The newest & greatest book in our home is such a source of conflict. In the evening it blocks out all other thinking, its full obsession love. Must. read. another. page. can't. put. book. down. We all fall prey to this occasionally so I understand completely. In the morning for school it became a full out house hunt, where's the book?!? I put it away last night knowing it would be a source of struggle in the morning. That and I really want him to finish the Percy Jackson book he's halfway through. Once he starts the new one, Percy is doomed to never be completed. I also understand ditching a book if it no longer holds interest, but he was interested & needs to be pushed to finish it for the sake of finishing it. Thats a life skill too.
Mr D wants to look up the author at school. I wrote it down on a piece of paper to refer to. No Mom, I need the book, the author has an exclusive blog that is only listed in his book. Despite assurances that this published author would have a public blog that should be easy to find with a simple online search engine, the house was rummaged. Ahhhggg! He found it, now I have to wrestle it away, threatening to rip the pages to keep it away. I was already engaged, if I lost this battle he would not do any schoolwork today, fixating entirely on this new book. So with grim resistance he concedes he didn't want the book ripped. Minutes from the impending school bus time, he goes into the backyard! He's looking for his bug carrier that is full of 50 caterpillars that he collected from the school on Friday. The bug carrier was Friday's obsession, I just didn't blog it. He had a really intelligent insight on Friday. Why can't they teach about human reproduction alongside the caterpillar life cycle instead of these boring nasty class lectures about how our bodies grow. I told him that I didn't know, but he's right, it would be more interesting. Switch back to today, I'm screaming out the back door, GET TO THE BUS! to which I get the reply, Okaaayyyy. Thankfully we do not have the previous school busdriver who was a stickler for being on time all the time or you get the warning reports. Three warning reports & you have to have a bus meeting before riding the bus privileges are reinstated. This busdriver is a little more casual about time & is not perfectly on time, whew! My poor neighbors will be glad this school year is done too. On the positive side, Mr D apologized for being so difficult & stressing me out this morning.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Score keeping?
Often we struggle the same way, day after day, week after week. Occasionally I have an idea or a friend triggers something I have learned & forgotten in my "bag of tricks" to being a mom. I have been thinking on our current particular cycle of horrible. My son's father & I have been split up since Mr D was very small. It is normal in our family for Mr D to commute in the car every other weekend at the halfway meeting point. Mr D is an excellent car traveller because of this. He's great at sleepovers too. I have always told him that no matter what he is loved. He will always come back to me, and I will always come back to him. This has immensely helped with transitions when he was small. Now that he's a big 13 year old, the rules change.
There are definitely differences in rules between Mom & Dad's homes. MrD's happy to go to Dad's house. He comes back and is usually all discombobulated. He's been allowed to stay up later, doesn't take his vitamins, different eating schedule & different foods... Its just different. He also hides his autism from his father, knowing Dad doesn't understand his need to be annoying, to do things repetitively, to have rituals. My husband & I do understand, and we put up with a lot, within reason. "Pick your Battles" is the old adage of advice that filters through.
So he comes back tired, smelly, caffeinated, and wide awake. This is no fun to wrestle with school looming the next day. I developed a new rule recently & it helps, but not on Mondays. By 8pm MrD needs to be in the tub or shower (his choice), 830pm out & drying off, snacking if needed & teeth done. This is a tall order, even with reminders to a kid with a poor sense of time. We know this & are not too ridged about the exact time, the goal is to get him to be responsible and independent for his jobs. If he's ready before 830pm he can have "Boomer time," and take the cat (Boomer) to bed to cuddle while reading. 9pm is the end of Boomer time. If he's dragging along, it cuts into his time. If he's still not ready for bed by 9pm, fines start. 25cents/5minutes until 915pm, then after 915pm it doubles to 50cents/5minutes. He's starting to see money has value so this works. He whines & complains & argues every minute of the way, but as long as he's still getting ready for bed, no big deal. A little melatonin (1.5mg) also helps on these evenings.
Monday comes, he's tired, slow to wake up, & dragging along every step of the way to get to school. He gets out the door, but its his choice to eat or not. Its his choice to get dressed or go to school in his pyjamas. Its his choice to grab his lunch, watch & key. To be fair, I do remind him some but I'm trying to back off on that. If he doesn't eat his lunch, I usually get phone calls from the school that he's being defiant somehow. After school, I figured out that I need to work him, to not allow him much "down time." I've noticed if I allow him too much down time on a Monday, he drifts along & fights me all afternoon, and all evening. So I set the timer for 15 minutes and told him to be ready to go to help me get groceries. That gets us out of the house. About 2 minutes before I was leaving I hollered, BYE! I was almost backing out the driveway before he came barreling out of the house to join me. I told him to go back & wash his hands, then lock the door. His hands were filthy & he didn't do it afterschool like I'd asked. Automatic car locks helped reinforce the point. He complied & away we went. It was a big grocery haul, he enjoyed helping pick & lift groceries, visiting the sample ladies helps too. When we got home he was great helping unload groceries, feed the dogs their supper (his job), cleaned a carpet mess, and helped haul the mega load of laundry back upstairs to the bedrooms. He's just got enough time to preview the book he paid half for, "Survive, the ultimate Edition." by Les Stroud host of Survivorman. Out the door again to TaeKwanDo, just in time.
