Xrays

Good news, MrD does not have Osgood-Schlatter Disease (Knee Pain)  according to the xrays everything is normal.  Bad news is, what is it?  So we wait, we limp, he misses out on gym class, and Taekwando, and gets more & more pent up.  I have been challenging him with lots of tutoring.  He also has to do a minimum 30 minutes a day of typing tutor before he gets any computer time.  He's really resistant to the typing tutor, so I have to stand my ground & mention there will be no video games until the TT time is done.  I set the expectation, stood my ground, and he's up to 10 words/minute.  Score one for Mom!  I figure if he needs to rest, his brain needs to be kept active.  In 4 weeks we revisit the doctor & see what happens next.  Fingers crossed this goes away soon, this boy needs to be kept busy!

This is a Dr Dreadful (gross) candy making kit.

This candy making set has nothing to do with tattle tales.  It's great for encouraging a bath for relaxing & soaking with a sore knee.  It is a great bathtub play set, just be sure to get rid of 50% of the candy before handing it to a child, unless you like peeling children off the ceiling!

And then the dog died

Here's our old dogs, Barney in the foreground, Ginger in the background wearing her winter sweater.  This is a picture from their younger years.  We know that animals help teach so very much, especially to children.  We all receive birthdays,  with that comes an unspoken knowledge of a "death day," some day.  Barney was 16 and getting quite senile with cataracts, hearing loss and even seemed to be losing his nose sense.  Barney was found as a pup, tied to a tree in a ravine, abandoned.  The neighborhood and SPCA were canvassed and no one claimed him so my (not yet) husband kept him.  Ginger has been a good friend to him being his eyes & ears assistance these last few years.  I got Ginger from the SPCA when she was about 2 years old.  MrD was about 2 years old at the time, he has grown up knowing these dogs friendship and oddities.  I have encouraged MrD to think of pets as people too, I believe the alternate that they are objects would be teaching possibly sociopath tendencies.  Everyone knows pets have their own special personalities, positive & negative.  With pets comes responsibilities, MrD learned to give them cookies in the morning, supper every day, water and defertilizinig the yard duties.  He had a ritual for awhile of giving them "special suppers" which became more and more complicated and lengthy.  Once we realized it was becoming more obsessive than practical, discussions and subtle changes in the routine enabled breaking the obsessive component.

The day Barney passed was not typical.  My husband had to go out, MrD was asked to let me rest to have a bit of a sleep in.  I heard the dog yelping but I knew they were up & didn't get up immediately, figuring they could handle it.  A short time later MrD came to me in tears, "Barney died."  My brave fellow watched the whole short event by himself and didn't call for me.  No one made him, but he knew it was important to be there & not leave the dog alone.  He told me that Barney seemed a bit scared so he made sure to stay right there & pet him & tell him he's okay.  I told him that he did the right thing, and that this was a special thing that Barney maybe wanted him there.  That poor old dog suffered anxiety and hated being alone for his whole life.

MrD understands that everyone has a death date since we've lost a cat and then my Dad in the last few years.  He has interprets death in his own way, that we go to heaven, to be the essence of life & love and that the spirit lives on, especially in our memory.  Everyone was lost for the day but it was most important that we be kind to each other and not spend the whole day moping.  Over lunch MrD & I talked about anxiety and grief, how similar they can be creeping in.  I told him I think of it like a wave.  If I stop and stare at it too long, it freezes, and I'm left staring at it and don't know what to do with it.  If I take a deep breath I can let it roll over me, through me, and let it pass as its meant to its not as bad.  MrD said for him its more like a wall.  I asked him what he meant.  He said that its like driving through town and hitting the pulp-mill wall of stench.  One moment the air is fine, then next moment its tortuous.  He said that there is no point stopping then and being stuck in that stench, that it is more important to keep going to get through it and away from it.  Nothing like a small town northern Canadian to have a perspective like that!

And then we learn again from our animals, routines change, we miss our friend and the day marches on.  Animals miss their lost friends, but they accept it and move on.  I think they are smarter than humans for this, they don't let it dominate them indefinitely.  Death doesn't define us, life does.  I have seen that the longer we fixate on hard feelings, the longer they change our brain chemistry to stay that way.  Depression, anxiety, fear, paranoia, even pain all grow this way because of the extra time thinking about them in our neural pathways.  Our memories are built of repetition and learning and it makes sense that mental health can grow or recede by our own will.  That's when we need the strength and support of our families & friends most.

Another day, another tantrum

 Hoarfrost looks almost dangerous, yet is incredibly fragile and temporary.  I don't believe Hell to always be hot, sometimes it is ever so bone-chillingly cold.  

