Good news, MrD apologized for his earlier lie about not having homework. When another chance arrived, I asked him, "think carefully before you reply, Do you have homework?" To which he immediately started to blurt an answer, stopped himself, and answered, "wait a minute" & went to check his backpack. He proceeded to dig out his homework and do it, no problem. He is concerned about being trustworthy and it bothers him to be considered anything less. Hoorrayy for small miracles!
I recently wrote about natural consequences as a possible outcome for choices. Recently MrD was schooled there. He was (as usual) in his own little cloud, minding everyone else's business, the last kid out of a local sports group he goes to. Somehow his jacket was missing, but another was left in its place. He was very upset thinking that someone had stolen his jacket. I'm not pleased either, but I'm not angry. Losing a brand new $35 winter jacket, purchased just in the nick of time for cold weather is annoying. I did send him right back in to check the lost & found bucket. MrD was escalating his tantrum and in a nasty mood over it. I had a hard time cutting through that to tell him to knock it off and listen to me. We talked about the fact that someone probably took his jacket by mistake. I told him that this is only one thing that can happen when you don't pay attention to the things going on around you and be on task, it could be worse. If at long last he "gets-it" it will be a cheap lesson for his lifetime remembering. Unfortunately his favorite toque was in the pocket and may be lost for good. The most interesting thing about life lessons, they usually stick. We talked through the fact that if someone really needed it, I would have preferred they ask rather than take it. I am well aware that MrD is the one who needs the jacket, that is who it was purchased for. It was important to revisit the concept of kindness and not vindictiveness over this mistake. Teaching kindness is important, but I don't want him to be a "push-over" either. That's life: Balance, imbalance, learn, repeat.
We had an event like this a few years ago where he insisted he had to take 3 brand new shirts to school to show the teacher on the last day of school. He was really excited about those shirts as they had glow in the dark motifs on them. He argued with me relentlessly that he had to bring them, that he promised. He couldn't answer when I asked him what he would do if they went missing, other than to argue that they won't. I relented and allowed him to make the mistake. As predicted they were set aside and lost in the shuffle never to be seen again. I didn't like being right but he needed to find out the hard way. He still argues relentlessly about certain things. It makes me curious what the life lesson will be that changes his mind about arguing extensively.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Down time
Video games, the bane of my patience and the love of my son. They're great, they teach repetition, problem solving, pattern recognition. They jump over the hurdle of anxiety that we can't do something because its not real, just a game. They also build huge amounts of physical tension ("stress") while MrD's playing because he has to sit still, pay attention, direct the game, and ignore his environment. That's a great way to veg out, until it's time to get off the game. I have learned without limits, it is impossible to get cooperation. If he's not off the game by the agreed on time, then he will forfeit double time the next day, or lose game time completely the next day. Much whining, and arguing ensues. I'm not his friend, I'm his Mom, I have a right to direct how he uses our resources.
A certain amount of parenting is being uncomfortable, making a child do what they know they should do, but don't want to. Pushing a child to be uncomfortable (within reason) is how they learn. We learn math & english skills with repetition. We learn to face uncomfortable situations by jumping in or researching first & they trying. We learn by watching someone else do it first or falling on our face. We teach overcoming anxiety every day in small & large ways. We do no favours hiding our own emotional discomfort all the time. It is exhausting constantly titrating to push or to hold back.
Back to video games, they're addictive but fun. There's a balancing act we have to teach. I like to experiment to see what happens. There's sound playing layers of music or a constant drone, turn it down or allow it to scream. There's blinking lights, changing colours, changing screens, changing challenges. Imposing a short time limit is stressful, but so is allowing a free for all for an afternoon. Its important to also interrupt him frequently on some games, just for the experience. It is important to allow the experience of these factors and then talk about it. I am trying very hard to appeal to MrD's sense of intelligence and growing experience & awareness. It can't hurt to encourage him to think about it.
I find playing repetitive pattern solving games like solitaire, tetris, bejeweled or angry birds, relaxing, but after awhile my mind wanders away. I said it, I get bored. Interestingly, MrD is a terrible audience to video games, he's like a bad backseat driver! I almost forgot how important it is to have the audience experience since I have lots of forced time in that seat. I think it is great to be an audience because I learn how the other person problem solves and learn different strategies, or at least how they strategize somewhat. MrD learns that he can't have his way, he can't impose his will, he is not in control, and there's nothing he can do about it. That's life too!