This was sooooo much better than the usual argue, whine, yell-a-thon we usually do. Draining his energy & keeping him busy in a positive way is the key. I wish I'd figured it out sooner. I also wish schools would take a lesson from this and exercise children right at the start of the day, maybe there would be a bit less behaviour problems overall. Mr D was happy, busy, and helping, just the person he was on Friday before he had his weekend.
You will have to turn your head to view this, I still don't know how to rotate pictures in picassa to get it right to post. There's also a giant pile of "waiting to be washed" on the floor, but this was about a 7 load backlog. Hooray for young legs to haul it all back up the stairs. That counts as "helping when asked" for his weekly allowance!
“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein
There are definitely differences in rules between Mom & Dad's homes. MrD's happy to go to Dad's house. He comes back and is usually all discombobulated. He's been allowed to stay up later, doesn't take his vitamins, different eating schedule & different foods... Its just different. He also hides his autism from his father, knowing Dad doesn't understand his need to be annoying, to do things repetitively, to have rituals. My husband & I do understand, and we put up with a lot, within reason. "Pick your Battles" is the old adage of advice that filters through.
So he comes back tired, smelly, caffeinated, and wide awake. This is no fun to wrestle with school looming the next day. I developed a new rule recently & it helps, but not on Mondays. By 8pm MrD needs to be in the tub or shower (his choice), 830pm out & drying off, snacking if needed & teeth done. This is a tall order, even with reminders to a kid with a poor sense of time. We know this & are not too ridged about the exact time, the goal is to get him to be responsible and independent for his jobs. If he's ready before 830pm he can have "Boomer time," and take the cat (Boomer) to bed to cuddle while reading. 9pm is the end of Boomer time. If he's dragging along, it cuts into his time. If he's still not ready for bed by 9pm, fines start. 25cents/5minutes until 915pm, then after 915pm it doubles to 50cents/5minutes. He's starting to see money has value so this works. He whines & complains & argues every minute of the way, but as long as he's still getting ready for bed, no big deal. A little melatonin (1.5mg) also helps on these evenings.
Monday comes, he's tired, slow to wake up, & dragging along every step of the way to get to school. He gets out the door, but its his choice to eat or not. Its his choice to get dressed or go to school in his pyjamas. Its his choice to grab his lunch, watch & key. To be fair, I do remind him some but I'm trying to back off on that. If he doesn't eat his lunch, I usually get phone calls from the school that he's being defiant somehow. After school, I figured out that I need to work him, to not allow him much "down time." I've noticed if I allow him too much down time on a Monday, he drifts along & fights me all afternoon, and all evening. So I set the timer for 15 minutes and told him to be ready to go to help me get groceries. That gets us out of the house. About 2 minutes before I was leaving I hollered, BYE! I was almost backing out the driveway before he came barreling out of the house to join me. I told him to go back & wash his hands, then lock the door. His hands were filthy & he didn't do it afterschool like I'd asked. Automatic car locks helped reinforce the point. He complied & away we went. It was a big grocery haul, he enjoyed helping pick & lift groceries, visiting the sample ladies helps too. When we got home he was great helping unload groceries, feed the dogs their supper (his job), cleaned a carpet mess, and helped haul the mega load of laundry back upstairs to the bedrooms. He's just got enough time to preview the book he paid half for, "Survive, the ultimate Edition." by Les Stroud host of Survivorman. Out the door again to TaeKwanDo, just in time.
This was sooooo much better than the usual argue, whine, yell-a-thon we usually do. Draining his energy & keeping him busy in a positive way is the key. I wish I'd figured it out sooner. I also wish schools would take a lesson from this and exercise children right at the start of the day, maybe there would be a bit less behaviour problems overall. Mr D was happy, busy, and helping, just the person he was on Friday before he had his weekend.
“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein
Saturday, June 25, 2011
One day, 3 views
Mr Teacher's view:
Its grade 7, the program is sugar babies. Students must pack a round a 5lb bag of sugar for a week and journal about their responsibilities and daily routine as if the sugar sack were a baby. Some students were allowed to use a realistic baby doll that makes baby noises and similar to baby needs. Mr Teacher is lecturing the class about something or other, (my son) Mr. D gets up & is examining the babies. Mr D is somehow activating the baby dolls which entertains the class & derails the program, making the class curious about the unusual sounds. Mr Teacher is getting annoyed and asks Mr D to please sit down. As is often usual Mr D doesn't comply with the direction for unknown reasons. Mr D has been a real challenge to Mr & Mrs Teachers all year for this particular selective listening. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to sit down, to which Mr D replies with some sort of perky attitude, "Bad Phill," (Phil is Mr Teachers first name) but does not sit down. Mr Teacher is now fed up & orders Mr D to sit down, Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." Now Mr Principal has been summoned. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's stern authoritative voice. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room.
