Another's shoes

A big part of being Mom to MrD is to be aware of his perspective.  This goes a huge way into figuring out why he struggles.  Sometimes its not enough, but at least I'm trying.  Perspective taking is something I have had to be creative about in teaching my son.  Owning pets really helps, pets have feelings, ideas, and most importantly rights.  If you doubt that, you just need to read about animal abuse stories and think about the atrocities committed.  Animals can go a long way to helping teach compassion.

Perspective is important, so is compassion.  Then there is a line that is overboard and we are ripe to be taken advantage of.  I have found that teaching extreme polar opposite ends of why we have manners and why we do things a certain way helps form a framework to fill in the subtleties that create grey areas.  It seems that the big details help to make it make sense, with time.  Teaching why rudeness is unacceptable means talking about why you would not wear your muddy shoes into another's home, sit at their table and then swing those filthy feet up onto their table.  That shows why feet should never be on the table.  Building on that, sitting on your chair rather than waving your butt at your table-mates while you lean over & kneel badly in your chair picking something up is also rude.  See how the rules and rationale build with concrete examples.  Temple Grandin openly spoke of learning table manners and her mother's frustration with her eating with her mouth open.  It wasn't until Ms Grandin went to a friends home for a meal and was horrified to see others talk and eat with their mouths open.  She told of telling her mother that it was like looking into a open garbage truck and it was aweful.  Only THEN was it real for her mother to complete the teaching of why it is rude.  These types of lessons are everywhere to talk about and learn from.  They are commonly referred to as "teachable moments" and are often more valuable than instruction or formal lessons.

Being compassionate is not the same as being another person. It is the understanding that their experiences are similar but different than our own that is a milestone with Auspergers Autism.  From there we learn about lying, which is another milestone.  You have to understand other people have different perspectives or lying is irrelevant. Then begins discussions about lying, white lies, blatant lies, and trust, or erosion of trust as a result of lies.  The children's story about "Henny Penny, The Sky is Falling" is now relevant again.  The trick is finding less juvenile examples that are equally interesting.

CopyCat

I have noticed that mimicry is a favorite way of learning social skills for my son.  He can repeatedly and accurately recite things that he thinks are hilarious from TV's The Simpsons and The Big Bang.  I make sure to watch some with him & we can talk about wether it is appropriate or rude.  The truth is that often rude things are funny, BUT we have to know why it is rude to appreciate the context.  We are human, sometimes we laugh when we see a stranger fall down, or when someone bends over & their pants split.  Misfortune is fodder for comedy.  If we can't laugh, we'd be crying all the time!  Sometimes it is healthiest to step back from a day of misfortune and laugh at it rather than rolling over & showing our belly and wallowing in it indefinitely.

Mimicry is how we learn to retell jokes in a funny way, or to tell a story without killing it with boredom. Mimicry is the oldest form of flattery.  Mimicry is learning, and so is repetition.  Repetition builds familiarity and memory.  We learn musical lyrics, times tables, tying our shoes with repetition.  Often saying we can't do something is a lie we tell ourselves, maybe we just don't want to do something.  This is exactly why I have forced my son to join into social situations when he doesn't want to.  It is like trying new foods, you have to taste it first to know if you will like it, sometimes repeatedly.  Occasionally I feel like a Bad Mom forcing my son to step up and do something himself like paying for a dollar store item.  I can see and feel his anxiety building.  I do prepare him in advance & we talk through the steps.  Talking about something is not the same as doing it.  Many of us have similar anxiety in driving situations.  I used to have anxiety about parallel parking, merging, and driving with a median on my left.  With practice and repetition skills gets better and the anxiety backs off.  Social skills are like that too.

Understanding Anxiety is key to succeeding the job of controlling it.  It is a huge misconception to say we can beat anxiety, or overcome anxiety, it never really goes away.  Anxiety isn't a bad thing unless it is uncontrolled, it is linked to our "fight or flight" survival instincts.  Do we run & hide or do we fight.  Anxiety has to be toned down, beaten back, owned in order to control it.  Everyone has to learn to do this themselves.  Anyone that goes through life avoiding anxiety often ends up with more severe punishing circumstances like hoarding, addictions, being housebound, panic attacks...  I strongly think that anxiety is a root of many labels in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders manual that doctors reference to.  That book is also known as DSM-IV-TR, is a manual published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) that includes all currently recognized mental health disorders.  People that live with mental disorders are not at fault for their problems, they are just different and need help and acceptance.

Meditation or relaxation techniques are essential tools to control anxiety.  Many times I have had to step into a surprise situation and tell myself, "OhshitwhatdoIdo...take a deep breath."  Taking-a-deep-breath-blowing-it-out-slow, repeat, gives a pause long enough to let my brain help me deal with the surprise.  It also enables oxygen to be available to my brain to make decent decisions.  Hyperventilating begets oxygen overload with full adrenaline charge which feeds anxiety and horrible physical symptoms (heart racing, slightly dizzy, feel lousy, feel scared, paralyzed and numb with overload).  That's great if a tree is going to fall on you, it gives you immediate energy & strength to try to jump out of the way.  Not so good if a neighbor dog confronts you aggressively, or a stranger in a parking lot comes up to your car screaming at you crazily.  It takes time to learn skills, learning to identify our issues is hard.  If life were easy, we would be bored.

How do we

Question:  How do we know what we know?
Answer:  We learn

Isn't that the simple truth of humanity?  It doesn't matter our ability or status, if we want to know something, we learn about it.  We can read about it in a book, an encyclopedia, or an internet search.  Historically people sought out others with expertise & traded or bartered for learning skills. If we were exceptionally fortunate we could learn first from our family.

We learn social skills, by experience and imitation.  We learn why a joke is a groaner or funny by our experiences.  I recently was reminded that sometimes we just can't tell someone how to learn something, we have to show them.  It is so very important to be aware of learning styles and strengths.  A good example is to learn to walk through a crowded area.  Children are taught or figure out to get out of the way or they could be stepped on.  As we grow older & taller there is a transition point where we have to learn to maintain our space, or "hold our line."  When we give up our personal space, we are crowded out, pushed aside, or become part of the background.  Or people walk into us, or they can even touch us inappropriately.  If we don't learn to hold our line, other people go ahead of us in lineups and we don't get a turn.  We learn the value of our personal space by experience.  Recently a stranger was walking right into my son's space in a crowded store and I saw him dodging out of the way.  That is only one strategy to deal with that situation.  I taught him right then that is is better to call out loud and clear, "Excuse me!" to make the stranger aware that they are needing to pay better attention & someone is there already.  We also learn to stick out our elbows slightly in a crowd.  This is not to harm another person, but to serve a gentle reminder to others to pay attention when they walk into us, that they do not have a right to all the space either.  More often than not, they apologize for bumping us, sometimes even if we did the bump.  That is manners in action, they are so very important.  Manners keep us civilized, sooth misunderstandings, and keep rudeness from multiplying.  Rudeness can promptly become misunderstandings, shouting matches or even physical fights.  Parents have to be vigilant for opportunities to teach the abstract concept of manners, regardless of autism spectrum.