply on their own, to take ownership & responsibility for everyday tasks.  Now when I get the dreaded reply, "in a minute" or "Okay" I ask him again, with really syrupy sweet names.  "Honey Bunny, are your teeth done yet?" "C'mon sweetheart, its time to go!"  "Sweet'ums, get out of the tub please."  The more saccharin the better!  Now its a challenge to come up with sweeter & sweeter phrases with the added ante of saying, would you like me to open the front door for the whole neighborhood to hear?  Compliance achieved!  He got quite mad about this until I explained it to him this way.  He's dabbling between little kid & teenage independence worlds.  If he chooses to behave like a little kid, then I have to treat him that way.  If he wants his independence, then he should prove it by cooperating with these basic everyday jobs.