Tattletale-tattletale

MrD has a knack for turning almost every adult he encounters into a tattle-tale at some point or another.  Its frustrating, and occasionally amusing.  I learned in MrD's elementary days from a wise experienced teacher the sweet definitions.  A "tattletale" is someone who tells on another to get them into trouble and maybe make them-self look good too.  "Telling" is communicating because they don't know what to do but want to help the other person learn & not make the mistake anymore.  Its dumbfounding how many people forget this distinction!

So I get these stinking phone calls, usually when I've worked a night shift & need my sleep, or I'm working & can't leave the site, or I'm sick & dearly needing to rest.  "MrD did this", "MrD did that" says a teacher, a teachers-assistant, a vice principal, a counsellor, a principal...  So then I hear them out: he wouldn't do his work; he wouldn't sit down when told for the x'th time; he won't stop making annoying  noises; he won't climb out from under the desk; he won't stop fidgeting with paperclip/eraser/ruler/pen/pencil/mechanical pencil...; he had a tantrum & tipped over a desk (only happened once); he won't come down from the goal post.

Its okay to laugh now, we sometimes do after it passes.  Inevitably when we do the "back-chaining," "sleuthing," or "following the chain of events," (all the same don't you think?) an adult has been inconsistent or unfair.  Or a classmate has set him up, he took the fall, no one saw the starting sequence, so the overt/subvert bullying keeps happening.  Grrrrrrrrr!  So we talk through the Integrated Education Plan ( IEP ) and I remind said tattletale to send MrD to the counsellor, the IEP teacher, the office.  He's been going to the office for things since grade 3, it has no bite, its not scary.  Going to the office means giving him a chance to take his mood out of the classroom & hopefully an experienced "professional" adult will communicate with him and get to the bottom of it.

Despite firmly reminding MrD that I'm sleeping today, to stay out of trouble, to not make the phone ring, I got a call from the vice principal.  He's been sent to the office multiple times last week & again today.  Sigh.  I make a point of calling each & every school professional by their first name to level the playing field.  I don' t lord my title over them unless they are being patronizing & inattentive.   Of course I've had 4 broken hours of sleep and now have to deal with this.  I listened patiently, then set in with quizzing what happened, where, when, who, what was done, has he spoken with the 2 professionals that are well versed in his communication style which is outlined in the IEP...  A kid last week has been bragging about masturbating during class & putting his thumb up his own rectum.  This disgusts MrD to no end, who wouldn't be disgusted by this?  Now all it takes is said kid to gesture to repulse MrD and derail his classroom experience.  After talking with MrVP I ask to talk with MrD.  I ask him bluntly & almost sternly what happened, what was done, when, why.  He diverts around with some excuses now, he missed the morning break & didn't get a snack; his knee hurts and the ibuprofen isn't working anymore (not quite true since I've observed it works well for up to 6 hours with him); masturbator kid upset him, BINGO.  I tell MrD that to him, that kid does not exist, he's invisible, to ignore him.  I ask to talk with MrVP again.  MrVP was writing down all MrD's responses.  I reminded MrVP that the masturbator kid  is bullying, and even though no one saw it (how convenient) kids know how to do things when adults aren't watching.  So I advised that he needs to get to the bottom of the now overt bullying going on.  MrD does not have any siblings to train him in the realities of "the set-up and the fall" game that most people are well versed in.  Even though this is grade 8 high-school, it still feels like the adults are doing the bullying at times like this.

Xrays

Good news, MrD does not have Osgood-Schlatter Disease (Knee Pain)  according to the xrays everything is normal.  Bad news is, what is it?  So we wait, we limp, he misses out on gym class, and Taekwando, and gets more & more pent up.  I have been challenging him with lots of tutoring.  He also has to do a minimum 30 minutes a day of typing tutor before he gets any computer time.  He's really resistant to the typing tutor, so I have to stand my ground & mention there will be no video games until the TT time is done.  I set the expectation, stood my ground, and he's up to 10 words/minute.  Score one for Mom!  I figure if he needs to rest, his brain needs to be kept active.  In 4 weeks we revisit the doctor & see what happens next.  Fingers crossed this goes away soon, this boy needs to be kept busy!

