Consequences..

Gotta love that adult sounding word, consequences.  It sounds so official, judgy almost.  Or that is how it is often used in parenting by parents discussing it with other parents.  I certainly haven't enjoyed the connotations that go with it.  Opinions are like anuses, everyone has one!  I digress.  I've been at managing consequences for 16 years now.  I've been told by many well meaning (and some meddling) people in my life that I am not firm enough; not strict enough; not consistent enough when dealing with MrD, so that is why he acts out.  Sure, I'm human, I can't be perfect.  The big BUT in the room is, I am the parent in charge of MrD, it is my choice how I do or do not react or respond to MrD's behaviours or actions.  I have done all the modifications I can to the best of my ability to give my son the best chance of success.  I set a routine; I delegate chores; I monitor his internal & external environments (food, sleep, stimulation, bullying, boredom, stress...).  And I dish out consequences.

I have done chore charts, prize charts, counting 1-2-3, praise, silence, arguing, bribing, with-holding privileges, spanking, corner sitting, timeouts, copying dictionary pages, extra chores...  You name it, I have probably tried it.  They all work, briefly, until they get burnt out.  Complacence sets in and here comes the inevitable human factor, inconsistency.  I'm a Mom, not a warden.  I choose not to have my son live in fear of me.  Don't forget the wildcard that MrD is a teenager on the Autism spectrum.

Now he's sixteen and not interested in a drivers license or dating.  He is interested in gaming Xbox style.  There's my "carrot in front of the horse" motivator.  We had the Nintendo DS portable hand game system for many years, with rules attached to usage.  The rules were built on & refined as we encountered problems.  The kicker is that video games are very addictive.  I have allowed some marathon gaming sessions to let it burn itself out.  And then we talk about the anxiety driven "gotta gotta gotta play, must play NOW" sensation the games drive.  And we talk about how anxiety and addictions can drive unhealthy thinking.  Specifically, if we don't choose to control and direct our thinking patterns, our choices will not be in our control.  That's where learning to limit set is so crucial.  A marathon gaming session is fun.  So is playing games on Facebook all afternoon (or night).  The trick is to be aware of how our time is passing, so that the choices are not all consuming.  This is so crucial to keeping impulse-ivity in check.  Like online shopping, gambling, gaming, chat rooms, TV marathons...  We all need to veg out and to enjoy our down time.  Rest and relaxation do not have to be productive to be restful.  I fell like I am rambling now.

My newest "consequence" is really quite brilliant.  I used to say for every 5 minutes overtime on gaming, the reduced game time next round would double.  It has to "sting" a bit you see, and to an elementary child learning math, they get it faster that way.  Compound interest is not just for adults!  Then I up the ante that if it is 15 minutes overtime chores of my choice-not his would be added in for each 5 minutes over.  Cue the arguing, whining, wheedling, banging, thumping, yelling and tantrums.  "But that's not fair!"  Now the game changes into how much protest can MrD generate to punish me for daring to be an adult.  How much can he dish out to me to make me as miserable as he thinks he is for being slighted so unfairly.  How dare I tell him what to do!  How dare I be a responsible parent!  Now who's unfair to who with this railing moaning LOUD tantrum cycling up & down repeatedly for up to 2 hours.  Those dramatic tantrums happen for other things too, so they've been seen before.  Its a matter of weathering the storm and waiting for the energy of it to drain out.  Then tears & a hug and a short talk since it was complete over-stimulation from the prolonged game time and my anxiety compounding nagging to get off the game.  There you have a classic emotional sh!tstorm.  I defy any "well-meaning-but-meddling-judgmental-advice-giving-adult" to be able to handle that without some mistakes. 

One of the newest (Xbox) game time rules we have is this: "before game time starts, it must be agreed on between us specifically when the end time will be."  If the end time is not honored, then consequences will be had.  I am trying not to nag anymore.  I realized tonight, sitting quietly nearby waiting for the game time limit to expire and the excuses for why he can't stop the game just yet.  My cell phone doesn't lie about time, I can quietly look at Pintrest and remind him every 2 minutes he is overtime.  Now, for every minute overtime, I can "fine" him a chore.  He has far more energy & strength than I do, I may as well put it to work for me.  He owes me 8 chores now. 

Changes

MrD is now 15 years old. He is a big brother to a new baby in our home.  He is dabbling between the worlds of young teenager & physical adulthood.  We appreciate it is a tough place to be.  He remembers how it feels to be bullied, yet he enjoys dabbling in it himself at times.  This week has been tougher.  Spring is coming, but not quite flourished.  He is dabbling in interpersonal warfare.  Verbal banter/sparring is our latest vexation, coupled with negative attitude and ticks.  Relentless grunting and armpit fart noises are his normal.  Thankfully the forced air between his lips bellowing-like-an-elephant noise has subsided.  Ticks seem to relieve built up tension and drive us crazy, so no real reason for him to stop or control them, right?  The solution eludes us.  I am tortured with the usual mothering worries in between exhaustion:  Is he eating enough?  Is he getting enough nourishment?  Is he getting enough sleep?  Is he fatigued enough from daily exercise?  Is he getting enough love and attention?  How much is enough?

He messed with a girl on Monday, "set her off" so to speak.  She wasn't innocent either, blasting him that he has no friends & no-one likes him.  Who knows what MrD was doing to help stimulate her verbal blast.  Last year she blasted him for sitting in "her" chair.  Like it has her name on it (it doesn't).  He purposefully sat in her usual spot.  She ordered him to get out of her chair.  He replied, "woof"  which was taken as calling her a dog (bitch), which he did indeed mean to imply.  MrD does not swear, but he dances around it cleverly.  We talk about these events, thankfully he will give me the pieces & eventually I get to the bottom of the story.  I suspect she may have been blasting him this round because of his relentless armpit fart noises, but MrD wouldn't tell me.  Tuesday we talked about ways to get better communication.  Like if she is talking like that, he could tell her not to talk down to him.  He could go with the classic hands over ears lalalalalalalala to draw attention to her behaviour if an adult is near.  He told me on Wednesday he held out his hand & said, "truce" and she accepted.  I told him that was a great choice & I'm glad he thought of it.  Wednesday he waved his (stinky) shoe into another boy's face.  Sigh.  When asked why, he said he didn't know.  When pressed that he must know why, he admitted he just felt like it, it was funny.  I reminded him that the school does have an anti-bullying policy & it can & will be used against him if he keeps it up.  He said it was, he got detention.  I have asked at the school that the detention be altered to time with the counselor but agreed that he did earn himself a consequence.

