feet?

creeping feet

MrD has been growing, fast.  I noticed among the grade 7 boys, the taller ones did something unusual with their feet.  They would reach out with their foot to touch something or someone, almost affectionately, for lack of a better word.  When I think of it, its creepy, who wants someone else's nasty creeping feet touching them?  It seems to be some indirect way of making contact, or possibly just bugging.  I've been noticing that MrD has less of a need to "hang" from monkey bars and goal posts.  That's possibly because its winter, and grade 8 highschool does not have playgrounds like the elementary schools do.  Now he's all about stretching, really stretching, complete with pathetic drawn out horrible noises.  If he's not stretching, he's flopped out upside down on the recliner or sitting on his bean-bag chair intently touching the blinds or walls.

Another fun observation lately is the obvious.  If I ask MrD to go get something familiar on the counter among 6-15 other items, it can be right under his nose & he can't find it.  Strange but true.  A conversation with another Mom who's son is all grown up mentioned pointing.  Its common to point at something in the distance as a conversation reference.  Something in the spacial cue and vagueness makes it impossible to pinpoint what is being pointed at, therefore, meltdown is imminent.  Reflecting on this conversation I recalled a similar event.  Driving MrD downtown, I noticed up along the upper skyline was a blinking orange light moving along the hill.  It was likely snow removal equipment or a tow truck.  I asked MrD if he saw it and he did not.  He proceeded to get very upset by something that was directly ahead in both our line of vision. He really & truely could not see it and demanded repeatedly where is it, to show him, louder and louder.  I know his vision is excellent by how he brags of playing "punch-buggy" with his bioDad and frustrating because he wins a lot more points.  It's just interesting observations for a child who is so detail oriented to miss something right in front of him.

Another day, another tantrum

 Hoarfrost looks almost dangerous, yet is incredibly fragile and temporary.  I don't believe Hell to always be hot, sometimes it is ever so bone-chillingly cold.  

Yesterday was tough.  Its always worst when I'm not feeling well, regardless of illness, shift-work or general overwhelming fatigue days.  I realize MrD is competing for attention, I know at 13 he still needs attention.  I have always tried to encourage him to amuse himself.  At times he just can't, currently its most awful when he's competing for "who feels worst" title.  That pisses me off.  I realize it is part of his self centric self and that he will always be young for his age.  That doesn't change the fact that he has no right to kick me when I'm down, or anyone for that matter.  He has a sore knee, which we will address at an upcoming doctor appointment.  He's been complaining of it for awhile now, but I have been allowing common sense to watch & wait to see if it settles down or gets worse.  I understand that pain is pain, and it is what the person says it is.  Pain also reduces his coping.  I struggle with the reality that at times its better & worse, and sometimes becomes an excuse to not do things he didn't want to do anyways.  Yet, in the midst of yet another tantrum, because he can't have his own way (computer time), he chose to hit his sore knee.  Somehow, he was trying to emphasize he is hurting more.  Immature coping, paired with Auspergers logic, how the hell do I figure this out?  Thankfully my husband took MrD for a drive, he saw MrD railing for attention I did not have to give, and that MrD had no right to be demanding in such a vicious way.  I had a chance to read this long article, Why French parents are superior.  I realize it is a commentary of social differences.  The gem was that children need to be taught patience, to wait, and to accept it.  That's a very real life skill.  I have worked for 13 years to teach this, but I still have to remind myself that MrD is a work in progress.  The proof is that MrD can do so many things independently already.  He can walk to & from school, safely ride his bicycle, use the telephone, electronics, washer/drier, dishwasher, feed the pets...  He just can't always cope as expected, that is why Auspergers autism is often known as an invisible disorder.  Every day we have another example of why adults have to adapt their thinking to the problem at hand of how to get forward movement out of this child.  He came home tearful and apologetic because he almost got himself an early ride all the way to his Dad's home.  Thankfully my husband realized my son was playing in bullying and manipulations, not just unmet needs of attention.  I suppose those are signs of MrD's advancing thinking modes, certainly not modes that we will ever encourage.

A well timed...

I had trouble titling this post.  A well timed hissy fit?  When's my turn?  Why all the tantrums?  Make the yelling stop?  There are multiple times a week when yelling is the only way to get through selective hearing.  I can ask, remind, repeat, nag, yell, swear, and still not be acknowledged or obeyed.  Drives us crazy for everyday crap like flushing the toilet, brushing teeth, cleaning up own messes, stopping annoying behaviour or noises...Ad nauseam.