We need to play more board games & card games. They are so vital to turn taking, winning & losing, and strategy. Most importantly of all, human interaction. Electronics are taking over the world, its a digital age of internet, TV, advertising, games, shopping, communications, reading and entertainment. They seem to omit social manners, interactions, and respect for space & property. Most interestingly, they seem to promote addictive behaviours. I can't go anywhere without seeing someone glued to a cell phone. Is that anxiety I see when someone is constantly checking facebook? Is it misdirected nervous energy? Is it depression masked as addiction thinly veiled in obsession with email?
I am really impressed with human resiliency. More and more people are dumping their facebook accounts after realizing that it is a glorified high-school setting of competing for status. Not to mention it can be a horrendous time vampire. I'm hoping that is saturation and intelligence at work for people to realize, they control their media not vice versa. I believe this to be an active example of problem solving at its more complex levels. If our heads are down too long, eventually we realize when we come up for air that something is amuck. We intuitively recognize a pattern of "something's wrong" with our time usage. Pattern recognition leads problem solving. This is why I fight so hard with my son over the every day battles. If I don't interrupt him and teach him what I am seeing, he cannot easily recognize it himself. To allow mistakes and not always engage in the battles, he hopefully can also learn that he needs to control it. We all learn self control, by experience and trial & error. Thankfully, we don't have to learn everything that way, all humans are intelligent to some degree. I strongly feel that fostering an awareness of feelings is crucial to knowing WHY things are right & wrong. Without feelings, we would all be sociopaths to some degree.
A certain amount of parenting is being uncomfortable, making a child do what they know they should do, but don't want to. Pushing a child to be uncomfortable (within reason) is how they learn. We learn math & english skills with repetition. We learn to face uncomfortable situations by jumping in or researching first & they trying. We learn by watching someone else do it first or falling on our face. We teach overcoming anxiety every day in small & large ways. We do no favours hiding our own emotional discomfort all the time. It is exhausting constantly titrating to push or to hold back.
Back to video games, they're addictive but fun. There's a balancing act we have to teach. I like to experiment to see what happens. There's sound playing layers of music or a constant drone, turn it down or allow it to scream. There's blinking lights, changing colours, changing screens, changing challenges. Imposing a short time limit is stressful, but so is allowing a free for all for an afternoon. Its important to also interrupt him frequently on some games, just for the experience. It is important to allow the experience of these factors and then talk about it. I am trying very hard to appeal to MrD's sense of intelligence and growing experience & awareness. It can't hurt to encourage him to think about it.
I find playing repetitive pattern solving games like solitaire, tetris, bejeweled or angry birds, relaxing, but after awhile my mind wanders away. I said it, I get bored. Interestingly, MrD is a terrible audience to video games, he's like a bad backseat driver! I almost forgot how important it is to have the audience experience since I have lots of forced time in that seat. I think it is great to be an audience because I learn how the other person problem solves and learn different strategies, or at least how they strategize somewhat. MrD learns that he can't have his way, he can't impose his will, he is not in control, and there's nothing he can do about it. That's life too!
We need to play more board games & card games. They are so vital to turn taking, winning & losing, and strategy. Most importantly of all, human interaction. Electronics are taking over the world, its a digital age of internet, TV, advertising, games, shopping, communications, reading and entertainment. They seem to omit social manners, interactions, and respect for space & property. Most interestingly, they seem to promote addictive behaviours. I can't go anywhere without seeing someone glued to a cell phone. Is that anxiety I see when someone is constantly checking facebook? Is it misdirected nervous energy? Is it depression masked as addiction thinly veiled in obsession with email?
I am really impressed with human resiliency. More and more people are dumping their facebook accounts after realizing that it is a glorified high-school setting of competing for status. Not to mention it can be a horrendous time vampire. I'm hoping that is saturation and intelligence at work for people to realize, they control their media not vice versa. I believe this to be an active example of problem solving at its more complex levels. If our heads are down too long, eventually we realize when we come up for air that something is amuck. We intuitively recognize a pattern of "something's wrong" with our time usage. Pattern recognition leads problem solving. This is why I fight so hard with my son over the every day battles. If I don't interrupt him and teach him what I am seeing, he cannot easily recognize it himself. To allow mistakes and not always engage in the battles, he hopefully can also learn that he needs to control it. We all learn self control, by experience and trial & error. Thankfully, we don't have to learn everything that way, all humans are intelligent to some degree. I strongly feel that fostering an awareness of feelings is crucial to knowing WHY things are right & wrong. Without feelings, we would all be sociopaths to some degree.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Repetition
Repetition, life is full of it. Patterns, games, daily activities, work, making things, doing things... We learn by repetition, but also by making mistakes. How's that go again? We are doomed to keep repeating the same things until we learn to do it differently. I have noticed MrD has gaps in his memory that repetition alone do not seem to fill. When he is blocked, he starts "stimming," currently rolling from room to room, jumping and touching door frames 3 times, selective hearing (not new), and most interestingly - lying.