My goal this year is to continue to use this blog as an unloading & thoughtful zone for positive & negative events.  There is a lot of positive forces in MrD's life which I am thankful.  He is still progressing in Taekwan-do & is over the half way to getting his black belt.  He is passing his courses for grade 9.  He is doing well at Sylvans & almost at grade level.  An adult male friend has expressed interest in a platonic friendship of sorts.  MrD can help with odd jobs and our friend can help model communication & problem solving while gently guiding better choices.  Like a big brother, with the flavour of Behaviour Interventionist.  I have had it as a goal for a few years to get a BI for MrD, but it just hasn't been panning out, at all.  I am grateful that we have a gentle compromise in that direction now.  When it is tough, I white knuckle it.  When it is nice, I just have to remind myself to enjoy it, not to take it for granted since those are such precious short time spans.

feet?

creeping feet

MrD has been growing, fast.  I noticed among the grade 7 boys, the taller ones did something unusual with their feet.  They would reach out with their foot to touch something or someone, almost affectionately, for lack of a better word.  When I think of it, its creepy, who wants someone else's nasty creeping feet touching them?  It seems to be some indirect way of making contact, or possibly just bugging.  I've been noticing that MrD has less of a need to "hang" from monkey bars and goal posts.  That's possibly because its winter, and grade 8 highschool does not have playgrounds like the elementary schools do.  Now he's all about stretching, really stretching, complete with pathetic drawn out horrible noises.  If he's not stretching, he's flopped out upside down on the recliner or sitting on his bean-bag chair intently touching the blinds or walls.

Another fun observation lately is the obvious.  If I ask MrD to go get something familiar on the counter among 6-15 other items, it can be right under his nose & he can't find it.  Strange but true.  A conversation with another Mom who's son is all grown up mentioned pointing.  Its common to point at something in the distance as a conversation reference.  Something in the spacial cue and vagueness makes it impossible to pinpoint what is being pointed at, therefore, meltdown is imminent.  Reflecting on this conversation I recalled a similar event.  Driving MrD downtown, I noticed up along the upper skyline was a blinking orange light moving along the hill.  It was likely snow removal equipment or a tow truck.  I asked MrD if he saw it and he did not.  He proceeded to get very upset by something that was directly ahead in both our line of vision. He really & truely could not see it and demanded repeatedly where is it, to show him, louder and louder.  I know his vision is excellent by how he brags of playing "punch-buggy" with his bioDad and frustrating because he wins a lot more points.  It's just interesting observations for a child who is so detail oriented to miss something right in front of him.

Another day, day by day, every day

When MrD was small he was very tiring.  Every day was like the movie “Groundhogs Day” with Bill Murray.  It took forever for him to integrate basic every day things.  I understood then that that is how a child learns, with repetition, familiarity, and deviations from the expected.  It makes sense that every day is a clean slate to repeat pretty much everything.  From the endless toys and messes, to the repetitive noises, tantrums, trials & tribulations of potty training, basic manners…  That didn’t change the sheer exhaustion I felt from having to wield patience like a shield.  I’m human, at times I just wanted to scream or shake him to “C’mon, get on with it already!!!”  I didn’t, I couldn’t treat this precious little soul to such cruelty.  His bio-Dad is another story. I’ve mentioned about sharing MrD’s time with his father, there’s an old legal document in place and scheduled time reflects that bio-Dad has the right to spend time with his son.  There is a complex background story in play and very good reasons why we split up.  I will try not to get into details that would slag MrD’s father as that would be disrespectful to MrD as well. 

The short version is that I could not raise MrD in that environment based on how bio-Dad was treating me.  Bio-Dad is not perfect, and neither am I.  My fear ever since we split has been that MrD will absorb his father’s communication strategies and possibly suffer because of them.  Now that MrD is a full blown teenager, some of bio-Dad’s less stellar qualities are filtering through.   Before we split, bio-Dad would have flare temper episodes, often because he couldn’t seem to have his way.  As long as there was agreement, then I could do as I pleased & just not tell him.  Not exactly couple healthy, but when in an unbalanced environment, I was striving to survive.  Bio-Dad would get into a rage at me for being so exhausted that I wasn’t doing anything at home other than the minimum of looking after our son, the minimum of my own self care and a daily walk with our son.  That meant the dishes, vacuuming, laundry, and general cleaning would back up.  Those are pretty normal things to leave when a new Mom doesn’t have any help.  When I got some energy built up, instead of resting, I would dig out the biggest messes.  Of course, that would deplete my energy stores so I would be into zombie mode the rest of the time.  Most people know or are familiar with zombie mode, it’s a slow autopilot that looks like depression.  I very likely was in post-partum depression but was too exhausted to deal with it.  Bio-Dad would flare into rages at me with ruthless name calling and try to push me around.  When the storm cleared, he would sometimes apologize.  At one point he admitted he was trying to shake me awake because he couldn’t stand seeing me being so useless.  He grew up where both his parents worked, a lot, and he never saw his parents in any prolonged health crisis state.  He had no concept that I am not the same as them, that I am my own person.  When someone is in a wheelchair, it is unfathomable to yank the chair out from under them and scream at them to get up & walk & stop being so lazy.  It wouldn’t occur to him to rip away someone’s cane, or to kick crutches away from one with a broken leg.  Post-partum depression is invisible; the person more or less looks fine to an average observer.  Autism is mostly invisible too.

When I think back on these moments, all I can think is that each stage was preparing me for the next.  Being pregnant prepares the mother for frequent bathroom trips, broken sleep, and chronic fatigue that a brand new baby brings.  Screaming colic episodes prepare for the endurance needed to white knuckle through really tough situations.  Repetitive days of a toddler prepare for the breaks in memory that an autistic teenager is surprised with, every day skills that are necessary for independent living.  Planning a daily outing with a small child after all physical needs are met builds a feeling of happiness and familiarity to everyday experiences that life isn’t scary or overwhelming.  Bio-Dad taught me that I don’t have to go by others rules, I need to run my life by my rules, my way while allowing respect and wiggle room for another’s perspective.  If Bio-Dad freaked out on me for being in zombie-mode, MrD has been treating me to similar cries for attention when I am depleted.  This has been the blessing of blogging, allowing me reflection and growth as a Mom and a person.  This is a really good reminder to myself to set the expectation that I will be respected and treated with care when I am occasionally unwell from sleep deprivation or illness.  Every day I am thankful for the love and care of my family & friends for helping me to pull through. 

Setting expectations

I think one of the most important aspects of raising a child with Auspergers autism is expectations.  Specifically, being aware of my expectations and being prepared to revise them.  I get bogged down with the everyday trivial crap, the backtalk, tantrums, delaying, dawdling etc etc.  I have every expectation that MrD will be able to drive a car, to graduate high school, to have a meaningful job or career, and to have an independent life.  He is smart and capable and once in awhile I get these blessed reminders.  I just finished a school Integrated Education Plan (IEP) meeting, and there is success being reflected there.  His behaviours are much less frequent and less disruptive than the elementary school reported to the high school.  He’s passing all his classes.  He’s still bouncing around socially, trying to fit in. 