We have some methods that work:  removing privileges to electronics for a day or more;  adding chores; canceling play dates; earlier bed times.  Those don't always have as much bite as a more inappropriate solution.  Or should I say, "creative problem-solving"?  I have learned that if someone stockpiles dirty clothes and does not care if they go without clean ones, they still stink.  I don't have to put up with that, I re-fragrance with nice stinky perfume!  Man does that ever get the message in!  I don't pick up dirty dishes, I refuse to go along cleaning up behind someone who is capable of doing it themselves.  So privileges are suspended until the mess gets dealt with.  Conversing with other parents and adults is so crucial to help provide my own sanity break.  That in itself is sometimes enough problem solving.  Its worth it for the long run goal, independence & understanding WHY we do certain routines every ding-dang day.  No, I would not let it get to the point of bug infestation or mould or anything gross.  My job is to hammer in the message that being self sufficient is a life long skill.  MrD's job is to somehow assimilate it.

I have a high tolerance for ignoring certain things.  I have to.  Ever received, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..." in a store?  Anywhere?  And yes, sometimes I wait until Mr D forgets why he's Mom-ing me, and THEN bellow back, "WHAAAATTTTT?!"  Which is delightfully startling and embarrassing for him.  At times I do get to my breaking point.  Those moments really shine.  I feel awful for it but I would never let on.  I sometimes have to have my own tantrum to hone in the point that I am human, I have a breaking point, and I do not deserve to be crapped on with such awful behaviour.  Its stressful and exhilarating at the same time.  I do hold back, I don't call names and I don't condescend.  I do call him out that its got to stop, that this is not how a family treats each other (with toxic behaviours).  Once the storm passes, the tears and noses are wiped, the apologies & hugs come through, the most miraculous thing happens. Niceness.  Honest, genuine, real niceness and cooperation for about a week anyway.  All that week I think to myself, why did I wait so long?  My own meltdown was so worth it.  Complacence and tolerance factor in.  I am not afraid to challenge Auspergers Autism behaviours.  I am not afraid of the ensuing tantrums, broken stuff, tears, crocodile tears, screaming, and defiant behaviour.  I learned long ago that those are exactly when not to back down, to stand firm and continue to challenge.  If I do, crap gets even more entrenched, and the stubbornness is even more fierce.  Life is full of challenges, nothing stays the same so its best learned at home before the real world clobbers him.  Also I think timing is a valuable teacher.  If I have a tantrum every time I don't get my way, well, I'd be raging multiple times a day.  Not worth it, MrD would learn that Mom's having a hysterical moment, again, and quickly learn to ignore me more.  Like the, "WHAAAATTTT!" the shock factor is what makes it work.

I have to admit, I need to make myself "take my turn" a little more often than once every month or two.

Practical intelligence

More good news, the jacket was returned.  I'm hoping Mr D has learned something from this.  I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell's books, currently "Outliers."  I have read "The Tipping Point," and "Blink" as well and they generate a lot of interesting thinking for me.  They were so good I plan to reread them, which is unusual for me.

The "Outliers" book I am 1/3 of the way through.  I finished a section last night about "practical intelligence" which really resonated with me because it is so similar to what other professionals call "social skills."  The chapter was all about genius intelligence/skills and how some people succeed in life and others can't seem to.  It drew parallels in my mind to autism studies since some are well known historically to be genius minds.  Temple Grandin refers to the fact that autism teaches that we all have genius capabilities, and studying autism may show how we find these gifts of knowledge.  Autistic brains do think differently, they can skip around in topics, leap from facts and experiences like lightening depending on how extensive their mental library of resources is.  Some lack the ability to focus while others cannot escape their focus to the neglect of everything else.  I know it is in these extremes that gifts and strengths are hidden.

Practical intelligence is something we learn socially.  We learn how to interact, to communicate, manners, and hidden social rules.  If we fail to learn them, we end up with egg on our face or ultimately become socially excluded.  Some people even exclude themselves socially, because social events make them greatly uncomfortable.  It's not that they are sociopaths, we all seem to fear & revile that.  Its that they never had help learning how to navigate the rules.  I know this is why autistic children need to be exposed to as many new experiences and changes as they can.  Any child who's environment is narrow and unyielding to change would have social handicaps.  If you do not know how to navigate a rocky conversation, to smooth talk, to wheel and deal, or even how to be legitimately heard, those are handicaps too.

I have experienced many many tantrums, screaming-stomping-break things tantrums.  I would not miss any of them for fear of upsetting MrD.  The tantrums are his way of rejecting what he is overwhelmed with.  I do not fear tantrums, they are just noise and they pass.  Life is full of uncomfortable events & situations.  I wouldn't be doing my job as "bad Mom" if I didn't make sure MrD was uncomfortable at times, pushed from his comfort levels, and challenged.  Tantrums are hard but life is harder.  MrD doesn't have the advantage of having a sibling like I did growing up.  Many sibling fights simply prepared me for the world that life isn't fair, life is hard. If life were easy, it would be boring.  The world is a big place, there's no sense hiding a child from it because of an invisible handicap like autism.  Hiding from adversity is denying the chance to learn, to live, and to finding adventures.

I know I casually refer to Temple Grandin's work, and I mean no disrespect.  I strongly encourage anyone interested to read her works, she has a unique and enlightening insight to the autistic mind.  She has overcome many difficult life experiences & is a champion of facing challenges while breaking down biases.