Mr D's view:
Another boring day of Gr 7. Yap yap yap, Mr Teacher talks too much. Mr D was busy examining a doll, trying to stick things in its mouth. Mr Teacher says "Mr D please go sit down." Mr. D put a magnet in the dolls mouth, which activated it to make noises. "suck suck suck, Whaaaaaa!!!" says the doll. Mr Teacher firmly said, "Mr D, you have to leave Now." Mr D didn't really hear the instruction. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to leave, to which Mr D replies with perky attitude, "Bad Phill." Mr Teacher is now fed up and orders Mr D to leave, now. Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." On later discussion this was Mr D's clever play on words, Phill~Phillip~Phillips head screwdriver. Mr Principal appears. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry & resentful of all this attention and bossy orders. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's wrath, Mr D thinks he's having an aneurism. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room. Mr D is angry, blames it all on the TV being on in the morning & rotting his brain too early in the day.
Mom's view:
My first 12hour dayshift during a week day in almost a year. My husband is off work for the day, he can run the show in the morning and get Mr D off to school. Normally we don't both work dayshift since I know that if we are both out the door before Mr D, he will very likely not get on the school bus to get to school in the morning; something to do with time perception & distractions. 10am & there's a message on my cell phone from the school to please call back. Great. I call back, get the answering machine at the school and leave a message. I phone home and my husband's cell phone to find out whats going on but he's busy & not answering. The school secretary phones me back to tell me Mr D is being unsafe, he's not following direction, its a school safety issue, I need to come pick him up. I ask what is going on but she doesn't really know. I ask to speak to my son and find out he's been disruptive somehow. He was asked to leave the classroom but was refusing. I already know that sometimes Mr D doesn't comply because he didn't hear the direction; sometimes he doesn't understand the direction; sometimes he just doesn't want to follow the direction. Also Mr D has never responded well when people give him negative attitude, he throws it back instinctively. I put on my Mom voice & read Mr D the riot act: that he knows better; that he needs to stay out of trouble at school; that he owes everyone involved an apology; that he needs to think about what he's done. I talk with Mr Vice Principal who usually deals with Mr D's antics. I let him know that I am at work and unable to come collect Mr D. Mr D can write 50 lines of " I am sorry for disrupting Mr Teacher's class & will not do it again." and 50 lines of "I will try harder to be respectful towards all staff members." The lines were to be done neatly and if Mr D refused or did a sloppy job, photocopies would be sent to his father. Ironically a few days later he doesn't remember the lines, but he clearly remembers the sequence of events. He ate his lunch at school, finished his lines & was playing Scrabble with a learning assistance teacher when my husband picked him up. I asked that there be no video games, computer or TV time. Mr D had so much energy he needed to be put to work. Mr D mowed the front & backyard; dug out some plastic yard trim; found protective eye goggles & helped break out a rock to remove from the yard; dog doodie pick up. He was kept busy helping, and he enjoyed it.
There's no backtracking or problem solving that would've fixed this school day. It seems it was doomed as a sequence of events. I find out later that my husband did break the no-TV-in-the-morning-rule. TV is too distracting, everything stops when the TV is on, just square eye goggles remain. My son was exempt from the sugar baby assignment, thankfully he was given an alternate assignment. I had visions of him poking holes & eating the sugar; dipping the sugar sack in water to make sugar syrup or deformed gory sticky sugar baby; or poking a tiny hole to make sugar trails to encourage ant infestation throughout the school... Mr D was determined to not take responsibility for his actions, he's still learning about that. Journalling all this I realize, he resented being ordered about. Resentment is a nasty contender if paired with Angry. Mr Teacher is human & prone to frustration, he expects obedience from children. If he had challenged Mr D socially, by asking him why he is so interested in a baby doll, instead of ordering compliance he may have gotten better results. If Mr Principal had asked Mr D to please come help him do something, the resistance to leave the classroom wouldn't be a conflict. The operative goal of getting him out of the classroom was the goal, appealing to Mr D's genuine desire to please and be helpful would've been a smarter approach.
Mr D is very good at reflecting attitude he is given from others. If an adult is inconsistent, insensitive, rude, or bullying in authority, the testing ensues. If an adult is really unfair, he will get angry too. Mr D's testing is intuitive, maddening, and repetitive. He needs consistency, continuity, and intelligent problem solving objective fair adults leading him. Unfortunately no one is capable of filling his needs consistently all the time. Humans are like that, and judgmental too. Mr D admits later that in the morning he was bored. Now, finally after all the examination and discussion we have a real root of the day's problem. Teachers love to go on-and-on, its their job to teach. We all forget that audiences have a saturation point. Was the school system bullying Mr D with rules saying he's being unsafe, creating a school safety issue? That depends entirely who's telling the story. Its been a full school year and we keep having these these type of events, sometimes several in a week. Mr D was sorry for getting in trouble at school that day. And so, we strive forward, this was typical of a bad day. A bonus of banning all electronics for the week is that Mr D is busy reading a novel, "The Lightening Thief" by Rick Riordan and enjoying it. As for boredom, we keep discussing that if Mr D is bored, he needs to work harder, anyone who has worked hard in a day can attest, they were not bored.