I am so glad to be past the elementary school system.  Children are treated in such a disciplined and narrow way where there is no room to determine independent learning or growth other than as an adult professional tells you.  Educators are limited in the scope of what they can accomplish, but they forget they have training and a toolkit of skills that they don’t always use.  I am only one parent, I influence the home environment.  It drives me crazy to be the one reminding the professionals that THEY are the adults, THEY are the ones that should be able to handle what flies every day.  How is it that a child can do this so routinely, so regularly, and yet be a surprise each and every time.  In a way, is he smarter than the professionals and enjoying running circles around them?  It is no different that when your dog runs away, and then does running fly-bys, enough to collect the food you are offering or a pat & then run away again.  Who is running the show there?  Other students are learning by MrD.  He giggles about the English teacher teaching about how to properly use a colon.  Every time she says the word colon, he giggles.  Soon enough classmates are also giggling too.  Disrespectful?  Yes.  Funny?  Darn tootin’ yes!  He has learned that humor is universal social situation butter, and he figured it out all on his own.  He has dabbled in multiple social experiments of misbehavior over the years.  I think it is amazing that he has graduated to humor.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand the same joke every day isn’t funny.  Neither is repeating the same slap-stick physical joke is only a one hit wonder.  Maybe he will be the next Jim Carey?  

Tattletale-tattletale

MrD has a knack for turning almost every adult he encounters into a tattle-tale at some point or another.  Its frustrating, and occasionally amusing.  I learned in MrD's elementary days from a wise experienced teacher the sweet definitions.  A "tattletale" is someone who tells on another to get them into trouble and maybe make them-self look good too.  "Telling" is communicating because they don't know what to do but want to help the other person learn & not make the mistake anymore.  Its dumbfounding how many people forget this distinction!

So I get these stinking phone calls, usually when I've worked a night shift & need my sleep, or I'm working & can't leave the site, or I'm sick & dearly needing to rest.  "MrD did this", "MrD did that" says a teacher, a teachers-assistant, a vice principal, a counsellor, a principal...  So then I hear them out: he wouldn't do his work; he wouldn't sit down when told for the x'th time; he won't stop making annoying  noises; he won't climb out from under the desk; he won't stop fidgeting with paperclip/eraser/ruler/pen/pencil/mechanical pencil...; he had a tantrum & tipped over a desk (only happened once); he won't come down from the goal post.

Its okay to laugh now, we sometimes do after it passes.  Inevitably when we do the "back-chaining," "sleuthing," or "following the chain of events," (all the same don't you think?) an adult has been inconsistent or unfair.  Or a classmate has set him up, he took the fall, no one saw the starting sequence, so the overt/subvert bullying keeps happening.  Grrrrrrrrr!  So we talk through the Integrated Education Plan ( IEP ) and I remind said tattletale to send MrD to the counsellor, the IEP teacher, the office.  He's been going to the office for things since grade 3, it has no bite, its not scary.  Going to the office means giving him a chance to take his mood out of the classroom & hopefully an experienced "professional" adult will communicate with him and get to the bottom of it.

Despite firmly reminding MrD that I'm sleeping today, to stay out of trouble, to not make the phone ring, I got a call from the vice principal.  He's been sent to the office multiple times last week & again today.  Sigh.  I make a point of calling each & every school professional by their first name to level the playing field.  I don' t lord my title over them unless they are being patronizing & inattentive.   Of course I've had 4 broken hours of sleep and now have to deal with this.  I listened patiently, then set in with quizzing what happened, where, when, who, what was done, has he spoken with the 2 professionals that are well versed in his communication style which is outlined in the IEP...  A kid last week has been bragging about masturbating during class & putting his thumb up his own rectum.  This disgusts MrD to no end, who wouldn't be disgusted by this?  Now all it takes is said kid to gesture to repulse MrD and derail his classroom experience.  After talking with MrVP I ask to talk with MrD.  I ask him bluntly & almost sternly what happened, what was done, when, why.  He diverts around with some excuses now, he missed the morning break & didn't get a snack; his knee hurts and the ibuprofen isn't working anymore (not quite true since I've observed it works well for up to 6 hours with him); masturbator kid upset him, BINGO.  I tell MrD that to him, that kid does not exist, he's invisible, to ignore him.  I ask to talk with MrVP again.  MrVP was writing down all MrD's responses.  I reminded MrVP that the masturbator kid  is bullying, and even though no one saw it (how convenient) kids know how to do things when adults aren't watching.  So I advised that he needs to get to the bottom of the now overt bullying going on.  MrD does not have any siblings to train him in the realities of "the set-up and the fall" game that most people are well versed in.  Even though this is grade 8 high-school, it still feels like the adults are doing the bullying at times like this.

Xrays

Good news, MrD does not have Osgood-Schlatter Disease (Knee Pain)  according to the xrays everything is normal.  Bad news is, what is it?  So we wait, we limp, he misses out on gym class, and Taekwando, and gets more & more pent up.  I have been challenging him with lots of tutoring.  He also has to do a minimum 30 minutes a day of typing tutor before he gets any computer time.  He's really resistant to the typing tutor, so I have to stand my ground & mention there will be no video games until the TT time is done.  I set the expectation, stood my ground, and he's up to 10 words/minute.  Score one for Mom!  I figure if he needs to rest, his brain needs to be kept active.  In 4 weeks we revisit the doctor & see what happens next.  Fingers crossed this goes away soon, this boy needs to be kept busy!

This is a Dr Dreadful (gross) candy making kit.

This candy making set has nothing to do with tattle tales.  It's great for encouraging a bath for relaxing & soaking with a sore knee.  It is a great bathtub play set, just be sure to get rid of 50% of the candy before handing it to a child, unless you like peeling children off the ceiling!

And then the dog died

Here's our old dogs, Barney in the foreground, Ginger in the background wearing her winter sweater.  This is a picture from their younger years.  We know that animals help teach so very much, especially to children.  We all receive birthdays,  with that comes an unspoken knowledge of a "death day," some day.  Barney was 16 and getting quite senile with cataracts, hearing loss and even seemed to be losing his nose sense.  Barney was found as a pup, tied to a tree in a ravine, abandoned.  The neighborhood and SPCA were canvassed and no one claimed him so my (not yet) husband kept him.  Ginger has been a good friend to him being his eyes & ears assistance these last few years.  I got Ginger from the SPCA when she was about 2 years old.  MrD was about 2 years old at the time, he has grown up knowing these dogs friendship and oddities.  I have encouraged MrD to think of pets as people too, I believe the alternate that they are objects would be teaching possibly sociopath tendencies.  Everyone knows pets have their own special personalities, positive & negative.  With pets comes responsibilities, MrD learned to give them cookies in the morning, supper every day, water and defertilizinig the yard duties.  He had a ritual for awhile of giving them "special suppers" which became more and more complicated and lengthy.  Once we realized it was becoming more obsessive than practical, discussions and subtle changes in the routine enabled breaking the obsessive component.