Yesterday was tough.  Its always worst when I'm not feeling well, regardless of illness, shift-work or general overwhelming fatigue days.  I realize MrD is competing for attention, I know at 13 he still needs attention.  I have always tried to encourage him to amuse himself.  At times he just can't, currently its most awful when he's competing for "who feels worst" title.  That pisses me off.  I realize it is part of his self centric self and that he will always be young for his age.  That doesn't change the fact that he has no right to kick me when I'm down, or anyone for that matter.  He has a sore knee, which we will address at an upcoming doctor appointment.  He's been complaining of it for awhile now, but I have been allowing common sense to watch & wait to see if it settles down or gets worse.  I understand that pain is pain, and it is what the person says it is.  Pain also reduces his coping.  I struggle with the reality that at times its better & worse, and sometimes becomes an excuse to not do things he didn't want to do anyways.  Yet, in the midst of yet another tantrum, because he can't have his own way (computer time), he chose to hit his sore knee.  Somehow, he was trying to emphasize he is hurting more.  Immature coping, paired with Auspergers logic, how the hell do I figure this out?  Thankfully my husband took MrD for a drive, he saw MrD railing for attention I did not have to give, and that MrD had no right to be demanding in such a vicious way.  I had a chance to read this long article, Why French parents are superior.  I realize it is a commentary of social differences.  The gem was that children need to be taught patience, to wait, and to accept it.  That's a very real life skill.  I have worked for 13 years to teach this, but I still have to remind myself that MrD is a work in progress.  The proof is that MrD can do so many things independently already.  He can walk to & from school, safely ride his bicycle, use the telephone, electronics, washer/drier, dishwasher, feed the pets...  He just can't always cope as expected, that is why Auspergers autism is often known as an invisible disorder.  Every day we have another example of why adults have to adapt their thinking to the problem at hand of how to get forward movement out of this child.  He came home tearful and apologetic because he almost got himself an early ride all the way to his Dad's home.  Thankfully my husband realized my son was playing in bullying and manipulations, not just unmet needs of attention.  I suppose those are signs of MrD's advancing thinking modes, certainly not modes that we will ever encourage.

Sense of senses

Our internal environments are controlled by our senses.  Autism children seem to read their senses more acutely and more intuitively, but have difficulty communicating it.  Parents are the #1 authority on their autistic child's behavior and mood.  Yet we take a backseat to other people's opinions or get shoe-horned into a label of "overprotective parent." (negative labeling with judgmental overtones anyone?!?)  We all know of 5 senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.  Most people forget energy is like a sense, it dominates our mood, our spirit, and our physical presence.  If we are tired there are gradients of fatigue that influence how snappy or defensive we come across.   Animals are highly capable of reading energy levels and often make a natural pairing with autistic children.  

Most people are familiar with circadian rhythm fatigue that brings an afternoon lag.  Those are often morning people.  Some people are aware of "sundowning" on the dementia spectrum, where erratic & nasty behaviours appear in the late afternoon or early evening.  Hardly anyone knows about "sun-rising," which is also seen within the dementia spectrum when anytime of the morning erratic & nasty come out to play.  Sun-riser people are the ones historically that everyone knew to leave them alone until they've had their first cup of coffee & cigarette of the day.  I believe those are often the night owls and shift workers that prefer evening shift.  

Children need predictable routine for meals and sleep schedules. Teenagers are a different thing again.  They are in a huge growing spurt with hormone shifts and moods.   They flip to evening or night hours easily but often require more sleep than children.  That answers the morning zombie state of many teenagers.  I think the most interesting part is that we can and do change our rhythms but we seem to have a natural setting we gravitate to. We have a natural adult weight we gravitate to so it makes sense sleep/wake cycles do too.  When we travel across time zones and need to re-acclimate on return, we do it gradually if its at all possible to avoid a sleep deprivation hangover slam.  Over a few days going to bed one hour earlier & getting up a bit earlier the next day is the kindest way to re-adjust our sleep.  Its the same for children and teenagers.  BUT sometimes I have to be The Bad Mom and let MrD get to sleep when he does, and then get him up 30 minutes earlier than the usual time, just to force the bedtime clock back into adjustment.  Yes, it means a tired morning and a crabby supper hour, but the next day isn't quite as bad a repeat since bedtime is tired and less fight.

Enter creative problem solving.  There's a schedule, and MrD does NOT want to cooperate, get up, or get on with the day.  Sigh.  Sometimes I start his day with tickling, that feeds attention and laughter which we all need. Then I give him a time limit to get up & dressed by, 5 minutes, or else he gets a splash of water tossed on him.  This is a graduation from a squirt gun which seems to have mysteriously gone missing.  I set the kitchen timer, when it beeps, he gets wet.  That helps set the action & consequence process.  I'm sure I won't win any parenting awards for it though.  It does work better than grabbing all the warm blankets and hauling them out of the room leaving him cold on the bed.  The next strategy is starting his morning earlier & earlier until he starts cooperating on his own, then I can back off a bit.  Good Morning!

Metal on metal

MrD likes to make horrible screeching noises like a 5 year old girl.  Most adults first day at the rodeo politely say, "MrD, please don't make that noise, it hurts my ears."  5 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Like metal on metal I tell ya.  "MrD, why do you do that?  Its upsetting everyone, please stop.  4 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!" Follow that  by anyone bellowing, "Stop it!"  Hopefully without any physical contact.  3 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Do not pass go, do not collect any $$.  I've tried, "Stop practicing weird!"  which minorly works, then its about 10 minutes delay before the next "Screeeeechhhh!"  Then tried,  "Ah, that's so sexy, can you do it again?"  Response, "GRRRRRR!!!!"  Bingo, I hit a nerve.  Score another one for creative problem solving!  Despite being 13 years old, MrD does not like any graphic kissing on TV, nudity, or the word "Sexy."  Mwwahh haa haa haaaaaaaaaa!  Another tool in the parent kit, what a child majorly dislikes, is often leverage against rotten behaviour.  I don't care if the noise is stimming, it's gotta go, and fast.  Another chip in the mountain of socializing a child to be a functioning human being.