I had trouble titling this post. A well timed hissy fit? When's my turn? Why all the tantrums? Make the yelling stop? There are multiple times a week when yelling is the only way to get through selective hearing. I can ask, remind, repeat, nag, yell, swear, and still not be acknowledged or obeyed. Drives us crazy for everyday crap like flushing the toilet, brushing teeth, cleaning up own messes, stopping annoying behaviour or noises...Ad nauseam.
We have some methods that work: removing privileges to electronics for a day or more; adding chores; canceling play dates; earlier bed times. Those don't always have as much bite as a more inappropriate solution. Or should I say, "creative problem-solving"? I have learned that if someone stockpiles dirty clothes and does not care if they go without clean ones, they still stink. I don't have to put up with that, I re-fragrance with nice stinky perfume! Man does that ever get the message in! I don't pick up dirty dishes, I refuse to go along cleaning up behind someone who is capable of doing it themselves. So privileges are suspended until the mess gets dealt with. Conversing with other parents and adults is so crucial to help provide my own sanity break. That in itself is sometimes enough problem solving. Its worth it for the long run goal, independence & understanding WHY we do certain routines every ding-dang day. No, I would not let it get to the point of bug infestation or mould or anything gross. My job is to hammer in the message that being self sufficient is a life long skill. MrD's job is to somehow assimilate it.
I have a high tolerance for ignoring certain things. I have to. Ever received, "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom..." in a store? Anywhere? And yes, sometimes I wait until Mr D forgets why he's Mom-ing me, and THEN bellow back, "WHAAAATTTTT?!" Which is delightfully startling and embarrassing for him. At times I do get to my breaking point. Those moments really shine. I feel awful for it but I would never let on. I sometimes have to have my own tantrum to hone in the point that I am human, I have a breaking point, and I do not deserve to be crapped on with such awful behaviour. Its stressful and exhilarating at the same time. I do hold back, I don't call names and I don't condescend. I do call him out that its got to stop, that this is not how a family treats each other (with toxic behaviours). Once the storm passes, the tears and noses are wiped, the apologies & hugs come through, the most miraculous thing happens. Niceness. Honest, genuine, real niceness and cooperation for about a week anyway. All that week I think to myself, why did I wait so long? My own meltdown was so worth it. Complacence and tolerance factor in. I am not afraid to challenge Auspergers Autism behaviours. I am not afraid of the ensuing tantrums, broken stuff, tears, crocodile tears, screaming, and defiant behaviour. I learned long ago that those are exactly when not to back down, to stand firm and continue to challenge. If I do, crap gets even more entrenched, and the stubbornness is even more fierce. Life is full of challenges, nothing stays the same so its best learned at home before the real world clobbers him. Also I think timing is a valuable teacher. If I have a tantrum every time I don't get my way, well, I'd be raging multiple times a day. Not worth it, MrD would learn that Mom's having a hysterical moment, again, and quickly learn to ignore me more. Like the, "WHAAAATTTT!" the shock factor is what makes it work.
I have to admit, I need to make myself "take my turn" a little more often than once every month or two.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Homework Aversion Power
Is it wrong to hate my son's homework more than he does? MrD is such a smart person, he can do so many things. Unfortunately he is insanely stubborn. When he doesn't want to do something, he will do it as slowly and painfully as possible. He has no insight into how this is a negative vortex that uses up all available precious free time & energy. I have been indirectly studying how he thinks and learns. As anyone knows, it is much easier to learn when we are interested in the topic. Most people don't have the luxury of learning only what they like. In the school system we take our due diligence & learn the prescribed curriculum and muddle through as best we can. The goal is to pass, and to pass well enough that it counts cumulatively especially if we want to continue onward to college or university.
Much to every teacher's horror, MrD has terrible study & work habits that he's been honing for years. In grade 1 he had printing homework, the teacher reported finding it hidden behind the class bookshelf. That is problem-solving and intelligence right? It's even harder to be the parent who has to receive these updates with child in earshot, and not react. This son of mine, despite the initial faint smirk and firm clear language that this is not the way to "do" homework, grabbed onto the tiny smirk & took that as positive. I had no idea he would grab that micro-expression so quickly and lock it into his memory. He's always worked best for patience and approval. His favorite flavour of approval seems to be with a twist.
What's a micro-expression? We've all seen them, registered them, thought quizzically with why something doesn't jive in conversation, and ultimately ignored them. They do ring alarms with our intuitive knowledge. Have you ever received a gift and thought, "ugg, what the hell am I going to do with this?" but politely said with a smile, "Thanks! This is so great!" Chances are that smile wasn't genuine, your eyes didn't crinkle to match the smile, but it passed. Before the smile, right as you thought it your body language briefly gave your initial impression away. Watch other people & you will see it, it's brief but it's there. That's a white lie made to help make the other person feel better and it keeps the relationship gliding.