The day Barney passed was not typical.  My husband had to go out, MrD was asked to let me rest to have a bit of a sleep in.  I heard the dog yelping but I knew they were up & didn't get up immediately, figuring they could handle it.  A short time later MrD came to me in tears, "Barney died."  My brave fellow watched the whole short event by himself and didn't call for me.  No one made him, but he knew it was important to be there & not leave the dog alone.  He told me that Barney seemed a bit scared so he made sure to stay right there & pet him & tell him he's okay.  I told him that he did the right thing, and that this was a special thing that Barney maybe wanted him there.  That poor old dog suffered anxiety and hated being alone for his whole life.

MrD understands that everyone has a death date since we've lost a cat and then my Dad in the last few years.  He has interprets death in his own way, that we go to heaven, to be the essence of life & love and that the spirit lives on, especially in our memory.  Everyone was lost for the day but it was most important that we be kind to each other and not spend the whole day moping.  Over lunch MrD & I talked about anxiety and grief, how similar they can be creeping in.  I told him I think of it like a wave.  If I stop and stare at it too long, it freezes, and I'm left staring at it and don't know what to do with it.  If I take a deep breath I can let it roll over me, through me, and let it pass as its meant to its not as bad.  MrD said for him its more like a wall.  I asked him what he meant.  He said that its like driving through town and hitting the pulp-mill wall of stench.  One moment the air is fine, then next moment its tortuous.  He said that there is no point stopping then and being stuck in that stench, that it is more important to keep going to get through it and away from it.  Nothing like a small town northern Canadian to have a perspective like that!

And then we learn again from our animals, routines change, we miss our friend and the day marches on.  Animals miss their lost friends, but they accept it and move on.  I think they are smarter than humans for this, they don't let it dominate them indefinitely.  Death doesn't define us, life does.  I have seen that the longer we fixate on hard feelings, the longer they change our brain chemistry to stay that way.  Depression, anxiety, fear, paranoia, even pain all grow this way because of the extra time thinking about them in our neural pathways.  Our memories are built of repetition and learning and it makes sense that mental health can grow or recede by our own will.  That's when we need the strength and support of our families & friends most.

Another day, another tantrum

 Hoarfrost looks almost dangerous, yet is incredibly fragile and temporary.  I don't believe Hell to always be hot, sometimes it is ever so bone-chillingly cold.  

Yesterday was tough.  Its always worst when I'm not feeling well, regardless of illness, shift-work or general overwhelming fatigue days.  I realize MrD is competing for attention, I know at 13 he still needs attention.  I have always tried to encourage him to amuse himself.  At times he just can't, currently its most awful when he's competing for "who feels worst" title.  That pisses me off.  I realize it is part of his self centric self and that he will always be young for his age.  That doesn't change the fact that he has no right to kick me when I'm down, or anyone for that matter.  He has a sore knee, which we will address at an upcoming doctor appointment.  He's been complaining of it for awhile now, but I have been allowing common sense to watch & wait to see if it settles down or gets worse.  I understand that pain is pain, and it is what the person says it is.  Pain also reduces his coping.  I struggle with the reality that at times its better & worse, and sometimes becomes an excuse to not do things he didn't want to do anyways.  Yet, in the midst of yet another tantrum, because he can't have his own way (computer time), he chose to hit his sore knee.  Somehow, he was trying to emphasize he is hurting more.  Immature coping, paired with Auspergers logic, how the hell do I figure this out?  Thankfully my husband took MrD for a drive, he saw MrD railing for attention I did not have to give, and that MrD had no right to be demanding in such a vicious way.  I had a chance to read this long article, Why French parents are superior.  I realize it is a commentary of social differences.  The gem was that children need to be taught patience, to wait, and to accept it.  That's a very real life skill.  I have worked for 13 years to teach this, but I still have to remind myself that MrD is a work in progress.  The proof is that MrD can do so many things independently already.  He can walk to & from school, safely ride his bicycle, use the telephone, electronics, washer/drier, dishwasher, feed the pets...  He just can't always cope as expected, that is why Auspergers autism is often known as an invisible disorder.  Every day we have another example of why adults have to adapt their thinking to the problem at hand of how to get forward movement out of this child.  He came home tearful and apologetic because he almost got himself an early ride all the way to his Dad's home.  Thankfully my husband realized my son was playing in bullying and manipulations, not just unmet needs of attention.  I suppose those are signs of MrD's advancing thinking modes, certainly not modes that we will ever encourage.

Sense of senses

Our internal environments are controlled by our senses.  Autism children seem to read their senses more acutely and more intuitively, but have difficulty communicating it.  Parents are the #1 authority on their autistic child's behavior and mood.  Yet we take a backseat to other people's opinions or get shoe-horned into a label of "overprotective parent." (negative labeling with judgmental overtones anyone?!?)  We all know of 5 senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.  Most people forget energy is like a sense, it dominates our mood, our spirit, and our physical presence.  If we are tired there are gradients of fatigue that influence how snappy or defensive we come across.   Animals are highly capable of reading energy levels and often make a natural pairing with autistic children.  

Most people are familiar with circadian rhythm fatigue that brings an afternoon lag.  Those are often morning people.  Some people are aware of "sundowning" on the dementia spectrum, where erratic & nasty behaviours appear in the late afternoon or early evening.  Hardly anyone knows about "sun-rising," which is also seen within the dementia spectrum when anytime of the morning erratic & nasty come out to play.  Sun-riser people are the ones historically that everyone knew to leave them alone until they've had their first cup of coffee & cigarette of the day.  I believe those are often the night owls and shift workers that prefer evening shift.  

Children need predictable routine for meals and sleep schedules. Teenagers are a different thing again.  They are in a huge growing spurt with hormone shifts and moods.   They flip to evening or night hours easily but often require more sleep than children.  That answers the morning zombie state of many teenagers.  I think the most interesting part is that we can and do change our rhythms but we seem to have a natural setting we gravitate to. We have a natural adult weight we gravitate to so it makes sense sleep/wake cycles do too.  When we travel across time zones and need to re-acclimate on return, we do it gradually if its at all possible to avoid a sleep deprivation hangover slam.  Over a few days going to bed one hour earlier & getting up a bit earlier the next day is the kindest way to re-adjust our sleep.  Its the same for children and teenagers.  BUT sometimes I have to be The Bad Mom and let MrD get to sleep when he does, and then get him up 30 minutes earlier than the usual time, just to force the bedtime clock back into adjustment.  Yes, it means a tired morning and a crabby supper hour, but the next day isn't quite as bad a repeat since bedtime is tired and less fight.