Its grade 7, the program is sugar babies. Students must pack a round a 5lb bag of sugar for a week and journal about their responsibilities and daily routine as if the sugar sack were a baby. Some students were allowed to use a realistic baby doll that makes baby noises and similar to baby needs. Mr Teacher is lecturing the class about something or other, (my son) Mr. D gets up & is examining the babies. Mr D is somehow activating the baby dolls which entertains the class & derails the program, making the class curious about the unusual sounds. Mr Teacher is getting annoyed and asks Mr D to please sit down. As is often usual Mr D doesn't comply with the direction for unknown reasons. Mr D has been a real challenge to Mr & Mrs Teachers all year for this particular selective listening. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to sit down, to which Mr D replies with some sort of perky attitude, "Bad Phill," (Phil is Mr Teachers first name) but does not sit down. Mr Teacher is now fed up & orders Mr D to sit down, Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." Now Mr Principal has been summoned. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's stern authoritative voice. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room.
Mr D's view:
Another boring day of Gr 7. Yap yap yap, Mr Teacher talks too much. Mr D was busy examining a doll, trying to stick things in its mouth. Mr Teacher says "Mr D please go sit down." Mr. D put a magnet in the dolls mouth, which activated it to make noises. "suck suck suck, Whaaaaaa!!!" says the doll. Mr Teacher firmly said, "Mr D, you have to leave Now." Mr D didn't really hear the instruction. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to leave, to which Mr D replies with perky attitude, "Bad Phill." Mr Teacher is now fed up and orders Mr D to leave, now. Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." On later discussion this was Mr D's clever play on words, Phill~Phillip~Phillips head screwdriver. Mr Principal appears. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry & resentful of all this attention and bossy orders. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's wrath, Mr D thinks he's having an aneurism. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room. Mr D is angry, blames it all on the TV being on in the morning & rotting his brain too early in the day.
Mom's view:
My first 12hour dayshift during a week day in almost a year. My husband is off work for the day, he can run the show in the morning and get Mr D off to school. Normally we don't both work dayshift since I know that if we are both out the door before Mr D, he will very likely not get on the school bus to get to school in the morning; something to do with time perception & distractions. 10am & there's a message on my cell phone from the school to please call back. Great. I call back, get the answering machine at the school and leave a message. I phone home and my husband's cell phone to find out whats going on but he's busy & not answering. The school secretary phones me back to tell me Mr D is being unsafe, he's not following direction, its a school safety issue, I need to come pick him up. I ask what is going on but she doesn't really know. I ask to speak to my son and find out he's been disruptive somehow. He was asked to leave the classroom but was refusing. I already know that sometimes Mr D doesn't comply because he didn't hear the direction; sometimes he doesn't understand the direction; sometimes he just doesn't want to follow the direction. Also Mr D has never responded well when people give him negative attitude, he throws it back instinctively. I put on my Mom voice & read Mr D the riot act: that he knows better; that he needs to stay out of trouble at school; that he owes everyone involved an apology; that he needs to think about what he's done. I talk with Mr Vice Principal who usually deals with Mr D's antics. I let him know that I am at work and unable to come collect Mr D. Mr D can write 50 lines of " I am sorry for disrupting Mr Teacher's class & will not do it again." and 50 lines of "I will try harder to be respectful towards all staff members." The lines were to be done neatly and if Mr D refused or did a sloppy job, photocopies would be sent to his father. Ironically a few days later he doesn't remember the lines, but he clearly remembers the sequence of events. He ate his lunch at school, finished his lines & was playing Scrabble with a learning assistance teacher when my husband picked him up. I asked that there be no video games, computer or TV time. Mr D had so much energy he needed to be put to work. Mr D mowed the front & backyard; dug out some plastic yard trim; found protective eye goggles & helped break out a rock to remove from the yard; dog doodie pick up. He was kept busy helping, and he enjoyed it.
There's no backtracking or problem solving that would've fixed this school day. It seems it was doomed as a sequence of events. I find out later that my husband did break the no-TV-in-the-morning-rule. TV is too distracting, everything stops when the TV is on, just square eye goggles remain. My son was exempt from the sugar baby assignment, thankfully he was given an alternate assignment. I had visions of him poking holes & eating the sugar; dipping the sugar sack in water to make sugar syrup or deformed gory sticky sugar baby; or poking a tiny hole to make sugar trails to encourage ant infestation throughout the school... Mr D was determined to not take responsibility for his actions, he's still learning about that. Journalling all this I realize, he resented being ordered about. Resentment is a nasty contender if paired with Angry. Mr Teacher is human & prone to frustration, he expects obedience from children. If he had challenged Mr D socially, by asking him why he is so interested in a baby doll, instead of ordering compliance he may have gotten better results. If Mr Principal had asked Mr D to please come help him do something, the resistance to leave the classroom wouldn't be a conflict. The operative goal of getting him out of the classroom was the goal, appealing to Mr D's genuine desire to please and be helpful would've been a smarter approach.