Unfortunately micro-expressions are very easy to misinterpret. I'm certain that is how some family feuds, street wars and office dynamics are corrupted. High school is rife with these mini-dramas. A fight can break out because someone didn't like how another person looked at them. Experience, maturity & insight helps level out these things a bit. How about fights that break out online in chat-rooms or message-boards? They often start because someone negatively misread another's tone or voice. All interactions start with our own bias & mood. How do you teach self awareness to someone that only wants to learn "cherry picking" style?
Back to hating homework. MrD has a memory that snaps things he likes in fiercely, iron clad. If he is struggling or doesn't want to learn something it doesn't stick. The more he dislikes something, for whatever reason, the more resistant he is. I have figured out the key is to trick ourselves into wanting to learn something based on the merit we may need it sometime. That doesn't always work either but it helps. If I don't want to learn something that I have to, I have learned to make myself start earlier and to work more often in short chunks of time. AND I reward myself with doing something I really like to do. Homework is one of our current problem solving dilemmas. MrD has pure stubborn resistance power. Even with tangible rewards, he forgets & lets the dislike predominate. Somehow we will break this habit & substitute it for better ones. It takes heavy detective work to find out WHY MrD dislikes or even hates a subject. Sometimes it's the class, the time of day, a particular classmate, an assignment, or even the teacher or teacher's assistant. I wish stubborn were a superpower that could be used for good, not evil, sigh.
Much to every teacher's horror, MrD has terrible study & work habits that he's been honing for years. In grade 1 he had printing homework, the teacher reported finding it hidden behind the class bookshelf. That is problem-solving and intelligence right? It's even harder to be the parent who has to receive these updates with child in earshot, and not react. This son of mine, despite the initial faint smirk and firm clear language that this is not the way to "do" homework, grabbed onto the tiny smirk & took that as positive. I had no idea he would grab that micro-expression so quickly and lock it into his memory. He's always worked best for patience and approval. His favorite flavour of approval seems to be with a twist.
What's a micro-expression? We've all seen them, registered them, thought quizzically with why something doesn't jive in conversation, and ultimately ignored them. They do ring alarms with our intuitive knowledge. Have you ever received a gift and thought, "ugg, what the hell am I going to do with this?" but politely said with a smile, "Thanks! This is so great!" Chances are that smile wasn't genuine, your eyes didn't crinkle to match the smile, but it passed. Before the smile, right as you thought it your body language briefly gave your initial impression away. Watch other people & you will see it, it's brief but it's there. That's a white lie made to help make the other person feel better and it keeps the relationship gliding.
Unfortunately micro-expressions are very easy to misinterpret. I'm certain that is how some family feuds, street wars and office dynamics are corrupted. High school is rife with these mini-dramas. A fight can break out because someone didn't like how another person looked at them. Experience, maturity & insight helps level out these things a bit. How about fights that break out online in chat-rooms or message-boards? They often start because someone negatively misread another's tone or voice. All interactions start with our own bias & mood. How do you teach self awareness to someone that only wants to learn "cherry picking" style?
Back to hating homework. MrD has a memory that snaps things he likes in fiercely, iron clad. If he is struggling or doesn't want to learn something it doesn't stick. The more he dislikes something, for whatever reason, the more resistant he is. I have figured out the key is to trick ourselves into wanting to learn something based on the merit we may need it sometime. That doesn't always work either but it helps. If I don't want to learn something that I have to, I have learned to make myself start earlier and to work more often in short chunks of time. AND I reward myself with doing something I really like to do. Homework is one of our current problem solving dilemmas. MrD has pure stubborn resistance power. Even with tangible rewards, he forgets & lets the dislike predominate. Somehow we will break this habit & substitute it for better ones. It takes heavy detective work to find out WHY MrD dislikes or even hates a subject. Sometimes it's the class, the time of day, a particular classmate, an assignment, or even the teacher or teacher's assistant. I wish stubborn were a superpower that could be used for good, not evil, sigh.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Practical intelligence
More good news, the jacket was returned. I'm hoping Mr D has learned something from this. I have been reading Malcolm Gladwell's books, currently "Outliers." I have read "The Tipping Point," and "Blink" as well and they generate a lot of interesting thinking for me. They were so good I plan to reread them, which is unusual for me.