Prepared

I try very hard to keep prepared & to teach my son this skill.  It affects everything, from cleaning up after yourself, to having everything ready to go to get out the door.  As we all know, if you don't put away your breakfast dishes, they will be there waiting for you later.  "I'll do it later," is the common thought right.  Well, then later comes, you have other chores to do, and other commitments to run off to.  Later never comes.  Next thing you know its tomorrow morning & there's the stinking dishes from yesterday, still sitting there.  This is typical action & consequence in real life.  Being prepared to get out the door has its own obstacles.  I have found that I have to break it down, every day, to the essentials.  If I leave it open to guess, stuff gets missed, like lunch.  The natural consequence for that is to go hungry and to play on your friends generosity to share their lunches.  When there's a lack of friends because of exclusion practices in play, who's going to share their lunch?  Then it snowballs into a hungry morning since there's nothing to snack on.  Then a hungry grumpy lunch time with nothing to do or eat while everyone eats their lunches.  Other kids can sense he's on the brink of not coping, so they tease his last nerve because thats what kids do (and its kinda fun to push him around a bit, power play stuff).  Then the afternoon is where the struggle really shines.  Being outside on the playground is usually okay, outside is nice, there's other things to think of and do.  Class starts again & the hungries set in.  This wouldn't bother a regular kid the same way because they would've mootched of their friends lunches.  My auspie kid didn't.  So now there is learning to do, behaviours to keep in check.  Again with other kids zeroing in on this, they quietly but steadily take turns bugging the last nerve.  It doesn't take long for a full on Mad to erupt, this ends the learning, the concentration, and the coping that was on thin ice anyway.  Off to the school office, where the Mad is out of the classroom, but needs to be vetted somehow.  No adult seems to know how to communicate or address the Mad, or defuse it.   Enter Yelling, and what looks like Uncooperative arm & arm with Defiant.  Or thats what it looks like to any adult that has no knowledge or comprehension of the backstory.  See, autism is invisible now.  My son has been punished like this multiple times every school year.  Despite multiple communications, extra snacks stashed in the backpack, and repeated occurrences, it keeps happening from time to time.  Sometimes it happens if he was busy minding the social interactions in play during lunch between his classmates.  Sometimes he's way off task & no one was around to check & cue him to get on with it, eat your lunch.  The fallout overflows to the school bus ride home, where other kids, even much younger ones, enjoy poking the last shreds of nerves.  Then if he's really lucky, he can't communicate it to the bus driver because he's so overwhelmed & fed up, HE gets punished by the bus driver with a disciplinary warning bus note.  Next transition is coming home, bang the front door, with Mad & Unpleasant in full power.  The cats know to hide.  I know that he needs to calm down but there's no way he's gonna snack at this point.  On goes happy cartoons, with my direction, "
on the next commercial, go wash your hands & face so you can snack."

This is just one day, that can happen several times a week.  I've seen it happen enough to know the whole sequence.  I've done the "sleuthing" the "planning" and the "problem solving."  It doesn't do any good to hide him from daily interactions or events.  Life isn't fair, or easy.  If an auspie kid is never made to go through the everyday challenges, how will they ever learn to figure it out themselves?  We've had lots & lots of problem days, similar & different to the one described today.  Sometimes all the planning & preparedness just goes out the window.  Thats life isn't it.

Media

I learned when my child fixates on something to the exclusion of all others to be cautious & seriously question it.  Video games are designed to be addictive.  They're repetitive & reward based, solve or conquer.  They're fun, but they need to be limited.  Its hard to be the one to always take the high road, to do things the hard way.  I have to set limits on TV, computer time, & video games in our home.  Its not reasonable to exclude them, but I can teach boundary setting a little at a time.  I'm a mean Mom that way.  Occasionally I let the video games go on for a whole afternoon, thats okay too.  I received good advice to allow it once in a while because the body sets consequences of boredom, frustration hunger, thirst & bathroom breaks that cannot be ignored indefinitely.  The fallout of a grumpy boy is not sweet, downright nasty usually.  Thats where the hard road fits in, sourcing out the root of the tantrum is usually hunger & fatigue.  Snack time, quiet, distraction & later discussion of the frustration sometimes helps.

So, electronics are addicting but repetitive and socially acceptable.  Stimming is not.  Stimming is self stimulating at a primal level to relieve stress or anxiety.  Sometimes they are referred to as "ticks." Some kids spin, rock, self harm, knock, hum,  click or grunt.  It is hard to be vigilant for stimming because it changes.  Is biting your nails, tapping a pen, clenching your jaw, licking your lips, blinking repeatedly or flinching stimming?  The clue lies in the behaviour.  Is it impossible to stop mid stim?  Is it tantrum status if interrupted?  The problem I've found is that the bigger a deal I make about the stimming, the more anxiety is created & the more entrenched the stimming becomes.  Thats a vicious circle no one wants to be in the middle of.