The newest & greatest book in our home is such a source of conflict. In the evening it blocks out all other thinking, its full obsession love. Must. read. another. page. can't. put. book. down. We all fall prey to this occasionally so I understand completely. In the morning for school it became a full out house hunt, where's the book?!? I put it away last night knowing it would be a source of struggle in the morning. That and I really want him to finish the Percy Jackson book he's halfway through. Once he starts the new one, Percy is doomed to never be completed. I also understand ditching a book if it no longer holds interest, but he was interested & needs to be pushed to finish it for the sake of finishing it. Thats a life skill too.
Mr D wants to look up the author at school. I wrote it down on a piece of paper to refer to. No Mom, I need the book, the author has an exclusive blog that is only listed in his book. Despite assurances that this published author would have a public blog that should be easy to find with a simple online search engine, the house was rummaged. Ahhhggg! He found it, now I have to wrestle it away, threatening to rip the pages to keep it away. I was already engaged, if I lost this battle he would not do any schoolwork today, fixating entirely on this new book. So with grim resistance he concedes he didn't want the book ripped. Minutes from the impending school bus time, he goes into the backyard! He's looking for his bug carrier that is full of 50 caterpillars that he collected from the school on Friday. The bug carrier was Friday's obsession, I just didn't blog it. He had a really intelligent insight on Friday. Why can't they teach about human reproduction alongside the caterpillar life cycle instead of these boring nasty class lectures about how our bodies grow. I told him that I didn't know, but he's right, it would be more interesting. Switch back to today, I'm screaming out the back door, GET TO THE BUS! to which I get the reply, Okaaayyyy. Thankfully we do not have the previous school busdriver who was a stickler for being on time all the time or you get the warning reports. Three warning reports & you have to have a bus meeting before riding the bus privileges are reinstated. This busdriver is a little more casual about time & is not perfectly on time, whew! My poor neighbors will be glad this school year is done too. On the positive side, Mr D apologized for being so difficult & stressing me out this morning.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Score keeping?
Often we struggle the same way, day after day, week after week. Occasionally I have an idea or a friend triggers something I have learned & forgotten in my "bag of tricks" to being a mom. I have been thinking on our current particular cycle of horrible. My son's father & I have been split up since Mr D was very small. It is normal in our family for Mr D to commute in the car every other weekend at the halfway meeting point. Mr D is an excellent car traveller because of this. He's great at sleepovers too. I have always told him that no matter what he is loved. He will always come back to me, and I will always come back to him. This has immensely helped with transitions when he was small. Now that he's a big 13 year old, the rules change.
There are definitely differences in rules between Mom & Dad's homes. MrD's happy to go to Dad's house. He comes back and is usually all discombobulated. He's been allowed to stay up later, doesn't take his vitamins, different eating schedule & different foods... Its just different. He also hides his autism from his father, knowing Dad doesn't understand his need to be annoying, to do things repetitively, to have rituals. My husband & I do understand, and we put up with a lot, within reason. "Pick your Battles" is the old adage of advice that filters through.
So he comes back tired, smelly, caffeinated, and wide awake. This is no fun to wrestle with school looming the next day. I developed a new rule recently & it helps, but not on Mondays. By 8pm MrD needs to be in the tub or shower (his choice), 830pm out & drying off, snacking if needed & teeth done. This is a tall order, even with reminders to a kid with a poor sense of time. We know this & are not too ridged about the exact time, the goal is to get him to be responsible and independent for his jobs. If he's ready before 830pm he can have "Boomer time," and take the cat (Boomer) to bed to cuddle while reading. 9pm is the end of Boomer time. If he's dragging along, it cuts into his time. If he's still not ready for bed by 9pm, fines start. 25cents/5minutes until 915pm, then after 915pm it doubles to 50cents/5minutes. He's starting to see money has value so this works. He whines & complains & argues every minute of the way, but as long as he's still getting ready for bed, no big deal. A little melatonin (1.5mg) also helps on these evenings.