The "Outliers" book I am 1/3 of the way through. I finished a section last night about "practical intelligence" which really resonated with me because it is so similar to what other professionals call "social skills." The chapter was all about genius intelligence/skills and how some people succeed in life and others can't seem to. It drew parallels in my mind to autism studies since some are well known historically to be genius minds. Temple Grandin refers to the fact that autism teaches that we all have genius capabilities, and studying autism may show how we find these gifts of knowledge. Autistic brains do think differently, they can skip around in topics, leap from facts and experiences like lightening depending on how extensive their mental library of resources is. Some lack the ability to focus while others cannot escape their focus to the neglect of everything else. I know it is in these extremes that gifts and strengths are hidden.
Practical intelligence is something we learn socially. We learn how to interact, to communicate, manners, and hidden social rules. If we fail to learn them, we end up with egg on our face or ultimately become socially excluded. Some people even exclude themselves socially, because social events make them greatly uncomfortable. It's not that they are sociopaths, we all seem to fear & revile that. Its that they never had help learning how to navigate the rules. I know this is why autistic children need to be exposed to as many new experiences and changes as they can. Any child who's environment is narrow and unyielding to change would have social handicaps. If you do not know how to navigate a rocky conversation, to smooth talk, to wheel and deal, or even how to be legitimately heard, those are handicaps too.
I have experienced many many tantrums, screaming-stomping-break things tantrums. I would not miss any of them for fear of upsetting MrD. The tantrums are his way of rejecting what he is overwhelmed with. I do not fear tantrums, they are just noise and they pass. Life is full of uncomfortable events & situations. I wouldn't be doing my job as "bad Mom" if I didn't make sure MrD was uncomfortable at times, pushed from his comfort levels, and challenged. Tantrums are hard but life is harder. MrD doesn't have the advantage of having a sibling like I did growing up. Many sibling fights simply prepared me for the world that life isn't fair, life is hard. If life were easy, it would be boring. The world is a big place, there's no sense hiding a child from it because of an invisible handicap like autism. Hiding from adversity is denying the chance to learn, to live, and to finding adventures.
I know I casually refer to Temple Grandin's work, and I mean no disrespect. I strongly encourage anyone interested to read her works, she has a unique and enlightening insight to the autistic mind. She has overcome many difficult life experiences & is a champion of facing challenges while breaking down biases.
The "Outliers" book I am 1/3 of the way through. I finished a section last night about "practical intelligence" which really resonated with me because it is so similar to what other professionals call "social skills." The chapter was all about genius intelligence/skills and how some people succeed in life and others can't seem to. It drew parallels in my mind to autism studies since some are well known historically to be genius minds. Temple Grandin refers to the fact that autism teaches that we all have genius capabilities, and studying autism may show how we find these gifts of knowledge. Autistic brains do think differently, they can skip around in topics, leap from facts and experiences like lightening depending on how extensive their mental library of resources is. Some lack the ability to focus while others cannot escape their focus to the neglect of everything else. I know it is in these extremes that gifts and strengths are hidden.
Practical intelligence is something we learn socially. We learn how to interact, to communicate, manners, and hidden social rules. If we fail to learn them, we end up with egg on our face or ultimately become socially excluded. Some people even exclude themselves socially, because social events make them greatly uncomfortable. It's not that they are sociopaths, we all seem to fear & revile that. Its that they never had help learning how to navigate the rules. I know this is why autistic children need to be exposed to as many new experiences and changes as they can. Any child who's environment is narrow and unyielding to change would have social handicaps. If you do not know how to navigate a rocky conversation, to smooth talk, to wheel and deal, or even how to be legitimately heard, those are handicaps too.
I have experienced many many tantrums, screaming-stomping-break things tantrums. I would not miss any of them for fear of upsetting MrD. The tantrums are his way of rejecting what he is overwhelmed with. I do not fear tantrums, they are just noise and they pass. Life is full of uncomfortable events & situations. I wouldn't be doing my job as "bad Mom" if I didn't make sure MrD was uncomfortable at times, pushed from his comfort levels, and challenged. Tantrums are hard but life is harder. MrD doesn't have the advantage of having a sibling like I did growing up. Many sibling fights simply prepared me for the world that life isn't fair, life is hard. If life were easy, it would be boring. The world is a big place, there's no sense hiding a child from it because of an invisible handicap like autism. Hiding from adversity is denying the chance to learn, to live, and to finding adventures.
I know I casually refer to Temple Grandin's work, and I mean no disrespect. I strongly encourage anyone interested to read her works, she has a unique and enlightening insight to the autistic mind. She has overcome many difficult life experiences & is a champion of facing challenges while breaking down biases.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)