This is a Dr Dreadful (gross) candy making kit.

This candy making set has nothing to do with tattle tales.  It's great for encouraging a bath for relaxing & soaking with a sore knee.  It is a great bathtub play set, just be sure to get rid of 50% of the candy before handing it to a child, unless you like peeling children off the ceiling!

And then the dog died

Here's our old dogs, Barney in the foreground, Ginger in the background wearing her winter sweater.  This is a picture from their younger years.  We know that animals help teach so very much, especially to children.  We all receive birthdays,  with that comes an unspoken knowledge of a "death day," some day.  Barney was 16 and getting quite senile with cataracts, hearing loss and even seemed to be losing his nose sense.  Barney was found as a pup, tied to a tree in a ravine, abandoned.  The neighborhood and SPCA were canvassed and no one claimed him so my (not yet) husband kept him.  Ginger has been a good friend to him being his eyes & ears assistance these last few years.  I got Ginger from the SPCA when she was about 2 years old.  MrD was about 2 years old at the time, he has grown up knowing these dogs friendship and oddities.  I have encouraged MrD to think of pets as people too, I believe the alternate that they are objects would be teaching possibly sociopath tendencies.  Everyone knows pets have their own special personalities, positive & negative.  With pets comes responsibilities, MrD learned to give them cookies in the morning, supper every day, water and defertilizinig the yard duties.  He had a ritual for awhile of giving them "special suppers" which became more and more complicated and lengthy.  Once we realized it was becoming more obsessive than practical, discussions and subtle changes in the routine enabled breaking the obsessive component.

The day Barney passed was not typical.  My husband had to go out, MrD was asked to let me rest to have a bit of a sleep in.  I heard the dog yelping but I knew they were up & didn't get up immediately, figuring they could handle it.  A short time later MrD came to me in tears, "Barney died."  My brave fellow watched the whole short event by himself and didn't call for me.  No one made him, but he knew it was important to be there & not leave the dog alone.  He told me that Barney seemed a bit scared so he made sure to stay right there & pet him & tell him he's okay.  I told him that he did the right thing, and that this was a special thing that Barney maybe wanted him there.  That poor old dog suffered anxiety and hated being alone for his whole life.

MrD understands that everyone has a death date since we've lost a cat and then my Dad in the last few years.  He has interprets death in his own way, that we go to heaven, to be the essence of life & love and that the spirit lives on, especially in our memory.  Everyone was lost for the day but it was most important that we be kind to each other and not spend the whole day moping.  Over lunch MrD & I talked about anxiety and grief, how similar they can be creeping in.  I told him I think of it like a wave.  If I stop and stare at it too long, it freezes, and I'm left staring at it and don't know what to do with it.  If I take a deep breath I can let it roll over me, through me, and let it pass as its meant to its not as bad.  MrD said for him its more like a wall.  I asked him what he meant.  He said that its like driving through town and hitting the pulp-mill wall of stench.  One moment the air is fine, then next moment its tortuous.  He said that there is no point stopping then and being stuck in that stench, that it is more important to keep going to get through it and away from it.  Nothing like a small town northern Canadian to have a perspective like that!

And then we learn again from our animals, routines change, we miss our friend and the day marches on.  Animals miss their lost friends, but they accept it and move on.  I think they are smarter than humans for this, they don't let it dominate them indefinitely.  Death doesn't define us, life does.  I have seen that the longer we fixate on hard feelings, the longer they change our brain chemistry to stay that way.  Depression, anxiety, fear, paranoia, even pain all grow this way because of the extra time thinking about them in our neural pathways.  Our memories are built of repetition and learning and it makes sense that mental health can grow or recede by our own will.  That's when we need the strength and support of our families & friends most.