Enter creative problem solving.  There's a schedule, and MrD does NOT want to cooperate, get up, or get on with the day.  Sigh.  Sometimes I start his day with tickling, that feeds attention and laughter which we all need. Then I give him a time limit to get up & dressed by, 5 minutes, or else he gets a splash of water tossed on him.  This is a graduation from a squirt gun which seems to have mysteriously gone missing.  I set the kitchen timer, when it beeps, he gets wet.  That helps set the action & consequence process.  I'm sure I won't win any parenting awards for it though.  It does work better than grabbing all the warm blankets and hauling them out of the room leaving him cold on the bed.  The next strategy is starting his morning earlier & earlier until he starts cooperating on his own, then I can back off a bit.  Good Morning!

Metal on metal

MrD likes to make horrible screeching noises like a 5 year old girl.  Most adults first day at the rodeo politely say, "MrD, please don't make that noise, it hurts my ears."  5 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Like metal on metal I tell ya.  "MrD, why do you do that?  Its upsetting everyone, please stop.  4 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!" Follow that  by anyone bellowing, "Stop it!"  Hopefully without any physical contact.  3 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Do not pass go, do not collect any $$.  I've tried, "Stop practicing weird!"  which minorly works, then its about 10 minutes delay before the next "Screeeeechhhh!"  Then tried,  "Ah, that's so sexy, can you do it again?"  Response, "GRRRRRR!!!!"  Bingo, I hit a nerve.  Score another one for creative problem solving!  Despite being 13 years old, MrD does not like any graphic kissing on TV, nudity, or the word "Sexy."  Mwwahh haa haa haaaaaaaaaa!  Another tool in the parent kit, what a child majorly dislikes, is often leverage against rotten behaviour.  I don't care if the noise is stimming, it's gotta go, and fast.  Another chip in the mountain of socializing a child to be a functioning human being.

A well timed...

I had trouble titling this post.  A well timed hissy fit?  When's my turn?  Why all the tantrums?  Make the yelling stop?  There are multiple times a week when yelling is the only way to get through selective hearing.  I can ask, remind, repeat, nag, yell, swear, and still not be acknowledged or obeyed.  Drives us crazy for everyday crap like flushing the toilet, brushing teeth, cleaning up own messes, stopping annoying behaviour or noises...Ad nauseam.

We have some methods that work:  removing privileges to electronics for a day or more;  adding chores; canceling play dates; earlier bed times.  Those don't always have as much bite as a more inappropriate solution.  Or should I say, "creative problem-solving"?  I have learned that if someone stockpiles dirty clothes and does not care if they go without clean ones, they still stink.  I don't have to put up with that, I re-fragrance with nice stinky perfume!  Man does that ever get the message in!  I don't pick up dirty dishes, I refuse to go along cleaning up behind someone who is capable of doing it themselves.  So privileges are suspended until the mess gets dealt with.  Conversing with other parents and adults is so crucial to help provide my own sanity break.  That in itself is sometimes enough problem solving.  Its worth it for the long run goal, independence & understanding WHY we do certain routines every ding-dang day.  No, I would not let it get to the point of bug infestation or mould or anything gross.  My job is to hammer in the message that being self sufficient is a life long skill.  MrD's job is to somehow assimilate it.

I have a high tolerance for ignoring certain things.  I have to.  Ever received, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..." in a store?  Anywhere?  And yes, sometimes I wait until Mr D forgets why he's Mom-ing me, and THEN bellow back, "WHAAAATTTTT?!"  Which is delightfully startling and embarrassing for him.  At times I do get to my breaking point.  Those moments really shine.  I feel awful for it but I would never let on.  I sometimes have to have my own tantrum to hone in the point that I am human, I have a breaking point, and I do not deserve to be crapped on with such awful behaviour.  Its stressful and exhilarating at the same time.  I do hold back, I don't call names and I don't condescend.  I do call him out that its got to stop, that this is not how a family treats each other (with toxic behaviours).  Once the storm passes, the tears and noses are wiped, the apologies & hugs come through, the most miraculous thing happens. Niceness.  Honest, genuine, real niceness and cooperation for about a week anyway.  All that week I think to myself, why did I wait so long?  My own meltdown was so worth it.  Complacence and tolerance factor in.  I am not afraid to challenge Auspergers Autism behaviours.  I am not afraid of the ensuing tantrums, broken stuff, tears, crocodile tears, screaming, and defiant behaviour.  I learned long ago that those are exactly when not to back down, to stand firm and continue to challenge.  If I do, crap gets even more entrenched, and the stubbornness is even more fierce.  Life is full of challenges, nothing stays the same so its best learned at home before the real world clobbers him.  Also I think timing is a valuable teacher.  If I have a tantrum every time I don't get my way, well, I'd be raging multiple times a day.  Not worth it, MrD would learn that Mom's having a hysterical moment, again, and quickly learn to ignore me more.  Like the, "WHAAAATTTT!" the shock factor is what makes it work.

I have to admit, I need to make myself "take my turn" a little more often than once every month or two.

Homework Aversion Power

Is it wrong to hate my son's homework more than he does?  MrD is such a smart person, he can do so many things.  Unfortunately he is insanely stubborn.  When he doesn't want to do something, he will do it as slowly and painfully as possible.  He has no insight into how this is a negative vortex that uses up all available precious free time & energy.  I have been indirectly studying how he thinks and learns. As anyone knows, it is much easier to learn when we are interested in the topic.  Most people don't have the luxury of learning only what they like. In the school system we take our due diligence & learn the prescribed curriculum and muddle through as best we can.  The goal is to pass, and to pass well enough that it counts cumulatively especially if we want to continue onward to college or university.

Much to every teacher's horror, MrD has terrible study & work habits that he's been honing for years.  In grade 1 he had printing homework, the teacher reported finding it hidden behind the class bookshelf.  That is problem-solving and intelligence right?  It's even harder to be the parent who has to receive these updates with child in earshot, and not react.  This son of mine, despite the initial faint smirk and firm clear language that this is not the way to "do" homework, grabbed onto the tiny smirk & took that as positive.  I had no idea he would grab that micro-expression so quickly and lock it into his memory.  He's always worked best for patience and approval.  His favorite flavour of approval seems to be with a twist.

What's a micro-expression?  We've all seen them, registered them, thought quizzically with why something doesn't jive in conversation, and ultimately ignored them.  They do ring alarms with our intuitive knowledge.  Have you ever received a gift and thought, "ugg, what the hell am I going to do with this?" but politely said with a smile, "Thanks!  This is so great!"  Chances are that smile wasn't genuine, your eyes didn't crinkle to match the smile, but it passed.  Before the smile, right as you thought it your body language briefly gave your initial impression away.  Watch other people & you will see it, it's brief but it's there.  That's a white lie made to help make the other person feel better and it keeps the relationship gliding.