Mr D is very good at reflecting attitude he is given from others. If an adult is inconsistent, insensitive, rude, or bullying in authority, the testing ensues. If an adult is really unfair, he will get angry too. Mr D's testing is intuitive, maddening, and repetitive. He needs consistency, continuity, and intelligent problem solving objective fair adults leading him. Unfortunately no one is capable of filling his needs consistently all the time. Humans are like that, and judgmental too. Mr D admits later that in the morning he was bored. Now, finally after all the examination and discussion we have a real root of the day's problem. Teachers love to go on-and-on, its their job to teach. We all forget that audiences have a saturation point. Was the school system bullying Mr D with rules saying he's being unsafe, creating a school safety issue? That depends entirely who's telling the story. Its been a full school year and we keep having these these type of events, sometimes several in a week. Mr D was sorry for getting in trouble at school that day. And so, we strive forward, this was typical of a bad day. A bonus of banning all electronics for the week is that Mr D is busy reading a novel, "The Lightening Thief" by Rick Riordan and enjoying it. As for boredom, we keep discussing that if Mr D is bored, he needs to work harder, anyone who has worked hard in a day can attest, they were not bored.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Parent Power
I have been through each of the "monster moments" described in the previous post. Every parent seems to get a turn at them eventually. Wanna know the unwritten Parent Power solutions? Remember this first. Parents can't always deal with inhumane treatment in soft sweet ways. Kids don't always retain learning that way either. The old, "If you don't stop ____ right now I'm going to count to 3 then you will _be in trouble_." 1-2-3 chances to correct then consequence time doesn't work for nasty behaviour. It just gives the kid 3 more times to repeat & practice being obnoxious some more! An animal doesn't sweetly or firmly count to 3 & consequence, the offspring gets cuffed. I don't advocate for hitting children, but a well timed swat on the bum via bare hand is sometimes warranted. Sometimes kids get away with things a bit too long, enough to really stand on our last nerve. This happens personally because I'm stuck, I can't seem to figure out WHY is my son doing X, and HOW do I get him to stop it before I'm certifiably crazy. Its compounded by the fact that rotten behaviour almost always comes through when I am working lots, run down, or sick. Definitely seems to stem from the need for attention.
Attitude problem? Figure out what is the fight about. Jack won't put on his shoes. Fine. He can wear them or carry them, his choice, no other choice. If its winter outside, cold feet are unpleasant. If its summer and hot outside, hot pavement is not nice on bare feet, sock feet stand a chance until he steps on a rock or something.
Screeching noise? This is just plain bullying by the child. Sandy is purposefully stepping on Mom's last nerve & enjoying it. I asked an experienced Mom who raised her children, some grandchildren & foster children. This was a knowledgeable Mom who loved children & did her best. She said that she drank a glass of water in front of the screeching child, and as soon as that child opened her mouth to sound off, the rest of the water was thrown in the child's face. I used to blow into my son's face when he was a small screecher, but when the problem reared up again, water helped.
School trouble? Well, drastic times call for drastic measures. The smart parent thing to do is be involved in elementary programs. Get your criminal record checked at the start of each school year (its free), get your driver's abstract on file. Be a presence at school at least once a month if you can. A younger elementary school student needs more sleuthing to find out WHAT is driving the child's behaviour. Is it bullying, misunderstanding, stolen lunch, miscommunication??? An older child may just be practicing pre-teenage attitude. How do you feel about auditing elementary classes. I am prepared to do this & my son knows it. He is only getting one warning that I will spend the day at school with him. Socially it would be so "un-cool" to have Mom there every day all day. Not the attention from his friends he was after I'm sure.
Accidentally on purpose missing the bus? This one I have avoided. My son understands that if I have to drive him to school because he wasted his morning time & missed the bus, just picture this. I would drive him to school wearing my ugly red housecoat, pyjamas, and nasty slippers. If I'm particularly mad I would put my hair into a towel wrap. Once we arrive at the school I am fully prepared to escort him to the front door & give him a big hug in front of everyone. I haven't had to do it. Yet.
I'm sure psychologists & child education experts would cringe at any of these solutions. They're not exactly politically correct, and may even border on what some people would define as abuse. I think if used inhumanely, harshly, as part of power & control they are definitely abusive. Again, there are no laws against parent abuse, just child. Any behaviour correction plan could be construed as abuse if they are done in anger or cruelty. Parent power isn't about power or control, its about correcting nasty child behaviours that no one should be subjected to. If you don't have any parent friends, don't sit in your car after-school. Go stand near the doors with some of the other parents, introduce yourself, start some conversations, share a complement. Parents are all soldiers in the battle of raising children to be functional independent kind adults.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Mom Power
There are many days I struggle hard with the everyday details of raising my son. Like every parent I am trying my best to get him to the end goal, to be an independent, intelligent, kind adult. Its so easy to get bogged down in minutiae that fog the general plan. As my son gets older and struggles to pick & choose between independence and obedience we lock horns in battle routinely. How do you teach someone independence when they are constantly pushing boundaries, testing limits of patience and generally appearing willful? I have found that every time we are struggling hard, I am too close to the conflict. There are common wisdom cliché's like "you can't see the forrest for the trees," and "pick your battles." It is really good to allow the school of hard knocks to teach a few lessons. As all parents do, I am constantly fluctuating between deciding to engage in battle to call him to task, or let him suffer the consequences.
My patience runs thin regularly, I am human too. I suspect that my son would test the patience of Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and the most experienced behaviour therapists in the world. He is not manipulative, resistant, or defiant. Those are negative labels. My son is intuitive, intelligent, and seems to be learning behaviour by feel. Some people learn to park by feel, BUMP, bang, CRUNCH! Imagine pin-balling through life, navigating all the social rules, doing pretty well at it, & then BUMP, I thought I had that rule mastered already? Huh, there's another sub-rule in there, GHHAAAA!!! I will post a real example of that when it comes up later so its fresh reading.