Monday comes, he's tired, slow to wake up, & dragging along every step of the way to get to school. He gets out the door, but its his choice to eat or not. Its his choice to get dressed or go to school in his pyjamas. Its his choice to grab his lunch, watch & key. To be fair, I do remind him some but I'm trying to back off on that. If he doesn't eat his lunch, I usually get phone calls from the school that he's being defiant somehow. After school, I figured out that I need to work him, to not allow him much "down time." I've noticed if I allow him too much down time on a Monday, he drifts along & fights me all afternoon, and all evening. So I set the timer for 15 minutes and told him to be ready to go to help me get groceries. That gets us out of the house. About 2 minutes before I was leaving I hollered, BYE! I was almost backing out the driveway before he came barreling out of the house to join me. I told him to go back & wash his hands, then lock the door. His hands were filthy & he didn't do it afterschool like I'd asked. Automatic car locks helped reinforce the point. He complied & away we went. It was a big grocery haul, he enjoyed helping pick & lift groceries, visiting the sample ladies helps too. When we got home he was great helping unload groceries, feed the dogs their supper (his job), cleaned a carpet mess, and helped haul the mega load of laundry back upstairs to the bedrooms. He's just got enough time to preview the book he paid half for, "Survive, the ultimate Edition." by Les Stroud host of Survivorman. Out the door again to TaeKwanDo, just in time.
This was sooooo much better than the usual argue, whine, yell-a-thon we usually do. Draining his energy & keeping him busy in a positive way is the key. I wish I'd figured it out sooner. I also wish schools would take a lesson from this and exercise children right at the start of the day, maybe there would be a bit less behaviour problems overall. Mr D was happy, busy, and helping, just the person he was on Friday before he had his weekend.
You will have to turn your head to view this, I still don't know how to rotate pictures in picassa to get it right to post. There's also a giant pile of "waiting to be washed" on the floor, but this was about a 7 load backlog. Hooray for young legs to haul it all back up the stairs. That counts as "helping when asked" for his weekly allowance!
“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein
There are definitely differences in rules between Mom & Dad's homes. MrD's happy to go to Dad's house. He comes back and is usually all discombobulated. He's been allowed to stay up later, doesn't take his vitamins, different eating schedule & different foods... Its just different. He also hides his autism from his father, knowing Dad doesn't understand his need to be annoying, to do things repetitively, to have rituals. My husband & I do understand, and we put up with a lot, within reason. "Pick your Battles" is the old adage of advice that filters through.
So he comes back tired, smelly, caffeinated, and wide awake. This is no fun to wrestle with school looming the next day. I developed a new rule recently & it helps, but not on Mondays. By 8pm MrD needs to be in the tub or shower (his choice), 830pm out & drying off, snacking if needed & teeth done. This is a tall order, even with reminders to a kid with a poor sense of time. We know this & are not too ridged about the exact time, the goal is to get him to be responsible and independent for his jobs. If he's ready before 830pm he can have "Boomer time," and take the cat (Boomer) to bed to cuddle while reading. 9pm is the end of Boomer time. If he's dragging along, it cuts into his time. If he's still not ready for bed by 9pm, fines start. 25cents/5minutes until 915pm, then after 915pm it doubles to 50cents/5minutes. He's starting to see money has value so this works. He whines & complains & argues every minute of the way, but as long as he's still getting ready for bed, no big deal. A little melatonin (1.5mg) also helps on these evenings.
Monday comes, he's tired, slow to wake up, & dragging along every step of the way to get to school. He gets out the door, but its his choice to eat or not. Its his choice to get dressed or go to school in his pyjamas. Its his choice to grab his lunch, watch & key. To be fair, I do remind him some but I'm trying to back off on that. If he doesn't eat his lunch, I usually get phone calls from the school that he's being defiant somehow. After school, I figured out that I need to work him, to not allow him much "down time." I've noticed if I allow him too much down time on a Monday, he drifts along & fights me all afternoon, and all evening. So I set the timer for 15 minutes and told him to be ready to go to help me get groceries. That gets us out of the house. About 2 minutes before I was leaving I hollered, BYE! I was almost backing out the driveway before he came barreling out of the house to join me. I told him to go back & wash his hands, then lock the door. His hands were filthy & he didn't do it afterschool like I'd asked. Automatic car locks helped reinforce the point. He complied & away we went. It was a big grocery haul, he enjoyed helping pick & lift groceries, visiting the sample ladies helps too. When we got home he was great helping unload groceries, feed the dogs their supper (his job), cleaned a carpet mess, and helped haul the mega load of laundry back upstairs to the bedrooms. He's just got enough time to preview the book he paid half for, "Survive, the ultimate Edition." by Les Stroud host of Survivorman. Out the door again to TaeKwanDo, just in time.