Lying is a topic unto itself, but apparently it is seen as a positive stage of change in Auspergers autism development. In order to lie, you need to understand that the other person has a different way of thinking than yourself. We all lie for different reasons, that's human. Lying about who put the carton of milk back in the fridge empty; who left a big mess on the counter or table; why is there no homework. Small lies lead to bigger lies unfortunately. The dilemma is how to teach lying has rules too. Lying teaches mistrust when carried too far. Do I bust him harshly for boldface lying about not having homework, or do I allow natural consequences to get him with a failing grade? Do I allow the messes to continue to the point where there's a bug infestation or the need to replace furniture? Do I lecture about it briefly, harshly & extremely to hammer home the point that consequences happen? Do I quit lecturing and make him pay for damages with money & extra chores? It all depends on the lie, the sincerity of the apology, and about forgiveness so that compassion is factored in. This doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring the lie, it is about learning and relearning until it is understood lying is wrong. No one really stops learning, this is no different.
It is the memory gap that drives me crazy right now. We keep repeating the same crappy problems, no one sequence of events is right each time to hammer it in that we have to behave appropriately. I have gotten to the point where I feel like I want to scream, "Control yourself!!!" when he's rolling across the floor for the 3rd time in an hour. Sometimes I do, he says, "Oh, sorry" and then does it again in a few minutes! Even using the same harsh interruption of standing in his way mid roll so he is forced to become interrupted doesn't work. Understanding why he does things helps, but doesn't crack the mystery. Sometimes he's bored, anxious, pestering about wanting to play video games and being made to wait, or brewing about something I don't know about yet.
I have been searching online about problem solving, and teaching strategies for our situations. There is no information about how to break into this type of uncharted territory. That is why I blog my experiences. It forces me to think concretely and put it out there to be real. I have anxiety about blogging these experiences. Am I overstepping, am I putting too much details, am I revealing too much family or personal information, am I at risk of compromising my son's right to privacy as a child. Then there's friends & family, how much do I allow their thoughts and opinions to influence this. I do lean on those trusted people to hear me out, and that helps my problem solving too. I am thankful to have other intelligent minds in my life to help me bring this child forward in his life to be the best adult he can be.
Lying is a topic unto itself, but apparently it is seen as a positive stage of change in Auspergers autism development. In order to lie, you need to understand that the other person has a different way of thinking than yourself. We all lie for different reasons, that's human. Lying about who put the carton of milk back in the fridge empty; who left a big mess on the counter or table; why is there no homework. Small lies lead to bigger lies unfortunately. The dilemma is how to teach lying has rules too. Lying teaches mistrust when carried too far. Do I bust him harshly for boldface lying about not having homework, or do I allow natural consequences to get him with a failing grade? Do I allow the messes to continue to the point where there's a bug infestation or the need to replace furniture? Do I lecture about it briefly, harshly & extremely to hammer home the point that consequences happen? Do I quit lecturing and make him pay for damages with money & extra chores? It all depends on the lie, the sincerity of the apology, and about forgiveness so that compassion is factored in. This doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring the lie, it is about learning and relearning until it is understood lying is wrong. No one really stops learning, this is no different.
It is the memory gap that drives me crazy right now. We keep repeating the same crappy problems, no one sequence of events is right each time to hammer it in that we have to behave appropriately. I have gotten to the point where I feel like I want to scream, "Control yourself!!!" when he's rolling across the floor for the 3rd time in an hour. Sometimes I do, he says, "Oh, sorry" and then does it again in a few minutes! Even using the same harsh interruption of standing in his way mid roll so he is forced to become interrupted doesn't work. Understanding why he does things helps, but doesn't crack the mystery. Sometimes he's bored, anxious, pestering about wanting to play video games and being made to wait, or brewing about something I don't know about yet.
I have been searching online about problem solving, and teaching strategies for our situations. There is no information about how to break into this type of uncharted territory. That is why I blog my experiences. It forces me to think concretely and put it out there to be real. I have anxiety about blogging these experiences. Am I overstepping, am I putting too much details, am I revealing too much family or personal information, am I at risk of compromising my son's right to privacy as a child. Then there's friends & family, how much do I allow their thoughts and opinions to influence this. I do lean on those trusted people to hear me out, and that helps my problem solving too. I am thankful to have other intelligent minds in my life to help me bring this child forward in his life to be the best adult he can be.
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