Setting expectations

I think one of the most important aspects of raising a child with Auspergers autism is expectations.  Specifically, being aware of my expectations and being prepared to revise them.  I get bogged down with the everyday trivial crap, the backtalk, tantrums, delaying, dawdling etc etc.  I have every expectation that MrD will be able to drive a car, to graduate high school, to have a meaningful job or career, and to have an independent life.  He is smart and capable and once in awhile I get these blessed reminders.  I just finished a school Integrated Education Plan (IEP) meeting, and there is success being reflected there.  His behaviours are much less frequent and less disruptive than the elementary school reported to the high school.  He’s passing all his classes.  He’s still bouncing around socially, trying to fit in. 

I am so glad to be past the elementary school system.  Children are treated in such a disciplined and narrow way where there is no room to determine independent learning or growth other than as an adult professional tells you.  Educators are limited in the scope of what they can accomplish, but they forget they have training and a toolkit of skills that they don’t always use.  I am only one parent, I influence the home environment.  It drives me crazy to be the one reminding the professionals that THEY are the adults, THEY are the ones that should be able to handle what flies every day.  How is it that a child can do this so routinely, so regularly, and yet be a surprise each and every time.  In a way, is he smarter than the professionals and enjoying running circles around them?  It is no different that when your dog runs away, and then does running fly-bys, enough to collect the food you are offering or a pat & then run away again.  Who is running the show there?  Other students are learning by MrD.  He giggles about the English teacher teaching about how to properly use a colon.  Every time she says the word colon, he giggles.  Soon enough classmates are also giggling too.  Disrespectful?  Yes.  Funny?  Darn tootin’ yes!  He has learned that humor is universal social situation butter, and he figured it out all on his own.  He has dabbled in multiple social experiments of misbehavior over the years.  I think it is amazing that he has graduated to humor.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t understand the same joke every day isn’t funny.  Neither is repeating the same slap-stick physical joke is only a one hit wonder.  Maybe he will be the next Jim Carey?  

Tattletale-tattletale

MrD has a knack for turning almost every adult he encounters into a tattle-tale at some point or another.  Its frustrating, and occasionally amusing.  I learned in MrD's elementary days from a wise experienced teacher the sweet definitions.  A "tattletale" is someone who tells on another to get them into trouble and maybe make them-self look good too.  "Telling" is communicating because they don't know what to do but want to help the other person learn & not make the mistake anymore.  Its dumbfounding how many people forget this distinction!

So I get these stinking phone calls, usually when I've worked a night shift & need my sleep, or I'm working & can't leave the site, or I'm sick & dearly needing to rest.  "MrD did this", "MrD did that" says a teacher, a teachers-assistant, a vice principal, a counsellor, a principal...  So then I hear them out: he wouldn't do his work; he wouldn't sit down when told for the x'th time; he won't stop making annoying  noises; he won't climb out from under the desk; he won't stop fidgeting with paperclip/eraser/ruler/pen/pencil/mechanical pencil...; he had a tantrum & tipped over a desk (only happened once); he won't come down from the goal post.

Its okay to laugh now, we sometimes do after it passes.  Inevitably when we do the "back-chaining," "sleuthing," or "following the chain of events," (all the same don't you think?) an adult has been inconsistent or unfair.  Or a classmate has set him up, he took the fall, no one saw the starting sequence, so the overt/subvert bullying keeps happening.  Grrrrrrrrr!  So we talk through the Integrated Education Plan ( IEP ) and I remind said tattletale to send MrD to the counsellor, the IEP teacher, the office.  He's been going to the office for things since grade 3, it has no bite, its not scary.  Going to the office means giving him a chance to take his mood out of the classroom & hopefully an experienced "professional" adult will communicate with him and get to the bottom of it.

Despite firmly reminding MrD that I'm sleeping today, to stay out of trouble, to not make the phone ring, I got a call from the vice principal.  He's been sent to the office multiple times last week & again today.  Sigh.  I make a point of calling each & every school professional by their first name to level the playing field.  I don' t lord my title over them unless they are being patronizing & inattentive.   Of course I've had 4 broken hours of sleep and now have to deal with this.  I listened patiently, then set in with quizzing what happened, where, when, who, what was done, has he spoken with the 2 professionals that are well versed in his communication style which is outlined in the IEP...  A kid last week has been bragging about masturbating during class & putting his thumb up his own rectum.  This disgusts MrD to no end, who wouldn't be disgusted by this?  Now all it takes is said kid to gesture to repulse MrD and derail his classroom experience.  After talking with MrVP I ask to talk with MrD.  I ask him bluntly & almost sternly what happened, what was done, when, why.  He diverts around with some excuses now, he missed the morning break & didn't get a snack; his knee hurts and the ibuprofen isn't working anymore (not quite true since I've observed it works well for up to 6 hours with him); masturbator kid upset him, BINGO.  I tell MrD that to him, that kid does not exist, he's invisible, to ignore him.  I ask to talk with MrVP again.  MrVP was writing down all MrD's responses.  I reminded MrVP that the masturbator kid  is bullying, and even though no one saw it (how convenient) kids know how to do things when adults aren't watching.  So I advised that he needs to get to the bottom of the now overt bullying going on.  MrD does not have any siblings to train him in the realities of "the set-up and the fall" game that most people are well versed in.  Even though this is grade 8 high-school, it still feels like the adults are doing the bullying at times like this.

Xrays

Good news, MrD does not have Osgood-Schlatter Disease (Knee Pain)  according to the xrays everything is normal.  Bad news is, what is it?  So we wait, we limp, he misses out on gym class, and Taekwando, and gets more & more pent up.  I have been challenging him with lots of tutoring.  He also has to do a minimum 30 minutes a day of typing tutor before he gets any computer time.  He's really resistant to the typing tutor, so I have to stand my ground & mention there will be no video games until the TT time is done.  I set the expectation, stood my ground, and he's up to 10 words/minute.  Score one for Mom!  I figure if he needs to rest, his brain needs to be kept active.  In 4 weeks we revisit the doctor & see what happens next.  Fingers crossed this goes away soon, this boy needs to be kept busy!

This is a Dr Dreadful (gross) candy making kit.

This candy making set has nothing to do with tattle tales.  It's great for encouraging a bath for relaxing & soaking with a sore knee.  It is a great bathtub play set, just be sure to get rid of 50% of the candy before handing it to a child, unless you like peeling children off the ceiling!