This was sooooo much better than the usual argue, whine, yell-a-thon we usually do. Draining his energy & keeping him busy in a positive way is the key. I wish I'd figured it out sooner. I also wish schools would take a lesson from this and exercise children right at the start of the day, maybe there would be a bit less behaviour problems overall. Mr D was happy, busy, and helping, just the person he was on Friday before he had his weekend.
“Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein
Saturday, June 25, 2011
One day, 3 views
Mr Teacher's view:
Its grade 7, the program is sugar babies. Students must pack a round a 5lb bag of sugar for a week and journal about their responsibilities and daily routine as if the sugar sack were a baby. Some students were allowed to use a realistic baby doll that makes baby noises and similar to baby needs. Mr Teacher is lecturing the class about something or other, (my son) Mr. D gets up & is examining the babies. Mr D is somehow activating the baby dolls which entertains the class & derails the program, making the class curious about the unusual sounds. Mr Teacher is getting annoyed and asks Mr D to please sit down. As is often usual Mr D doesn't comply with the direction for unknown reasons. Mr D has been a real challenge to Mr & Mrs Teachers all year for this particular selective listening. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to sit down, to which Mr D replies with some sort of perky attitude, "Bad Phill," (Phil is Mr Teachers first name) but does not sit down. Mr Teacher is now fed up & orders Mr D to sit down, Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." Now Mr Principal has been summoned. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's stern authoritative voice. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room.
Mr D's view:
Another boring day of Gr 7. Yap yap yap, Mr Teacher talks too much. Mr D was busy examining a doll, trying to stick things in its mouth. Mr Teacher says "Mr D please go sit down." Mr. D put a magnet in the dolls mouth, which activated it to make noises. "suck suck suck, Whaaaaaa!!!" says the doll. Mr Teacher firmly said, "Mr D, you have to leave Now." Mr D didn't really hear the instruction. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to leave, to which Mr D replies with perky attitude, "Bad Phill." Mr Teacher is now fed up and orders Mr D to leave, now. Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." On later discussion this was Mr D's clever play on words, Phill~Phillip~Phillips head screwdriver. Mr Principal appears. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry & resentful of all this attention and bossy orders. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's wrath, Mr D thinks he's having an aneurism. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room. Mr D is angry, blames it all on the TV being on in the morning & rotting his brain too early in the day.
Mom's view:
My first 12hour dayshift during a week day in almost a year. My husband is off work for the day, he can run the show in the morning and get Mr D off to school. Normally we don't both work dayshift since I know that if we are both out the door before Mr D, he will very likely not get on the school bus to get to school in the morning; something to do with time perception & distractions. 10am & there's a message on my cell phone from the school to please call back. Great. I call back, get the answering machine at the school and leave a message. I phone home and my husband's cell phone to find out whats going on but he's busy & not answering. The school secretary phones me back to tell me Mr D is being unsafe, he's not following direction, its a school safety issue, I need to come pick him up. I ask what is going on but she doesn't really know. I ask to speak to my son and find out he's been disruptive somehow. He was asked to leave the classroom but was refusing. I already know that sometimes Mr D doesn't comply because he didn't hear the direction; sometimes he doesn't understand the direction; sometimes he just doesn't want to follow the direction. Also Mr D has never responded well when people give him negative attitude, he throws it back instinctively. I put on my Mom voice & read Mr D the riot act: that he knows better; that he needs to stay out of trouble at school; that he owes everyone involved an apology; that he needs to think about what he's done. I talk with Mr Vice Principal who usually deals with Mr D's antics. I let him know that I am at work and unable to come collect Mr D. Mr D can write 50 lines of " I am sorry for disrupting Mr Teacher's class & will not do it again." and 50 lines of "I will try harder to be respectful towards all staff members." The lines were to be done neatly and if Mr D refused or did a sloppy job, photocopies would be sent to his father. Ironically a few days later he doesn't remember the lines, but he clearly remembers the sequence of events. He ate his lunch at school, finished his lines & was playing Scrabble with a learning assistance teacher when my husband picked him up. I asked that there be no video games, computer or TV time. Mr D had so much energy he needed to be put to work. Mr D mowed the front & backyard; dug out some plastic yard trim; found protective eye goggles & helped break out a rock to remove from the yard; dog doodie pick up. He was kept busy helping, and he enjoyed it.