Unfortunately micro-expressions are very easy to misinterpret.  I'm certain that is how some family feuds, street wars and office dynamics are corrupted.  High school is rife with these mini-dramas.  A fight can break out because someone didn't like how another person looked at them.  Experience, maturity  & insight helps level out these things a bit.  How about fights that break out online in chat-rooms or message-boards?  They often start because someone negatively misread another's tone or voice.  All interactions start with our own bias & mood.  How do you teach self awareness to someone that only wants to learn "cherry picking" style?

Back to hating homework.  MrD has a memory that snaps things he likes in fiercely, iron clad.  If he is struggling or doesn't want to learn something it doesn't stick.  The more he dislikes something, for whatever reason, the more resistant he is.  I have figured out the key is to trick ourselves into wanting to learn something based on the merit we may need it sometime.  That doesn't always work either but it helps.  If I don't want to learn something that I have to, I have learned to make myself start earlier and to work more often in short chunks of time.  AND I reward myself with doing something I really like to do.  Homework is one of our current problem solving dilemmas.  MrD has pure stubborn resistance power.  Even with tangible rewards, he forgets & lets the dislike predominate.  Somehow we will break this habit & substitute it for better ones.  It takes heavy detective work to find out WHY MrD dislikes or even hates a subject.  Sometimes it's the class, the time of day, a particular classmate, an assignment, or even the teacher or teacher's assistant.  I wish stubborn were a superpower that could be used for good, not evil, sigh.

Practical intelligence

More good news, the jacket was returned.  I'm hoping Mr D has learned something from this.  I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell's books, currently "Outliers."  I have read "The Tipping Point," and "Blink" as well and they generate a lot of interesting thinking for me.  They were so good I plan to reread them, which is unusual for me.

The "Outliers" book I am 1/3 of the way through.  I finished a section last night about "practical intelligence" which really resonated with me because it is so similar to what other professionals call "social skills."  The chapter was all about genius intelligence/skills and how some people succeed in life and others can't seem to.  It drew parallels in my mind to autism studies since some are well known historically to be genius minds.  Temple Grandin refers to the fact that autism teaches that we all have genius capabilities, and studying autism may show how we find these gifts of knowledge.  Autistic brains do think differently, they can skip around in topics, leap from facts and experiences like lightening depending on how extensive their mental library of resources is.  Some lack the ability to focus while others cannot escape their focus to the neglect of everything else.  I know it is in these extremes that gifts and strengths are hidden.

Practical intelligence is something we learn socially.  We learn how to interact, to communicate, manners, and hidden social rules.  If we fail to learn them, we end up with egg on our face or ultimately become socially excluded.  Some people even exclude themselves socially, because social events make them greatly uncomfortable.  It's not that they are sociopaths, we all seem to fear & revile that.  Its that they never had help learning how to navigate the rules.  I know this is why autistic children need to be exposed to as many new experiences and changes as they can.  Any child who's environment is narrow and unyielding to change would have social handicaps.  If you do not know how to navigate a rocky conversation, to smooth talk, to wheel and deal, or even how to be legitimately heard, those are handicaps too.

I have experienced many many tantrums, screaming-stomping-break things tantrums.  I would not miss any of them for fear of upsetting MrD.  The tantrums are his way of rejecting what he is overwhelmed with.  I do not fear tantrums, they are just noise and they pass.  Life is full of uncomfortable events & situations.  I wouldn't be doing my job as "bad Mom" if I didn't make sure MrD was uncomfortable at times, pushed from his comfort levels, and challenged.  Tantrums are hard but life is harder.  MrD doesn't have the advantage of having a sibling like I did growing up.  Many sibling fights simply prepared me for the world that life isn't fair, life is hard. If life were easy, it would be boring.  The world is a big place, there's no sense hiding a child from it because of an invisible handicap like autism.  Hiding from adversity is denying the chance to learn, to live, and to finding adventures.

I know I casually refer to Temple Grandin's work, and I mean no disrespect.  I strongly encourage anyone interested to read her works, she has a unique and enlightening insight to the autistic mind.  She has overcome many difficult life experiences & is a champion of facing challenges while breaking down biases.

Apologies & School of life

Good news, MrD apologized for his earlier lie about not having homework.  When another chance arrived, I asked him, "think carefully before you reply, Do you have homework?"  To which he immediately started to blurt an answer, stopped himself, and answered, "wait a minute" & went to check his backpack.  He proceeded to dig out his homework and do it, no problem.  He is concerned about being trustworthy and it bothers him to be considered anything less.  Hoorrayy for small miracles!

I recently wrote about natural consequences as a possible outcome for choices.  Recently MrD was schooled there.  He was (as usual) in his own little cloud, minding everyone else's business, the last kid out of a local sports group he goes to.  Somehow his jacket was missing, but another was left in its place.  He was very upset thinking that someone had stolen his jacket.  I'm not pleased either, but I'm not angry.  Losing a brand new $35 winter jacket, purchased just in the nick of time for cold weather is annoying.  I did send him right back in to check the lost & found bucket.  MrD was escalating his tantrum and in a nasty mood over it.  I had a hard time cutting through that to tell him to knock it off and listen to me.  We talked about the fact that someone probably took his jacket by mistake.  I told him that this is only one thing that can happen when you don't pay attention to the things going on around you and be on task, it could be worse.  If at long last he "gets-it" it will be a cheap lesson for his lifetime remembering.  Unfortunately his favorite toque was in the pocket and may be lost for good.  The most interesting thing about life lessons, they usually stick.  We talked through the fact that if someone really needed it, I would have preferred they ask rather than take it.  I am well aware that MrD is the one who needs the jacket, that is who it was purchased for.  It was important to revisit the concept of kindness and not vindictiveness over this mistake.  Teaching kindness is important, but I don't want him to be a "push-over" either.  That's life: Balance, imbalance, learn, repeat.

We had an event like this a few years ago where he insisted he had to take 3 brand new shirts to school to show the teacher on the last day of school.  He was really excited about those shirts as they had glow in the dark motifs on them.  He argued with me relentlessly that he had to bring them, that he promised.  He couldn't answer when I asked him what he would do if they went missing, other than to argue that they won't.  I relented and allowed him to make the mistake.  As predicted they were set aside and lost in the shuffle never to be seen again.  I didn't like being right but he needed to find out the hard way.  He still argues relentlessly about certain things.  It makes me curious what the life lesson will be that changes his mind about arguing extensively.

Down time

Video games, the bane of my patience and the love of my son.  They're great, they teach repetition, problem solving, pattern recognition.  They jump over the hurdle of anxiety that we can't do something because its not real, just a game.  They also build huge amounts of physical tension ("stress") while MrD's playing because he has to sit still, pay attention, direct the game, and ignore his environment.  That's a great way to veg out, until it's time to get off the game.  I have learned without limits, it is impossible to get cooperation.  If he's not off the game by the agreed on time, then he will forfeit double time the next day, or lose game time completely the next day.  Much whining, and arguing ensues.  I'm not his friend, I'm his Mom, I have a right to direct how he uses our resources.