What is Mom power or Parent Power? Mother's have been utilizing this forever, it is real time direct, tried & proven child handling strategies. Beware, these well meaning mothers are human, with thoughts, feelings and limited time energy and resources. Their strategies will probably never be found in any child rearing textbooks anywhere, but, they work. No one can take the parental abuse children hand out indefinitely, there are no laws protecting the parents or adults from obnoxious children. When my son was small once a week I would go for coffee with a few friends during precious school hours. Inevitably the conversation would turn to our kids. "Jack has really been pulling attitude lately, I tell him to put his shoes on & he says NO!, what did you do?" "I can't take it anymore, I can't go to the grocery store or take Sandy in the car anymore, the little monster has decided she likes screeching, repeatedly, for no apparent reason; I don't know what to do." "Fred has been getting into trouble at school daily now, he's almost on a first name basis with the receptionist, the principal & vice, I can't take the daily phone calls anymore." Can you feel the desperation? The isolation, the sheer willpower to pull through just the one current maddening behaviour? This is the real parenting that no one warns you about. We've all seen a kid melting down in the grocery store. Look at other people's expressions. Some are super judgmental, others give a sigh, meet that parent's eye & knowingly nod the "its not your fault, the kid's just having a monster moment."
My patience runs thin regularly, I am human too. I suspect that my son would test the patience of Ghandi, Mother Theresa, and the most experienced behaviour therapists in the world. He is not manipulative, resistant, or defiant. Those are negative labels. My son is intuitive, intelligent, and seems to be learning behaviour by feel. Some people learn to park by feel, BUMP, bang, CRUNCH! Imagine pin-balling through life, navigating all the social rules, doing pretty well at it, & then BUMP, I thought I had that rule mastered already? Huh, there's another sub-rule in there, GHHAAAA!!! I will post a real example of that when it comes up later so its fresh reading.
What is Mom power or Parent Power? Mother's have been utilizing this forever, it is real time direct, tried & proven child handling strategies. Beware, these well meaning mothers are human, with thoughts, feelings and limited time energy and resources. Their strategies will probably never be found in any child rearing textbooks anywhere, but, they work. No one can take the parental abuse children hand out indefinitely, there are no laws protecting the parents or adults from obnoxious children. When my son was small once a week I would go for coffee with a few friends during precious school hours. Inevitably the conversation would turn to our kids. "Jack has really been pulling attitude lately, I tell him to put his shoes on & he says NO!, what did you do?" "I can't take it anymore, I can't go to the grocery store or take Sandy in the car anymore, the little monster has decided she likes screeching, repeatedly, for no apparent reason; I don't know what to do." "Fred has been getting into trouble at school daily now, he's almost on a first name basis with the receptionist, the principal & vice, I can't take the daily phone calls anymore." Can you feel the desperation? The isolation, the sheer willpower to pull through just the one current maddening behaviour? This is the real parenting that no one warns you about. We've all seen a kid melting down in the grocery store. Look at other people's expressions. Some are super judgmental, others give a sigh, meet that parent's eye & knowingly nod the "its not your fault, the kid's just having a monster moment."
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Literal thinking
I love the sense of humor my son is developing. He's enjoying literal humor and sarcasm, sometimes we even enjoy it too. Digging out of overflow laundry situation means putting my workhorse huge front loading washer & drier to work. I think every family should skip the heavy duty machines & invest in proper super sized machines, they are sooooo worth it. I have to remember to check pockets carefully or it means those machines become tumblers for rocks, paper clips, super stubby pencils, candy wrappers, sticks, and all other manner of flotsam. I picked up his jacket & thought it was surprisingly heavy, better check everything. Once I started I couldn't seem to get to the end of it. On second inspection, I find a jacket AND a vest, each zipped to the other in a continuous garment! They were arranged to seem as if the vest was over the jacket because the jacket was inside out. Another one of his arrangements, smile!
After dinner in front of the TV it was my son's turn to take the dishes & load them into the dishwasher. He starts pushing the TV table to the kitchen. I asked why would he do that. His reply was to put it in the dishwasher. He was really thinking to put the TV table into the dishwasher! He was embarrassed when teased that the table won't fit once he realized his goof.
Next phase of the evening, shower time. Usual obnoxious dancing around, delaying, not on task performance. Pet the cat, read some Calvin & Hobbes, dance around some, jump & touch every door frame in his path... Bellowing erupts, to "GET YOUR ASS INTO THE SHOWER, NOW!" Naked & bouncing, he hops into the bathroom, butt first.
After dinner in front of the TV it was my son's turn to take the dishes & load them into the dishwasher. He starts pushing the TV table to the kitchen. I asked why would he do that. His reply was to put it in the dishwasher. He was really thinking to put the TV table into the dishwasher! He was embarrassed when teased that the table won't fit once he realized his goof.
Next phase of the evening, shower time. Usual obnoxious dancing around, delaying, not on task performance. Pet the cat, read some Calvin & Hobbes, dance around some, jump & touch every door frame in his path... Bellowing erupts, to "GET YOUR ASS INTO THE SHOWER, NOW!" Naked & bouncing, he hops into the bathroom, butt first.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Evidence of thinking
Every day there is interesting little findings of some sort or another in (sometimes) surprising places. Yesterday I asked my son to bring the laundry hamper downstairs. My belt was on the floor & I asked him to pick it up but not to put it into the laundry. Because I didn't specify where the belt should go, this was what I found.