There's no backtracking or problem solving that would've fixed this school day. It seems it was doomed as a sequence of events. I find out later that my husband did break the no-TV-in-the-morning-rule. TV is too distracting, everything stops when the TV is on, just square eye goggles remain. My son was exempt from the sugar baby assignment, thankfully he was given an alternate assignment. I had visions of him poking holes & eating the sugar; dipping the sugar sack in water to make sugar syrup or deformed gory sticky sugar baby; or poking a tiny hole to make sugar trails to encourage ant infestation throughout the school... Mr D was determined to not take responsibility for his actions, he's still learning about that. Journalling all this I realize, he resented being ordered about. Resentment is a nasty contender if paired with Angry. Mr Teacher is human & prone to frustration, he expects obedience from children. If he had challenged Mr D socially, by asking him why he is so interested in a baby doll, instead of ordering compliance he may have gotten better results. If Mr Principal had asked Mr D to please come help him do something, the resistance to leave the classroom wouldn't be a conflict. The operative goal of getting him out of the classroom was the goal, appealing to Mr D's genuine desire to please and be helpful would've been a smarter approach.
Mr D is very good at reflecting attitude he is given from others. If an adult is inconsistent, insensitive, rude, or bullying in authority, the testing ensues. If an adult is really unfair, he will get angry too. Mr D's testing is intuitive, maddening, and repetitive. He needs consistency, continuity, and intelligent problem solving objective fair adults leading him. Unfortunately no one is capable of filling his needs consistently all the time. Humans are like that, and judgmental too. Mr D admits later that in the morning he was bored. Now, finally after all the examination and discussion we have a real root of the day's problem. Teachers love to go on-and-on, its their job to teach. We all forget that audiences have a saturation point. Was the school system bullying Mr D with rules saying he's being unsafe, creating a school safety issue? That depends entirely who's telling the story. Its been a full school year and we keep having these these type of events, sometimes several in a week. Mr D was sorry for getting in trouble at school that day. And so, we strive forward, this was typical of a bad day. A bonus of banning all electronics for the week is that Mr D is busy reading a novel, "The Lightening Thief" by Rick Riordan and enjoying it. As for boredom, we keep discussing that if Mr D is bored, he needs to work harder, anyone who has worked hard in a day can attest, they were not bored.
Its grade 7, the program is sugar babies. Students must pack a round a 5lb bag of sugar for a week and journal about their responsibilities and daily routine as if the sugar sack were a baby. Some students were allowed to use a realistic baby doll that makes baby noises and similar to baby needs. Mr Teacher is lecturing the class about something or other, (my son) Mr. D gets up & is examining the babies. Mr D is somehow activating the baby dolls which entertains the class & derails the program, making the class curious about the unusual sounds. Mr Teacher is getting annoyed and asks Mr D to please sit down. As is often usual Mr D doesn't comply with the direction for unknown reasons. Mr D has been a real challenge to Mr & Mrs Teachers all year for this particular selective listening. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to sit down, to which Mr D replies with some sort of perky attitude, "Bad Phill," (Phil is Mr Teachers first name) but does not sit down. Mr Teacher is now fed up & orders Mr D to sit down, Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." Now Mr Principal has been summoned. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's stern authoritative voice. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room.
Mr D's view:
Another boring day of Gr 7. Yap yap yap, Mr Teacher talks too much. Mr D was busy examining a doll, trying to stick things in its mouth. Mr Teacher says "Mr D please go sit down." Mr. D put a magnet in the dolls mouth, which activated it to make noises. "suck suck suck, Whaaaaaa!!!" says the doll. Mr Teacher firmly said, "Mr D, you have to leave Now." Mr D didn't really hear the instruction. Mr Teacher is getting frustrated & again asks Mr D to leave, to which Mr D replies with perky attitude, "Bad Phill." Mr Teacher is now fed up and orders Mr D to leave, now. Mr D replies, "Okaaaaayyyy Mr Screw-driver." On later discussion this was Mr D's clever play on words, Phill~Phillip~Phillips head screwdriver. Mr Principal appears. Mr Principal takes his turn asking Mr D to leave the classroom, but Mr D is getting quite angry & resentful of all this attention and bossy orders. Mr D doesn't leave the classroom immediately which brings out Mr Principal's wrath, Mr D thinks he's having an aneurism. Eventually Mr D does leave the classroom after being grabbed by the arm & lead to another room. Mr D is angry, blames it all on the TV being on in the morning & rotting his brain too early in the day.