A certain amount of parenting is being uncomfortable, making a child do what they know they should do, but don't want to.  Pushing a child to be uncomfortable (within reason) is how they learn.  We learn  math & english skills with repetition.  We learn to face uncomfortable situations by jumping in or researching first & they trying.  We learn by watching someone else do it first or falling on our face.  We teach overcoming anxiety every day in small & large ways.  We do no favours hiding our own emotional discomfort all the time.  It is exhausting constantly titrating to push or to hold back.

Back to video games, they're addictive but fun.  There's a balancing act we have to teach.  I like to experiment to see what happens.  There's sound playing layers of music or a constant drone, turn it down or allow it to scream.  There's blinking lights, changing colours, changing screens, changing challenges.  Imposing a short time limit is stressful, but so is allowing a free for all for an afternoon.  Its important to also interrupt him frequently on some games, just for the experience.  It is important to allow the experience of these factors and then talk about it.  I am trying very hard to appeal to MrD's sense of intelligence and growing experience & awareness.  It can't hurt to encourage him to think about it.

I find playing repetitive pattern solving games like solitaire, tetris, bejeweled or angry birds, relaxing, but after awhile my mind wanders away.  I said it, I get bored.  Interestingly, MrD is a terrible audience to video games, he's like a bad backseat driver!  I almost forgot how important it is to have the audience experience since I have lots of forced time in that seat.  I think it is great to be an audience because I learn how the other person problem solves and learn different strategies, or at least how they strategize somewhat.  MrD learns that he can't have his way, he can't impose his will, he is not in control, and there's nothing he can do about it.  That's life too!

We need to play more board games & card games.  They are so vital to turn taking, winning & losing, and strategy.  Most importantly of all, human interaction.  Electronics are taking over the world, its a digital age of internet, TV, advertising, games, shopping, communications, reading and entertainment.  They seem to omit social manners, interactions, and respect for space & property.  Most interestingly, they seem to promote addictive behaviours.  I can't go anywhere without seeing someone glued to a cell phone.  Is that anxiety I see when someone is constantly checking facebook?  Is it misdirected nervous energy?  Is it depression masked as addiction thinly veiled in obsession with email?

I am really impressed with human resiliency.  More and more people are dumping their facebook accounts after realizing that it is a glorified high-school setting of competing for status.  Not to mention it can be a horrendous time vampire.  I'm hoping that is saturation and intelligence at work for people to realize, they control their media not vice versa.  I believe this to be an active example of problem solving at its more complex levels.  If our heads are down too long, eventually we realize when we come up for air that something is amuck.  We intuitively recognize a pattern of "something's wrong" with our time usage.  Pattern recognition leads problem solving.  This is why I fight so hard with my son over the every day battles.  If I don't interrupt him and teach him what I am seeing, he cannot easily recognize it himself.  To allow mistakes and not always engage in the battles, he hopefully can also learn that he needs to control it.  We all learn self control, by experience and trial & error.  Thankfully, we don't have to learn everything that way, all humans are intelligent to some degree.  I strongly feel that fostering an awareness of feelings is crucial to knowing WHY things are right & wrong.  Without feelings, we would all be sociopaths to some degree.

Repetition

Repetition, life is full of it.  Patterns, games, daily activities, work, making things, doing things...  We learn by repetition, but also by making mistakes.  How's that go again?  We are doomed to keep repeating the same things until we learn to do it differently.  I have noticed MrD has gaps in his memory that repetition alone do not seem to fill.  When he is blocked, he starts "stimming," currently rolling from room to room, jumping and touching door frames 3 times, selective hearing (not new), and most interestingly - lying.

Lying is a topic unto itself, but apparently it is seen as a positive stage of change in Auspergers autism development.  In order to lie, you need to understand that the other person has a different way of thinking than yourself.  We all lie for different reasons, that's human.  Lying about who put the carton of milk back in the fridge empty; who left a big mess on the counter or table; why is there no homework.  Small lies lead to bigger lies unfortunately.  The dilemma is how to teach lying has rules too.  Lying teaches mistrust when carried too far.  Do I bust him harshly for boldface lying about not having homework, or do I allow natural consequences to get him with a failing grade?  Do I allow the messes to continue to the point where there's a bug infestation or the need to replace furniture?  Do I lecture about it briefly, harshly & extremely to hammer home the point that consequences happen?  Do I quit lecturing and make him pay for damages with money & extra chores?  It all depends on the lie, the sincerity of the apology, and about forgiveness so that compassion is factored in.  This doesn't mean forgetting or ignoring the lie, it is about learning and relearning until it is understood lying is wrong.  No one really stops learning, this is no different.

It is the memory gap that drives me crazy right now.  We keep repeating the same crappy problems, no one sequence of events is right each time to hammer it in that we have to behave appropriately.  I have gotten to the point where I feel like I want to scream, "Control yourself!!!" when he's rolling across the floor for the 3rd time in an hour.  Sometimes I do, he says, "Oh, sorry" and then does it again in a few minutes!  Even using the same harsh interruption of standing in his way mid roll so he is forced to become interrupted doesn't work.  Understanding why he does things helps, but doesn't crack the mystery.  Sometimes he's bored, anxious, pestering about wanting to play video games and being made to wait, or brewing about something I don't know about yet.

I have been searching online about problem solving, and teaching strategies for our situations.  There is no information about how to break into this type of uncharted territory.  That is why I blog my experiences.  It forces me to think concretely and put it out there to be real.  I have anxiety about blogging these experiences.  Am I overstepping, am I putting too much details, am I revealing too much family or personal information, am I at risk of compromising my son's right to privacy as a child.  Then there's friends & family, how much do I allow their thoughts and opinions to influence this.  I do lean on those trusted people to hear me out, and that helps my problem solving too.  I am thankful to have other intelligent minds in my life to help me bring this child forward in his life to be the best adult he can be.

Compassion?

How about I teach a way to think and learn about compassion?

Nurses have advocated teaching about pain management.  It was thought that if someone had pain, they would tell you about it.  Not everyone can communicate pain.  A very real way to think of it is that if you told me you had a headache. If I could not see your pain, it must not be very tangible, maybe its not real since its not real to me?  You are able to continue talking with me and don't seem to be in pain.  It was through nurses intelligent observation and sensible logical measurements pain became measurable.  The 0-10 scale combined with clear descriptors of qualities of pain, that it became a tangible thing to manage.  

