Another day, another tantrum

 Hoarfrost looks almost dangerous, yet is incredibly fragile and temporary.  I don't believe Hell to always be hot, sometimes it is ever so bone-chillingly cold.  

Yesterday was tough.  Its always worst when I'm not feeling well, regardless of illness, shift-work or general overwhelming fatigue days.  I realize MrD is competing for attention, I know at 13 he still needs attention.  I have always tried to encourage him to amuse himself.  At times he just can't, currently its most awful when he's competing for "who feels worst" title.  That pisses me off.  I realize it is part of his self centric self and that he will always be young for his age.  That doesn't change the fact that he has no right to kick me when I'm down, or anyone for that matter.  He has a sore knee, which we will address at an upcoming doctor appointment.  He's been complaining of it for awhile now, but I have been allowing common sense to watch & wait to see if it settles down or gets worse.  I understand that pain is pain, and it is what the person says it is.  Pain also reduces his coping.  I struggle with the reality that at times its better & worse, and sometimes becomes an excuse to not do things he didn't want to do anyways.  Yet, in the midst of yet another tantrum, because he can't have his own way (computer time), he chose to hit his sore knee.  Somehow, he was trying to emphasize he is hurting more.  Immature coping, paired with Auspergers logic, how the hell do I figure this out?  Thankfully my husband took MrD for a drive, he saw MrD railing for attention I did not have to give, and that MrD had no right to be demanding in such a vicious way.  I had a chance to read this long article, Why French parents are superior.  I realize it is a commentary of social differences.  The gem was that children need to be taught patience, to wait, and to accept it.  That's a very real life skill.  I have worked for 13 years to teach this, but I still have to remind myself that MrD is a work in progress.  The proof is that MrD can do so many things independently already.  He can walk to & from school, safely ride his bicycle, use the telephone, electronics, washer/drier, dishwasher, feed the pets...  He just can't always cope as expected, that is why Auspergers autism is often known as an invisible disorder.  Every day we have another example of why adults have to adapt their thinking to the problem at hand of how to get forward movement out of this child.  He came home tearful and apologetic because he almost got himself an early ride all the way to his Dad's home.  Thankfully my husband realized my son was playing in bullying and manipulations, not just unmet needs of attention.  I suppose those are signs of MrD's advancing thinking modes, certainly not modes that we will ever encourage.

Sense of senses

Our internal environments are controlled by our senses.  Autism children seem to read their senses more acutely and more intuitively, but have difficulty communicating it.  Parents are the #1 authority on their autistic child's behavior and mood.  Yet we take a backseat to other people's opinions or get shoe-horned into a label of "overprotective parent." (negative labeling with judgmental overtones anyone?!?)  We all know of 5 senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch.  Most people forget energy is like a sense, it dominates our mood, our spirit, and our physical presence.  If we are tired there are gradients of fatigue that influence how snappy or defensive we come across.   Animals are highly capable of reading energy levels and often make a natural pairing with autistic children.  

Most people are familiar with circadian rhythm fatigue that brings an afternoon lag.  Those are often morning people.  Some people are aware of "sundowning" on the dementia spectrum, where erratic & nasty behaviours appear in the late afternoon or early evening.  Hardly anyone knows about "sun-rising," which is also seen within the dementia spectrum when anytime of the morning erratic & nasty come out to play.  Sun-riser people are the ones historically that everyone knew to leave them alone until they've had their first cup of coffee & cigarette of the day.  I believe those are often the night owls and shift workers that prefer evening shift.  

Children need predictable routine for meals and sleep schedules. Teenagers are a different thing again.  They are in a huge growing spurt with hormone shifts and moods.   They flip to evening or night hours easily but often require more sleep than children.  That answers the morning zombie state of many teenagers.  I think the most interesting part is that we can and do change our rhythms but we seem to have a natural setting we gravitate to. We have a natural adult weight we gravitate to so it makes sense sleep/wake cycles do too.  When we travel across time zones and need to re-acclimate on return, we do it gradually if its at all possible to avoid a sleep deprivation hangover slam.  Over a few days going to bed one hour earlier & getting up a bit earlier the next day is the kindest way to re-adjust our sleep.  Its the same for children and teenagers.  BUT sometimes I have to be The Bad Mom and let MrD get to sleep when he does, and then get him up 30 minutes earlier than the usual time, just to force the bedtime clock back into adjustment.  Yes, it means a tired morning and a crabby supper hour, but the next day isn't quite as bad a repeat since bedtime is tired and less fight.

Enter creative problem solving.  There's a schedule, and MrD does NOT want to cooperate, get up, or get on with the day.  Sigh.  Sometimes I start his day with tickling, that feeds attention and laughter which we all need. Then I give him a time limit to get up & dressed by, 5 minutes, or else he gets a splash of water tossed on him.  This is a graduation from a squirt gun which seems to have mysteriously gone missing.  I set the kitchen timer, when it beeps, he gets wet.  That helps set the action & consequence process.  I'm sure I won't win any parenting awards for it though.  It does work better than grabbing all the warm blankets and hauling them out of the room leaving him cold on the bed.  The next strategy is starting his morning earlier & earlier until he starts cooperating on his own, then I can back off a bit.  Good Morning!

Metal on metal

MrD likes to make horrible screeching noises like a 5 year old girl.  Most adults first day at the rodeo politely say, "MrD, please don't make that noise, it hurts my ears."  5 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Like metal on metal I tell ya.  "MrD, why do you do that?  Its upsetting everyone, please stop.  4 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!" Follow that  by anyone bellowing, "Stop it!"  Hopefully without any physical contact.  3 minutes later, "Screeeeechhhh!"  Do not pass go, do not collect any $$.  I've tried, "Stop practicing weird!"  which minorly works, then its about 10 minutes delay before the next "Screeeeechhhh!"  Then tried,  "Ah, that's so sexy, can you do it again?"  Response, "GRRRRRR!!!!"  Bingo, I hit a nerve.  Score another one for creative problem solving!  Despite being 13 years old, MrD does not like any graphic kissing on TV, nudity, or the word "Sexy."  Mwwahh haa haa haaaaaaaaaa!  Another tool in the parent kit, what a child majorly dislikes, is often leverage against rotten behaviour.  I don't care if the noise is stimming, it's gotta go, and fast.  Another chip in the mountain of socializing a child to be a functioning human being.