I have no idea why my belt was arranged like this. Go ahead, I dare ya to open any of those drawers. The only one you would be able to access is the top one, unless you have to removed the arranged belt. I find similar arrangements, often more complicated than this one, fairly regularly. Its especially maddening when I need to be somewhere at a certain time & I find these snarls in the way. I don't know why these complicated arrangements appear. When my boy was very young it used to be a nuclear meltdown situation if I messed with one. Then as he grew older, he would just re-arrange & make it again. I've been mostly lucky that sometimes now he forgets why he's done this & if the arrangement vanishes its not a big deal. Mostly now I laugh when I find these arrangements, because they are evidence of my son's imaginative thinking.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Face
I'm liking the interpretation room of face reading between species. Most people are familiar with cats & their moods. Boomer has such an expressive face & doesn't mind his photo taken.
So what is his mood?
A cat posed like this looks tired, lazy even. His face sort-of reflects it too. A picture can't show the subtle tail flick & deep sigh. Is he bored? restless? tired? Is he ready to pull his specialty cat hypnotism to make anyone looking at him think, "you are getting sleepy, vvverrrryyyy sssleeeeepyyyyy..."
Or is he saying, "What? Just bug off, I'm thinking & planning, what do you want?" Tired & reflective kinda look the same on people too. We identify moods in our house like they are stage characters. Tired usually appears with Hungry & Thirsty. Mad is often arm & arm with Frustrated and Sad. Happy is great friends with Silly and Satisfied. Thinking this way has really helped to break down what moods are. Sometimes we discuss moods by breaking down the sequence, "backtracking" or "back-chaining" as some literature & professionals call it. When problem solving we often have to look backwards & sleuth out the sequence of events that got us in trouble. Thats not easy to do if you are not easily aware of your thoughts & emotions.
There are people in the world that can read your emotions faster than anyone can interpret them. Chances are those are the same people that frustrate the last very last nerve out of you. The trick is understanding WHY am I so ticked off. If people (adults) are not responsible for their own emotions, its not fair to expect others (children) to be responsible for riling them either. Teaching responsibility includes being responsible for our own feelings and actions.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Life is in the details
If my son's eagle eye hadn't spotted it & he wasn't about to pick it up, would you have spotted the agget? This is spring gravel from winter icy road sand, waiting for the sweeper machine to collect it. He spotted this one in about a minute. He has trained his eye to look for the different light reflecting in the sunshine.
I love details, yet at times they drive me crazy. An interesting piece of artwork has slightly skewed & usually not quite perfect details. This forces the eye to keep coming back & studying it in a pleasing way, looking for pattern or sense or simply a relating point. As the viewer it is my choice to accept or reject what I see, or to just interpret what suits me. We learn to do this by experience.
I find its strange how people can be so judgmental about obsessions/passions. An obsession owns you, but you own your passion. People are interested in all sorts of things all over the world, this should be celebrated. Interests make people interesting, it doesn't matter if they collect shoes, stamps, antique tools, or movie trivia. What we like changes throughout our lives. The best question to ask a teenage person is not "what are you going to do when you graduate grade 12?" but "What do you really like to do?" Its a good question among new acquaintances too.
This is a whole spring of my son's rock collecting. He automatically does this, he loves it. The thrill of the hunt, the pride of the find, it makes him happy. I am happy he has learned to direct his focus & energy this way. The challenge is getting him to understand this focus has to be applied to many things, pleasant & unpleasant.
He collected this jar with repetition; learning & relearning is often the same way.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
One step forward
Today was a beautiful sunny day. My son had a happy weekend morning ignoring cartoons in favor of Nintendo DS in his jammies & blanket nest in the living room. He ate brunch in a reasonable amount of time, got dressed when he was asked to. The difference is there was no timeline to pressure him. He had the option to go out for a co-ride on the back of a motorcycle or help me dig out the front yard. He chose to stay home & help dig, he loves to dig. It got too hot mid-day to dig so that was postponed. He went into the backyard & was inspecting the well overgrown lawn & yard. He took it upon himself to dig out the push mower & started mowing down that grass. Without my asking him to. I'm still reeling from the sequences of gifts from my son today. No arguing. No whining. He saw a problem he could fix, and he went at it. If I could do cartwheels, I would!
After about 5 minutes I asked him to let me put some sun lotion on him, which he narrowly allowed. Skin cancer is a serious thing & worthy of prevention. I sweetened the effort by telling him how proud I am he chose to do this job himself, without my asking. When the job was done I would pay him $10, which is very pleasing to a kid. He allowed me to get him his hat to keep the sun off & he wore it. Every 5-10 minutes or so he would stop & need a drink of water or iced tea. Or he would stop & investigate something or arrange something in the yard. He found a dead mouse that our old dog killed. He called out & told me about it, but didn't touch it. He scooped it up with the dog doodie scooper & asked me to get a bag so I could put it directly into the garbage can, which I did. About 40 minutes into this yard project, he started getting frustrated, the job is only half done. Some sunlotion had melted into his eye with sweat. He was frustrated with his hair being in his eyes & wanted to chop a bunch of it away himself. He whined and sniveled about his hair being too long & why did I make him wear the stupid sunlotion. To the point that if I make him wear sunlotion again he would like to chop off his head. Now we're talkin', here comes the extreme language, a proper meltdown was imminent. I suggested to stop rubbing his eye with his sweaty shirt since that will not help. I suggested to go wash his hands & face & try a damp cool washcloth, which he did eventually. Much milling through the house ensued, sans shirt, eye rubbing in progress via tissue. I suggested a tissue may have powder lint that may not help as well as a damp washcloth.
