My son commutes between our home & his fathers home. It is not new or unusual, it is our normal since he was 10 months old. Many children have to do this so it is normal when arranging play-dates with other families to navigate this. I believe these transitions have helped to bring a level of flexibility to his life. If he had the same home, same school, same rules, same same same, he would probably be a lot more ridged person.
It is not without struggles. Mr.D has to follow different rules and keep track of them. Life is like that. There are different rules at a restaurant, at school, at the movie theatre, at friends homes... Unfortunately our two households seem to follow different schedules for the basics of getting up eating, and bedtime. These fundamental differences really show up in coping, or lack of coping. I mentioned in the last post about dealing with challenges and negativity. Mr.D is a lot more negative for awhile. He describes it as a "black hole or a void." I work with dementia clients and one fellow transitioning through dementia described the it as "a blackness that creeps in and is heavy." I found it interesting that as my son gets older and is able to think about things he came up with such a deep description. So, its not my imagination that he is in a very negative place and it does change him. Last year a psychologist recommended to me to limit transitions. I can't see how that would ever be possible. Life is full of transitions. The meal ends, the movie ends, a car accident, a birth or a death, marriage, divorce, transition is part of life. As much as I struggle with my son when he returns home, I love him no matter what.
When he was a small child and anxious about going to see his Dad, I would tell him that its okay, he's safe, no matter what he would come back to me and I would always come back to him. I cried inside later but I kept it from him. No one said that being a mother came with such complicated feelings. I realize I am not here to be his friend, I am here to do the hard part, to get him through childhood to become a functional, kind, and independent man. So, when he comes home he needs more hugs. He needs a gentle pull back into routine with love. He backtracks and delays and dawdles getting his jobs done, because he is remembering yet again how to get along in our home. Sometimes there is lots of yelling too. When we talk about it I remind him that if he followed through instead of just answering and not acting, the yelling would stop. I can't stand over him to watch him get naked to get into the shower, he wants his privacy. I can't stand by & crowd him to get his teeth done when he's standing in the mirror making faces or jumping just to see his bangs bounce. Privacy vs taking responsibility vs owning responsibility. One day these things won't be a big deal, but they've been ongoing for so many years now it feels like he'll never master them. I know he can do his tasks, the trick is getting him to own them.
