Here's our old dogs, Barney in the foreground, Ginger in the background wearing her winter sweater. This is a picture from their younger years. We know that animals help teach so very much, especially to children. We all receive birthdays, with that comes an unspoken knowledge of a "death day," some day. Barney was 16 and getting quite senile with cataracts, hearing loss and even seemed to be losing his nose sense. Barney was found as a pup, tied to a tree in a ravine, abandoned. The neighborhood and SPCA were canvassed and no one claimed him so my (not yet) husband kept him. Ginger has been a good friend to him being his eyes & ears assistance these last few years. I got Ginger from the SPCA when she was about 2 years old. MrD was about 2 years old at the time, he has grown up knowing these dogs friendship and oddities. I have encouraged MrD to think of pets as people too, I believe the alternate that they are objects would be teaching possibly sociopath tendencies. Everyone knows pets have their own special personalities, positive & negative. With pets comes responsibilities, MrD learned to give them cookies in the morning, supper every day, water and defertilizinig the yard duties. He had a ritual for awhile of giving them "special suppers" which became more and more complicated and lengthy. Once we realized it was becoming more obsessive than practical, discussions and subtle changes in the routine enabled breaking the obsessive component.
The day Barney passed was not typical. My husband had to go out, MrD was asked to let me rest to have a bit of a sleep in. I heard the dog yelping but I knew they were up & didn't get up immediately, figuring they could handle it. A short time later MrD came to me in tears, "Barney died." My brave fellow watched the whole short event by himself and didn't call for me. No one made him, but he knew it was important to be there & not leave the dog alone. He told me that Barney seemed a bit scared so he made sure to stay right there & pet him & tell him he's okay. I told him that he did the right thing, and that this was a special thing that Barney maybe wanted him there. That poor old dog suffered anxiety and hated being alone for his whole life.
MrD understands that everyone has a death date since we've lost a cat and then my Dad in the last few years. He has interprets death in his own way, that we go to heaven, to be the essence of life & love and that the spirit lives on, especially in our memory. Everyone was lost for the day but it was most important that we be kind to each other and not spend the whole day moping. Over lunch MrD & I talked about anxiety and grief, how similar they can be creeping in. I told him I think of it like a wave. If I stop and stare at it too long, it freezes, and I'm left staring at it and don't know what to do with it. If I take a deep breath I can let it roll over me, through me, and let it pass as its meant to its not as bad. MrD said for him its more like a wall. I asked him what he meant. He said that its like driving through town and hitting the pulp-mill wall of stench. One moment the air is fine, then next moment its tortuous. He said that there is no point stopping then and being stuck in that stench, that it is more important to keep going to get through it and away from it. Nothing like a small town northern Canadian to have a perspective like that!
And then we learn again from our animals, routines change, we miss our friend and the day marches on. Animals miss their lost friends, but they accept it and move on. I think they are smarter than humans for this, they don't let it dominate them indefinitely. Death doesn't define us, life does. I have seen that the longer we fixate on hard feelings, the longer they change our brain chemistry to stay that way. Depression, anxiety, fear, paranoia, even pain all grow this way because of the extra time thinking about them in our neural pathways. Our memories are built of repetition and learning and it makes sense that mental health can grow or recede by our own will. That's when we need the strength and support of our families & friends most.