Mom's view:
My first 12hour dayshift during a week day in almost a year. My husband is off work for the day, he can run the show in the morning and get Mr D off to school. Normally we don't both work dayshift since I know that if we are both out the door before Mr D, he will very likely not get on the school bus to get to school in the morning; something to do with time perception & distractions. 10am & there's a message on my cell phone from the school to please call back. Great. I call back, get the answering machine at the school and leave a message. I phone home and my husband's cell phone to find out whats going on but he's busy & not answering. The school secretary phones me back to tell me Mr D is being unsafe, he's not following direction, its a school safety issue, I need to come pick him up. I ask what is going on but she doesn't really know. I ask to speak to my son and find out he's been disruptive somehow. He was asked to leave the classroom but was refusing. I already know that sometimes Mr D doesn't comply because he didn't hear the direction; sometimes he doesn't understand the direction; sometimes he just doesn't want to follow the direction. Also Mr D has never responded well when people give him negative attitude, he throws it back instinctively. I put on my Mom voice & read Mr D the riot act: that he knows better; that he needs to stay out of trouble at school; that he owes everyone involved an apology; that he needs to think about what he's done. I talk with Mr Vice Principal who usually deals with Mr D's antics. I let him know that I am at work and unable to come collect Mr D. Mr D can write 50 lines of " I am sorry for disrupting Mr Teacher's class & will not do it again." and 50 lines of "I will try harder to be respectful towards all staff members." The lines were to be done neatly and if Mr D refused or did a sloppy job, photocopies would be sent to his father. Ironically a few days later he doesn't remember the lines, but he clearly remembers the sequence of events. He ate his lunch at school, finished his lines & was playing Scrabble with a learning assistance teacher when my husband picked him up. I asked that there be no video games, computer or TV time. Mr D had so much energy he needed to be put to work. Mr D mowed the front & backyard; dug out some plastic yard trim; found protective eye goggles & helped break out a rock to remove from the yard; dog doodie pick up. He was kept busy helping, and he enjoyed it.
There's no backtracking or problem solving that would've fixed this school day. It seems it was doomed as a sequence of events. I find out later that my husband did break the no-TV-in-the-morning-rule. TV is too distracting, everything stops when the TV is on, just square eye goggles remain. My son was exempt from the sugar baby assignment, thankfully he was given an alternate assignment. I had visions of him poking holes & eating the sugar; dipping the sugar sack in water to make sugar syrup or deformed gory sticky sugar baby; or poking a tiny hole to make sugar trails to encourage ant infestation throughout the school... Mr D was determined to not take responsibility for his actions, he's still learning about that. Journalling all this I realize, he resented being ordered about. Resentment is a nasty contender if paired with Angry. Mr Teacher is human & prone to frustration, he expects obedience from children. If he had challenged Mr D socially, by asking him why he is so interested in a baby doll, instead of ordering compliance he may have gotten better results. If Mr Principal had asked Mr D to please come help him do something, the resistance to leave the classroom wouldn't be a conflict. The operative goal of getting him out of the classroom was the goal, appealing to Mr D's genuine desire to please and be helpful would've been a smarter approach.
Mr D is very good at reflecting attitude he is given from others. If an adult is inconsistent, insensitive, rude, or bullying in authority, the testing ensues. If an adult is really unfair, he will get angry too. Mr D's testing is intuitive, maddening, and repetitive. He needs consistency, continuity, and intelligent problem solving objective fair adults leading him. Unfortunately no one is capable of filling his needs consistently all the time. Humans are like that, and judgmental too. Mr D admits later that in the morning he was bored. Now, finally after all the examination and discussion we have a real root of the day's problem. Teachers love to go on-and-on, its their job to teach. We all forget that audiences have a saturation point. Was the school system bullying Mr D with rules saying he's being unsafe, creating a school safety issue? That depends entirely who's telling the story. Its been a full school year and we keep having these these type of events, sometimes several in a week. Mr D was sorry for getting in trouble at school that day. And so, we strive forward, this was typical of a bad day. A bonus of banning all electronics for the week is that Mr D is busy reading a novel, "The Lightening Thief" by Rick Riordan and enjoying it. As for boredom, we keep discussing that if Mr D is bored, he needs to work harder, anyone who has worked hard in a day can attest, they were not bored.
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