How about anxiety?  It is a type of mental pain.  If you have never experienced a moment of panic, how would you know or empathize?  Here is an extreme way to think about it.  You have just consumed a whole pot of coffee.  Some people are acclimated to that much caffeine so think about enough to feel jittery.  Then go into a closed small dark closet, sit down and will yourself to be still.  Remember there is caffeine racing through your veins, its small and dark.  Soon enough you need to go to the washroom, but the door is jammed, it will not open.  Try being calm and serene, its not happening.  Now all that urge to urinate is creating bowel cramps from the pressure of sitting with a full bladder, but that damn door will not open.  It is not just the anxiety that is the problem, it is the compounded symptoms.  Now the door bursts open and relief is imminent.  Oops, you had an accident on the way to the washroom, you are now embarrassed and no one can understand why.  You are very flustered, you cannot tell them why since you don't want to admit to being silly enough to be locked in a closet.  Maybe you are more jittery, breathless, talking more excitedly (hyper-caffeinated) in attempt to divert attention from your oopsie moment.  Don't you think you are coming across kinda strange flapping your hands around talking mile-a-minute?  Kinda looks like stimming now somehow.  Stimming is a way to relieve anxiety, directs it, and is repetitive thereby calming, something controllable.  

There are ways to relate and teach all emotions in this way.  I've been trying to identify feelings and talking about them with MrD as if they are individual people.  Anxiety comes to town, sometimes accompanied by Scared and Mad.  Mad and Angry are similar but one is stronger than the other.  Sad, Lonely, and Bored are often related, but confusing to decipher.  Happy, Silly, Content are welcome.  Start with the extremes then the subtle becomes more and more clear.  We all learn by starting simple and building on it.  Treating these things this way makes it more logical and then when feelings pop up, it is easier to identify the cast to figure out the story.

Another's shoes

A big part of being Mom to MrD is to be aware of his perspective.  This goes a huge way into figuring out why he struggles.  Sometimes its not enough, but at least I'm trying.  Perspective taking is something I have had to be creative about in teaching my son.  Owning pets really helps, pets have feelings, ideas, and most importantly rights.  If you doubt that, you just need to read about animal abuse stories and think about the atrocities committed.  Animals can go a long way to helping teach compassion.

Perspective is important, so is compassion.  Then there is a line that is overboard and we are ripe to be taken advantage of.  I have found that teaching extreme polar opposite ends of why we have manners and why we do things a certain way helps form a framework to fill in the subtleties that create grey areas.  It seems that the big details help to make it make sense, with time.  Teaching why rudeness is unacceptable means talking about why you would not wear your muddy shoes into another's home, sit at their table and then swing those filthy feet up onto their table.  That shows why feet should never be on the table.  Building on that, sitting on your chair rather than waving your butt at your table-mates while you lean over & kneel badly in your chair picking something up is also rude.  See how the rules and rationale build with concrete examples.  Temple Grandin openly spoke of learning table manners and her mother's frustration with her eating with her mouth open.  It wasn't until Ms Grandin went to a friends home for a meal and was horrified to see others talk and eat with their mouths open.  She told of telling her mother that it was like looking into a open garbage truck and it was aweful.  Only THEN was it real for her mother to complete the teaching of why it is rude.  These types of lessons are everywhere to talk about and learn from.  They are commonly referred to as "teachable moments" and are often more valuable than instruction or formal lessons.

Being compassionate is not the same as being another person. It is the understanding that their experiences are similar but different than our own that is a milestone with Auspergers Autism.  From there we learn about lying, which is another milestone.  You have to understand other people have different perspectives or lying is irrelevant. Then begins discussions about lying, white lies, blatant lies, and trust, or erosion of trust as a result of lies.  The children's story about "Henny Penny, The Sky is Falling" is now relevant again.  The trick is finding less juvenile examples that are equally interesting.

CopyCat

I have noticed that mimicry is a favorite way of learning social skills for my son.  He can repeatedly and accurately recite things that he thinks are hilarious from TV's The Simpsons and The Big Bang.  I make sure to watch some with him & we can talk about wether it is appropriate or rude.  The truth is that often rude things are funny, BUT we have to know why it is rude to appreciate the context.  We are human, sometimes we laugh when we see a stranger fall down, or when someone bends over & their pants split.  Misfortune is fodder for comedy.  If we can't laugh, we'd be crying all the time!  Sometimes it is healthiest to step back from a day of misfortune and laugh at it rather than rolling over & showing our belly and wallowing in it indefinitely.

Mimicry is how we learn to retell jokes in a funny way, or to tell a story without killing it with boredom. Mimicry is the oldest form of flattery.  Mimicry is learning, and so is repetition.  Repetition builds familiarity and memory.  We learn musical lyrics, times tables, tying our shoes with repetition.  Often saying we can't do something is a lie we tell ourselves, maybe we just don't want to do something.  This is exactly why I have forced my son to join into social situations when he doesn't want to.  It is like trying new foods, you have to taste it first to know if you will like it, sometimes repeatedly.  Occasionally I feel like a Bad Mom forcing my son to step up and do something himself like paying for a dollar store item.  I can see and feel his anxiety building.  I do prepare him in advance & we talk through the steps.  Talking about something is not the same as doing it.  Many of us have similar anxiety in driving situations.  I used to have anxiety about parallel parking, merging, and driving with a median on my left.  With practice and repetition skills gets better and the anxiety backs off.  Social skills are like that too.

Understanding Anxiety is key to succeeding the job of controlling it.  It is a huge misconception to say we can beat anxiety, or overcome anxiety, it never really goes away.  Anxiety isn't a bad thing unless it is uncontrolled, it is linked to our "fight or flight" survival instincts.  Do we run & hide or do we fight.  Anxiety has to be toned down, beaten back, owned in order to control it.  Everyone has to learn to do this themselves.  Anyone that goes through life avoiding anxiety often ends up with more severe punishing circumstances like hoarding, addictions, being housebound, panic attacks...  I strongly think that anxiety is a root of many labels in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders manual that doctors reference to.  That book is also known as DSM-IV-TR, is a manual published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) that includes all currently recognized mental health disorders.  People that live with mental disorders are not at fault for their problems, they are just different and need help and acceptance.

Meditation or relaxation techniques are essential tools to control anxiety.  Many times I have had to step into a surprise situation and tell myself, "OhshitwhatdoIdo...take a deep breath."  Taking-a-deep-breath-blowing-it-out-slow, repeat, gives a pause long enough to let my brain help me deal with the surprise.  It also enables oxygen to be available to my brain to make decent decisions.  Hyperventilating begets oxygen overload with full adrenaline charge which feeds anxiety and horrible physical symptoms (heart racing, slightly dizzy, feel lousy, feel scared, paralyzed and numb with overload).  That's great if a tree is going to fall on you, it gives you immediate energy & strength to try to jump out of the way.  Not so good if a neighbor dog confronts you aggressively, or a stranger in a parking lot comes up to your car screaming at you crazily.  It takes time to learn skills, learning to identify our issues is hard.  If life were easy, we would be bored.