Once the eye was rinsed with saline the meltdown averted briefly, until annoyance with his hair resumed. I said to leave it, & we can jump in the car & go get it cut properly so no one will make fun of any self barbering later at school. He struggled with this, he really dearly wanted to chop it away himself. Finally we got out of the house to the barber. Where we waited for an hour & I had to keep reminding to leave the eye alone, amidst his squirming, & fidgeting. Home again, a cold drink, & the mowing resumes, YIPEEE!!! Considering the push mower isn't exactly easy to use, its warm out, and the lawn looks choppy now. I have to go & check & praise his progress every 10-15 minutes at his request, but its done. Another cold drink, & he's raking, on his own, without request or prompting. I'm not sure if this is my son, he looks, sounds and smells like him. Okay, the rake he picked isn't working & he's getting frustrated again. I told him to hold on, I think there's a better rake, to let me get it for him. He finished the raking, stuffed the rakings into a garbage pail, then stuffed them into the compost bin. He's hopping inside the garbage pail stuffed in the composter to pack it down! I let it ride. We later patiently explained that squashing the contents of a composter means it won't decompose & it will have to be dug out again. My son took it well, with a simple, "oh" response.
This could've been a complete nuclear event, with a smashed rake & mowed un-identifiable dog toys all over the lawn. I was nearby, but not interfering. Its almost like there's an invisible bungee cord between us. When I am feeling well, and he is having success with an idea, it is a wonderful thing. My son is happiest outside so I was fairly certain this would be a success. We don't have a whole lot of stellar days, but this counts! The happiness held on right through bedtime & on into the next morning. A bright light in our home, I am thankful.
After about 5 minutes I asked him to let me put some sun lotion on him, which he narrowly allowed. Skin cancer is a serious thing & worthy of prevention. I sweetened the effort by telling him how proud I am he chose to do this job himself, without my asking. When the job was done I would pay him $10, which is very pleasing to a kid. He allowed me to get him his hat to keep the sun off & he wore it. Every 5-10 minutes or so he would stop & need a drink of water or iced tea. Or he would stop & investigate something or arrange something in the yard. He found a dead mouse that our old dog killed. He called out & told me about it, but didn't touch it. He scooped it up with the dog doodie scooper & asked me to get a bag so I could put it directly into the garbage can, which I did. About 40 minutes into this yard project, he started getting frustrated, the job is only half done. Some sunlotion had melted into his eye with sweat. He was frustrated with his hair being in his eyes & wanted to chop a bunch of it away himself. He whined and sniveled about his hair being too long & why did I make him wear the stupid sunlotion. To the point that if I make him wear sunlotion again he would like to chop off his head. Now we're talkin', here comes the extreme language, a proper meltdown was imminent. I suggested to stop rubbing his eye with his sweaty shirt since that will not help. I suggested to go wash his hands & face & try a damp cool washcloth, which he did eventually. Much milling through the house ensued, sans shirt, eye rubbing in progress via tissue. I suggested a tissue may have powder lint that may not help as well as a damp washcloth.
Once the eye was rinsed with saline the meltdown averted briefly, until annoyance with his hair resumed. I said to leave it, & we can jump in the car & go get it cut properly so no one will make fun of any self barbering later at school. He struggled with this, he really dearly wanted to chop it away himself. Finally we got out of the house to the barber. Where we waited for an hour & I had to keep reminding to leave the eye alone, amidst his squirming, & fidgeting. Home again, a cold drink, & the mowing resumes, YIPEEE!!! Considering the push mower isn't exactly easy to use, its warm out, and the lawn looks choppy now. I have to go & check & praise his progress every 10-15 minutes at his request, but its done. Another cold drink, & he's raking, on his own, without request or prompting. I'm not sure if this is my son, he looks, sounds and smells like him. Okay, the rake he picked isn't working & he's getting frustrated again. I told him to hold on, I think there's a better rake, to let me get it for him. He finished the raking, stuffed the rakings into a garbage pail, then stuffed them into the compost bin. He's hopping inside the garbage pail stuffed in the composter to pack it down! I let it ride. We later patiently explained that squashing the contents of a composter means it won't decompose & it will have to be dug out again. My son took it well, with a simple, "oh" response.
This could've been a complete nuclear event, with a smashed rake & mowed un-identifiable dog toys all over the lawn. I was nearby, but not interfering. Its almost like there's an invisible bungee cord between us. When I am feeling well, and he is having success with an idea, it is a wonderful thing. My son is happiest outside so I was fairly certain this would be a success. We don't have a whole lot of stellar days, but this counts! The happiness held on right through bedtime & on into the next morning. A bright light in our home, I am thankful.
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